A Stiles Rare Pair Valentine Event!

The truth

I’ve always been the type to hide my pain. I struggle silently for the most part. Very few have seen me cry. Though many have seen my scars. I’ve not been the one to hide after the fact. I try my hardest to be honest, but I almost never tell people the truth about my scars. They know that they’re self-inflicted, I’d never try to actually convince them otherwise anymore. Though I never really tell them the truth of the reasons behind them. I always give them basic reasons and they accept that. They don’t push so I don’t offer the real reasons. I doubt I’d tell them even if they did. I would not in a million years post this if I thought there was any chance of anyone I personally know seeing this. I’m not sure if I’d be able to post it if I knew more than like ten people would see this honestly. I feel like if I talk a little more about it, maybe I could help someone else. Or at the very least make sure they know they’re not alone in this fight. Most likely I’m going to regret this, but I’ll go though with it anyway. Let me start of with this, no this isn’t me trying to get attention or be all woe is me. If I wanted attention there are plenty of other places I could do that. Here I’m only ever going to be raw and honest. The same way I was with my first post. So I’ll start from the beginning and build up to the present. So when I was young my parents got divorced, though they still almost have always lived together, which means lots of fights, that my brother and I always witnessed no matter how hard they tried to hide it from us. We weren’t stupid, we saw and heard pretty much everything, or mostly I did. Though that’s probably the least of it if I’m being honest. I’ve always been bullied for one thing or another, sometimes for my weight, sometimes for being half black, sometimes for my parents and other things I honestly couldn’t tell you because I don’t even think they knew why. I had a lot of fake friends throughout my life, they mostly wanted my brother even as a young girl. Mostly I ended up getting adopted by my brother’s friends which was great as long as my brother and I were on good terms. When I was in I think second grade, my absolute best friend who was a year older than me and was completely infatuated with my brother, decided to experiment with my body without my permission to do so. I’d love to say that was the only time something like that happened to me, but that’s not true you’ll get to know what I mean later on in this post. So she raped me for lack of a better word while I was sleeping over at her house. I never told a soul until really recently. If you didn’t gather my brother was everything to me as a kid, he was, honestly still kinda is, but we moved the summer of my third grade year. I don’t know what happened, but after that my brother and my relationship really fell apart for a long time after that, still hasn’t been the same honestly. So I lost my only really friend, which made me very lonely and desperate for friends and a place to fit in. I got that, but I also lost that fairly quickly as well. The bullying continued even with the change of schools, not that I really expected anything different. There was a neighbor that lived across the street from me that worked at my school. He kinda became a family friend. Keep that in mind as I tell you the next part. Almost everyday during lunch for close to six months, he would molest me. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, hell I blamed myself about it, so I didn’t tell anyone about it. My friends noticed what was happening and knew it wasn’t right, so they went to the principal behind my back without my knowledge. The principal didn’t do much of anything about it, I mean the guy got fired, but she didn’t tell my parents or contact the police like she was supposed to. So she reinforced inside my head that it was my fault. Also his mother verbally attacked me for telling her other much younger son about it. So I didn’t tell anyone else for a very long time. Since both made me continue to believe I was in the wrong. Though I know now that isn’t true, it took me so long to get to that point. Three years later I told my mom about it and begged her not to tell anyone, then maybe a year and a half later I told both my brother and father about it. He still lived beside me and I still had to deal with him. He moved away finally maybe a year ago. After I had graduated high school. That was spread around school after I talked about it around the wrong person. Eventually everyone knew some version of the story. My entire middle school knew some small part of the story. I was horrified and that made the bullying worse. For a long time I felt completely alone even with friends, there were only two people that actually really made a difference in my life during that time and they both left me in very different ways. One was Harlee my best friend, she stood up for me or kept me away from the people trying to tear me apart. That was before 8th grade when her and her new best friend started bullying me using things only my friends knew. So it hurt so much more. The other one was the best friend I got after Harlee left me. Her name was Kelly, she was such a bright beautiful soul. She was amazing and really helped me begin to heal for the first time in my life. We had lost touch after 8th grade and the next I had heard about her was that she died. She meant the world to me and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. She was barely 13 when she died from cancer, I never knew the extreme pain of loss until that day. I couldn’t move for an hour after I’d heard about her passing, besides the sobs ripping through my entire body. I still haven’t gotten over the pain of her passing. That was one of the times I really started to self harm, after that pain. I’d done it a few times before like when my aunt had gotten breast cancer, which she luckily survived, or when I had told someone new about what the guy had done to me. Things were kinda fine for awhile, there was still bullying, but nothing comparable to middle school. I had gotten into a relationship with my best friend and things were serious between us. We had really thought we were gonna get married. We both still live each other, but we’ve both moved on. He got into another amazing relationship, but I didn’t. I wanted to rebel against him which in hindsight made no sense seeing as I broke up with him, but I dated a girl he told me would be no good for me. He was 100% correct, she was terrible to me and for me. That didn’t stop me from staying in that terrible relationship for almost three years. She was abusive to say the least, but it was kinda okay in the beginning. She desperately was trying to buy my love, which I gave to her in a way. She spent a lot of money on me but she was truly awful. Though things never got physical in the beginning. It was over a year into it when she started hurting me. It seems like after we had sex she got so much worse. She would beat me, which I would fight back just as hard, but that I could handle mentally. It wasn’t until she started raping me that I truly knew this wasn’t going to change. I wouldn’t say I was scared of her, since I knew I could take her, but I was so lost by this point I didn’t know who or what I was anymore. I either needed out of that relationship or I was going to end up dead, whether it be her or me I didn’t know. Still it took me a very long time to get outta the relationship. It was the December after graduation I finally stuck to my guns and got out of it. I lost most of my high school years to that girl, but I learned a lot from that experience. I wouldn’t be who I am today without that terrible experience happening. I got a stalker soon after the break up since I almost immediately met a guy online and tried to become fwbs with him. We met up once, did a little bit, but he got almost as crazy as my ex. Eventually I honestly didn’t feel safe anywhere in my neighborhood or town because of them. I needed out, but I didn’t know how. I genuinely hate myself and I felt ugly beyond description. Those external things really destroyed me internally, for a long time throughout most of those things I wanted to die. I hated everything about me and nothing helped. I would self harm and it felt good to me. I know how that sounds, trust me. But for years all I really felt was stress, pain, numb and fake. As bad as it sounds self harm helped temporarily, though I do not at all promote it. You get addicted to it and it’s nearly impossible to quit. It’s not really worth it. Honestly if I could undo it I probably would. Though there isn’t anything I can do now besides fight the urge. Things got better and worse when I moved to the other side of the country. But I think I bore my soul enough for today. Now I’m in an amazing relationship with an even more amazing guy. I wouldn’t change a thing, as long as I get to keep him. He’s helped me heal in ways I never knew possible. I love him with every inch of my body and I wouldn’t trade him for an easier life. I really don’t know how I survived everything, but I promise you the fight to stay alive is always worth it. I’m proof of that. I had almost given up on life and love, then Josh came into my life. My love for him, began the slow process of healing. So I guess the moral is, no matter your history, you have a bright future ahead of you as long as you keep living to get to that point. It’s worth the fight I promise you that. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here for you no matter what. I love you all and I need you to keep fighting, to keep living. Sorry for the long post, but I think it needed to be out there. I mean it, if you need someone to talk to I'm right here, I promise you that. Please feel free to reach out to me.

