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I’m trying to figure out if I might be autistic but it’s hard, in part because while I was always bossy growing up and I always dominated conversations I was interested in, when I was about 21 I found out that some people literally asked my best friend if I was “intending to be an asshole” and that was really crushing to me so I took a course in not being an asshole basically, and learned that you’re supposed to ask questions and whatnot… and now I don’t know what’s stuff I’ve learned and what’s natural to me, in conversation.

Taking a course like that kind of seems like an autistic way to go about it though?

I have things that fit into all the criteria, but I’m not sure they’re significant enough for autism. Maybe I’m just domineering and fussy with food and prefer my current things to new things? I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be touched, but none of it seems to get to the extent that anyone would ever diagnose me - especially as a woman.

Sorry to dump, I just needed to share/ask for another perspective ❤️

The social difficulties is very common with autistics. And, always, it's the why you did those things that matter.

An autistic child, as an example, will dominate a conversation because they don't understand that conversation is supposed to be a back and forth... They think what they're excited about is exciting to all those involved and therefore are having a conversation. Because conversation is just talking, right? And now, these people get to learn all that you know!

There is also an element of difficulty concentrating on a conversation. An autistic, on average, can follow a conversation for about 5 minutes before they will start to struggle (or so my therapist told me and it's definitely true for me). Not necessarily because we find the conversation boring, but because social interaction isn't innate for us, so we're using twice as much energy to process what's being said to us.

Other neurodivergences, such as ADHD, can also struggle with conversation, but usually due to hyperactivity (getting excited by what's being said, getting stuck in something that was said and needing to talk about it, talking fast and/or loudly etc).

So, to a neurotypical, they don't see that we're "having a conversation" with them... They see someone not letting them talk. Even though we're enjoying ourselves and showing love and friendship. NTs don't see that.

And then to struggle to concentrate when they finally do get to talk? What asshole behaviour... except it's not. It's just how our brains work. We're not wanting to struggle.

Most kids are forced to mask this either by scripting, mirroring, or reading books. I learnt by scripting, and it's fucking exhausting.

So how can you tell if this is something you learnt naturally or masking?

Are you constantly checking yourself during conversations?

Are you hyper aware of how much time to speak, cutting yourself off if your alloted time is up?

Do you ask standardized questions to start the flow of conversation?

Do you force yourself to avoid special interest topics or have to force yourself to stop talking, even if the other person shows interest, out of fear you're hijacking the conversation?

Are you unable to actually tell if someone is interested in what you're saying, so you assume they're bored so as not to insult them? You fear breaking whatever conversation rules you have been taught?

The above are very very common with autistic masking and scripting.

"Look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you."

Sorry, I can't even look TV characters in the eye. You're definitely not getting a free pass just because you're live.

my ocd has absolutely gone off the deep end where now i am also obsessing about the ocd itself.. like if i am having rocd doubts, like do i really love my bf, am i too young for this, do i even want to be in a relationship? my ocd just snowballs wondering if these doubts are even ocd, or if they are real and i should listen to them. like maybe i really just don’t love him anymore and i’m just afraid to admit it to myself? i hate it i hate it so much i wish i could trust my own feelings .

my therapist tells me it doesn’t matter if the doubts are real, it doesn’t matter if i don’t actually love him. because i will never know the truth, i’ll never know for certain if we “should” be together. life just doesn’t have certain answers for these things and i need to accept that uncertainty. recovery is so painful

What it's like to have conversations with someone who has Autism Spectrum Disorder and/or ADHD

(Spoken from my own experience)

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid, and ASD a few weeks ago.

I didn't have many friends because I was seen as annoying when I'd talk about my soexial intrests.

I try to control myself when I talk about something I'm incredibly interested in, but sometimes I do go too far.

I'd suggest letting an autistic person "talk it out" until they retire a subject. But from my experience I don't know when to quit.

So please when you would like to get an autistic person to retire a subject, DO NOT YELL AT THEM!

Spoken from personal experience, I was talking very intensely about a special intrest to a friend and without realizing it started yelling.

This friend decided to yell at me back, not in a mean way but to try to get me to be quitet.

I forget that other people have different opinions and that it's weird to get so passionate about certain topics.

That person yelling at me broke my self confidence and I immediately shut up and retracted from talking completely.

I knew if I started talking again I would start crying so I just didn't talk at all.

Sometimes it really feels like I'm an alien trying to understand when someone gets tired of me.

Is there anyone who gets what im saying?

I feel really alone.

water_s h a p e s // rendered with eevee, Blender

The blue amongst the mountains - Iceland

THIS!!!!!

[ID: Gray text on a peach backround that reads, "Autistic people may refer to analogies, metaphors, song lyrics, or pop culture references to help us communicate our feelings. Please don't disgard what we're saying if we use song lyrics or too many metaphors, or actual movie dialogues. We're trying to convey what we are feeling. Just because we borrow other people's words for it doesn't mean it's less valid." End Description.]

A. Presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both: Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2):

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress.

The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion). Compulsions are defined by (1) and (2):

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to per- form in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.

The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or dis- tress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neu- tralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive. Note: Young children may not be able to articulate the aims of these behaviors or mental acts.