They Said They Were Working On Something New So They Did ♪

soooo a month ago i went to a party i wasn't invited to but my friends insisted so i said yes i waited outside in front of the house to wait for them as we weren't in the same car to get there i was early so only a few people were already inside and the street was empty at some point a guy on a bike stopped right next to me and awkwardly looked at me and said 'hi... are you also here for the party..?' and when i looked up i noticed that he had a really cute face, just like his voice so i said yes and he was like 'oh, thanks, i wasn't sure aha' and he smiled at me before talking again like 'well, i'll park my bike over there and hum... i guess i'll see you inside later?' so i nodded and he smiled before walking towards the house with his bike my thoughts were just like 'damn he's so cute and he looks kind' but as usual no expectations when it comes to people especially when i find them cute because i always feel worthless and there's no way they'd enjoy my company anyway more people arrived and eventually my friends did too so we went to the party after a few drinks i started giving water to everyone to make sure they'd be ok but at some point i lost my drunk friends and felt too tired to look for them in the moment but i noticed the cute boy having a conversation with my crush (yeah he was there too lmaooo) and another guy so i walked up to them and started talking with them anyway i probably spent like 10min talking to the cute boy in the end including the small talk before the party and the next day as he was gone all i had was his face, voice and first name after getting home and resting i started thinking about him again and i ended up finding his insta account since i knew many people at the party and they follow each other i followed him but that was it and he was a kind of memory i enjoyed even tho i knew we hadn't talked enough to be friends or anything he followed me back and replied to one of my stories but that was it i ran into him one day in town but he was busy so i only said hi before leaving and i was surprised he remembered me anyway, a lot of people have been texting me lately (bday, yay) so my phone spends the day ringing at some point i noticed that one cute boy's profile pic and i was like 'did you just... text me?' so anyway i answered and we briefly talked and i said i was surprised to see him texting me and he said 'well, it happens' and i said 'not to me' and he said 'now it happened :)' and then he asked me about myself because i hadn't said anything about me at the party and then i told him i enjoyed listening to people rather than talking about myself so he said there wasn't much to say about him and he proceeded to describe me the way he sees life and he was like 'it's kinda dumb so i don't really wanna tell people about it aha' except that i loved what he had said so i asked him for more and he was like 'well tomorrow's gonna be busy so i have to go to bed rn but i'll tell you tomorrow, feel free to ask me anything :)' and he wished me a good night i know it's not much and i know it doesn't mean anything but i also know that it makes me very happy, which is rare i'm just grateful for this small talk that turned into happiness for me, it might not last but if it can keep my mind busy with something positive for a while, it's just fine :)

i just realized that this sounded creepy as if i was just standing there and staring at them or something 

but hum i’m actually friends with both of them so i basically have random conversations with them and at the same time my heart goes awwww these eyes and i lose focus

also i don’t think they know each other

that’s it

currently in a room with both my crushes and i think my heart's gonna stop or something

so much pressure but so much happiness at the same timeeeeee

The Gray Day

I decided that today would be a gray day. It’s not a white day because things are going wrong; but it’s not a black day because I found a way to get better. However, this implies that I hurt someone. I don’t want to, but I’ve been destroyed a little more every day for more than a year. I believe in Love, I really do. But many things went wrong. Maybe it wasn’t real Love and this might explain why it makes me feel this way; or maybe was I too young to be happy with all of this. Whatever the reason is, I decided that I wanted to stop. It’s getting too hard for me. Fortunately, I’m feeling better with myself than I used to, so I haven’t thought about self harm or suicide to end my pain. I think I have to let him go. He doesn’t want to, but we have to. I know myself, and if I stay, I will force myself to do things that hurt me, that make me unhappy, that disgust me, and a few others. I don’t want this to happen, I don’t want to fake smiles or feelings, or make him believe I’m happy with us. Truth is, I was happy in the beginning, when I thought it was forever. But now I’m thinking about the time I still had a choice. Because I feel trapped, I can’t make my own decisions. He tells me to go to bed early and he knows when I don’t, he calls me all the time even though he knows that phones that ring and vibrate are unbearable for me. He has ‘crisis’ when he gets mad and yells at me because I don’t help him. I can’t do anything without receiving lots of messages and calls from him. Together, we stopped cutting ourselves and we got better, but now he’s pulling me down with him while I’m trying to fly. I know that this sounds selfish and I guess I am, but I can’t do this anymore. I wanna be able to do whatever I want without having to justify myself, I want to spend entire days without hearing my phone, I want to meet new people and do what I want with them without having to justify myself, I want to be free. It’s been several hours now since I’ve put my phone on plane mode and I know he’s probably trying to call me, he’s sending me messages, telling me he’s crying and he’s gonna hurt himself. A few hours earlier, I had an idea. I’m gonna write a letter, since we’re all in quarantine, because that’s the only way I can tell him without using a phone. I will write that I can’t do it anymore, that it’s over, and that I need my independence back. I will gather all our things, all our memories, and give them back to him once the quarantine will be over. I’ll delete all our pictures, block him on every social media because I know he won’t leave me alone. And then I’ll tell my ‘best’ (only) friend what happened and we’ll never talk about this again. After all of this; I’ll be able to accept myself as I am, not as I ‘should’ be, and I’ll be there for people that need me, for the ones I lost contact with, and I know I’ve made enough efforts to be able to go talk to people I don’t know, for I’m feeling way stronger than I was. Tonight; I am writing thid on Tumblr but I’m not expecting any reader. I thought I’d just let my mind write this and then I’d post it. If by any chance, someone is reading this, I hope you’re doing okay, and that my text might be a bit useful (pretty sure it’s not tho). I wish you the best.

Someone had drawn a basketball court on my table in biology class today

Also yesterday there was a pumpkin on my history table

Wth is going on in this school, students don’t have anything to draw on

whenever i tell my friends i’m never invited to their parties, the only answer i get is ‘oh i never get invited either, you know.. there was just this one time when-’

bitch you’re the one planning the parties and you’re invited to other people’s so just be honest and tell me you don’t like me instead of being such an asshole

thinking about the day someone will actually read my tumblr and find out it's about them-

i'll be so embarrassed and ashamed

just logged out of instagram and i told people i was feeling out of place, i'm always left behind

and i know i'm gonna receive a lot of dms like 'hey you know i'm here for you' and all and i know they mean it but i don't need fake people that show up when i tell them i'm giving up, i need real people that can see i'm just falling apart and all i need is some real and honest company, a word, a smile, a look, anything

oh god i can't believe this, he's currently gaslighting me, tho he doesn't even know what happened precisely

he must be fucking kidding me

texted a friend to tell him that 1. i was here if he ever needed anyone (bc he told me he had no one to talk to) and that 2. i've been treated unfairly and it's making me upset and his only answer was 'i need you to send me the thing i asked you for bc it's due tomorrow' and i can't believe i'm constantly trying my best for people that just couldn't care less

there’s this kind of heavy sadness invading me for no reason and leaving me broken even when nothing’s wrong

literally my team in genshin

It makes them look better at least