Derek Hale Appreciation Week 2021 Day 3:

Wednesday Nov 24 - Complete AU // Lyrics

High school AU still supernatural

I’m pacing my room, trying to figure out how to handle the fact that I’m actually in love with the guy I’ve been having hate sex with for over a year. I don’t know how to handle it. I should’ve known better. He’ll never want to give me more than he already is. I should have stopped it a long time ago, but it’s too late for that now.

My phone rings, playing “No, I won't call you baby I won't buy you daisies 'Cause that don't work And I know how to get you crazy How to make you want me So bad it hurts”

I answer and say “Yes?”

He chuckles and says “Hey, you should come over?”

I sigh and say “We have to talk, actually so sure.”

He sighs and says “Okay. See you soon.”

I hang up without responding like I normally do, before hitting my head against the wall. I change out of my home clothes and shrug on my leather jacket. I grab my keys, phone and wallet before heading out to my Camaro. I get in and drive over to his house like I do at least once a week. He is standing in the doorway when I get there, so I sigh before turning my car off and walking up to him. He lets me in and heads into the kitchen, surprising me. I expected him to ignore the fact that I said we needed to talk, but clearly he isn’t. I steel myself and walk into the kitchen and lean against the counter. He jumps to sit on the counter beside me and I can see his nostrils flare, meaning he’s trying to figure out what is going on. He shakes his head and I can’t help but notice how cute he looks.

I sigh and say “I think we need to stop this. I don’t think I can keep going on like this.”

He chuckles and says “Derbear, did you finally figure out that we haven’t been having the hate sex you thought we were having?”

I look at him sharply before saying “What do you mean, Stiles?”

He jumps off the counter to stand in front of me and says “Oh, Der. You mornon. Do you remember I’m a shifter as well?”

I nod and say “Of course I remember that. What about it?”

He chuckles and says “Oh my goodness. Do you think if we were actually having hate sex either of us would refuse to use condoms? We scent mark each other almost all the time. We’ve been having sex for well over a year, exclussively and we have never used condoms. Are you telling me you don’t understand still?”

I deflate and say “I don’t understand what you’re saying, Sti?”

