Self-indulged Serial Experiments Lain Stimboard

Serial Experiments Lain (1998) Episode 8

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I’ve experienced two bereavements in a very short period of time. My (undiagnosed) autism is making this trauma even more difficult. I feel physically ill all the time, I can’t do anything but at the same time I can’t process anything. I have barely cried and don’t even feel like this is real, or that it’s even me experiencing this. It doesn’t help that my family don’t accept me being autistic, so when I try to explain that I’m overwhelmed, anxious and experiencing sensory overload more, they just ignore that there’s even anything for me to be upset about. I just don’t know what to do.

I am really sorry you're experiencing grief so close together.

It is well known that Autistics experience grief very differently to neurotypicals. We process it far slower, experience far more inner turmoil with less ability to express it, and this can lead to a long-term burnout/shutdown relationship, where we're more sensitive to sensory input but instead of meltdowns we are trapped in our grief.

I don't know how to get your family to accept your autism, but the fact that grief is experienced differently by everyone should be enough for their compassion. It's cruel that they don't recognise that for you.

THINKING PERSON'S GUIDE TO AUTISM

Autistic Grief Is Not Like Neurotypical Grief — THINKING PERSON'S GUIDE TO AUTISM

You see, every brain only has so much space in which to process information, and if a very large part of that is consumed with emotions, it

D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with ap- pearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with posses- sions, as in hoarding disorder; hair pulling, as in trichotillomania [hair-pulling disorder]; skin picking, as in excoriation [skin-picking] disorder; stereotypies, as in stereotypic movement disorder; ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; preoccupation with substances or gambling, as in substance-related and addictive disorders; preoc- cupation with having an illness, as in illness anxiety disorder; sexual urges or fantasies, as in paraphilic disorders; impulses, as in disruptive, impulse-control, and conduct dis- orders; guilty ruminations, as in major depressive disorder; thought insertion or delu- sional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder).

lain iwakura

"I Don't Have a Routine"

For those who are seeking diagnosis, think they might be autistic or are already diagnosed/self-diagnosed but just confused

Routines/rituals aren't just getting up at the same time every day.

What can routines look like for an autistic (just general examples, not an exhaustive list):

Getting dressed in the same order. A change of this feels very upsetting.

Eating your food in a particular way. This may be eating each food individually, combining food in certain ways, not letting foods touch etc .

Getting ready for the day in a very particular way, specifically the order and time given to each activity. Being forced to rush or skip an activity is very upsetting.

Only going to certain shops, even if they are out of your way, because you've been there before. The same shop in a different suburb is too distressing.

Driving the same route to places. Suggested short cuts, or lane changing without mental preparation etc is very distressing. You would rather stay in the slow lane you 100% know takes you home than go down a new street.

Showering/bathing in the same order.

Stacking dishes or cleaning in a very specific order such as sink first, then counters, then stove etc. This order feels important but you cannot state why.

Work plans or school plans are day specific. You struggle to do banking on a Thursday, because that's a Friday activity, even though Thursday is just fine. But it's a Friday activity...so can't do it today.

To outsiders these routines/rituals seem to have no purpose but they are sacrosanct to the autistic individual. Changes must be given time, with lots of notifications and check-ups to ensure we're accepting the changes.

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