He runs a hand over my neck and says “Oh sweetheart. I’ve been in love with you since we were 15. And clearly you realized you love me as well.”

I lightly touch his neck and say “I am a moron clearly. You let me touch your neck without problem. How did I never see it? I’ve been posturing for so long for no reason. I didn’t think you would want me if I wasn’t a dick.”

He kisses me lightly and says “Oh, Der. You still don’t know, do you?”

I look into his whiskey eyes and say “What do you mean?”

He smiles slightly and says “Der, take a sniff of my neck and I’m sure you’ll know what I mean.”

I do as he says before gasping and say “Oh god, we’re mates. How did I not know? Why did you never tell me?”

He pulls away slightly and says “I was scared. I knew you were mine, but I wasn’t positive I was yours. I didn’t feel secure enough to tell you before you figured at least part of it out yourself.”

I pull him to my chest and say “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m an idiot. I didn’t mean to hurt you this way. I’ll make up for it I promise. I’ll court you properly and introduce you to my family. No wonder mom and Laura have been so pissed at me recently. They had to have known even when I didn’t. No wonder I set your ringtone to what I did. I’m such an idiot.”

He chuckles softly and says “They do know. They talked to me about it months ago. But I told them to let you figure it out on your own. What is my ringtone?”

I sigh and say “You didn’t have to protect me from my family, baby. I would deserve whatever they threw at me for being so blind. Bad enough for you by All Time Low.”

He laughs hard and says “You silly boy. Love, you’re an idiot. Of course I had to protect you from your family or they would have not accepted me as well as they already have. By letting you figure it out yourself it makes me look better than if I let them tell you. They’ll respect me more that way.”

I chuckle and say “Sometimes I really forget the fact that you’re a genius. God, how did I get so lucky? I couldn’t have pictured a better mate. You’re gorgeous, you’re caring, you’re brilliant, you’re the strongest person I know and you are far too good for me.”

He shakes his head and says “Der, I know you. You’re beautiful, intelligent, loving, a good man and a closet dork. Neither of us is too good for the other. And now we’re on the same page. Which I am very grateful for.”

I kiss him slowly for the first time and melt against him. I’m glad we’re on the same page now, as well. I’m glad I don’t have to lose another minute of my time with my mate, by being a moron.

@softranswolves

its so scary to put yourself out there but a SINGLE message saying "hi i loved what you made it touched me in some way" makes it all worth it 10000%

Advice for girls: buy skinny jeans in the boy’s section

They’re more comfortable, still form fitting, and best of all: THE POCKETS. THEY HAVE ACTUAL POCKETS.

don’t believe me? look:

these are boys pants, and they look just as good on me as any other skinny jeans I own

See that phone? I’m going to put it in the pocket. Must be so small right??

Ah yes, girl pants length. Probably can’t fit any further than that-

what? what’s this?

Good god. Oh good lord in heaven. This is blasphemous.

Look at how much room is still there. There’s chaos in the streets. Babies are crying. Fashion designers are screaming out of fear of the unknown.

Buy your pants in the boys section, girls. Live in the beautiful world you deserve where you can fit shit in your pocket.

Adapt to this

not to be “that person who stares at gifs and makes a weird whining noise in the back of their throat all day” but

I’m kinda suffering

A LOT

So here’s some gifs to drag you all down with me

You know if you feel like watching Dean quietly implode via his hand on a loop all day

Since I’m struggling

Financially at the moment, I decided that I’m going to open at least one Etsy to help bring money in. Since my fiancé and I are living on our own with four pets on one income. The one I’m starting with is a pet supply one, once I have it up and running I’ll link it if anyone is interested. Also if you have any advice on what to put in my Etsy or other ways to bring in more money it’d be appreciated immensely.

Yes I’m adding pictures of my cute guinea pigs to hopefully get more attention so I can get advice. Also just love sharing my adorable babies with the world. They’re amazing honestly.

That hit a lot closer to home than I expected.

Ok people (specifically baby boomers, I’ve found) tend to say that “teens these days think they’re indestructible!” I beg to differ. This generation KNOWS how fragile we are, but we do stupid shit anyway bc we just don’t care. We’re all so stressed out and lowkey have a death wish that our attitude towards being stupid is just “meh, McFuck it”

SIGN UP FOR PROMPT #569: AMNESTY 2023 WEEK 2

This week's prompt is: ANY PAST PROMPT

It’s that time of year! For this week, ANY PAST PROMPT is fair game. Want to write for two or three previous prompts? That’s fine! Pick whatever prompts you want to write for, whether you’ve written for them before or not, and write those stories. Have a story that turned into a beast, and you didn't get it done and haven't posted it yet? Polish that off and post! Be sure to tag both this week’s prompt AND the prompt you wrote for when posting. Don’t forget to add your work to this week’s prompt and the past prompt collection on AO3, too!

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