We Let A Little Come Out Last Night In Front Of Our Best Friend And Boyfriend, It Was The First Time

Tw: suicide attempt-hospitalization-mental health

Continue at your own expense

So, we’ve been gone for a bit. Our depressive episode came to a head, and we downed a months worth of our antidepressants and ended up on a ventilator in the ICU. We were in the hospital for 6 days before getting transferred to a psych unit where we spent another 8 days.

Everything before the OD is incredibly blurry. All of our memories feel farther away than they are and we keep getting confused on what happened when, not too far from the norm but much worse than usual. That mixed with the chronic back pain from lying in bed for six days means we are far from recovered.

That being said, I want to thank those who have supported me thus far. Even though most of them will never see this, I want everyone to know that none of them have given up on me, and they have all gone above and beyond to help me in anyway they can. I am so beyond appreciative for those who have stood by me despite my stupid decision making.

One of the reasons I’m posting this is to have a timeline of when things happened to look back on, but also so I don’t forget how many people have helped me.

-Apollo

Feel lucky, I can never get our voice to work right

-Hunter

Voice dysphoria is the literal worst. Like, it’s easy enough to avoid our reflection, but damn is it hard to avoid talking when most people don’t know American Sign Language.

Fuck this and me.

-Hunter

Okay, thank you so much for your input/gen This is just about what happens to us too with a few differences.

-Apollo

I’m on a roll with posts today, so I’m going to keep going.

To those who have already interacted with my post on amnesia thank you so much for the information and suggestions, I really appreciate it. But I do have another question for you guys.

When you switch, what does it look like? For me I start to find it really difficult to focus on anything when I switch out. I go into a dissociative catatonic state where I’m processing everything but I can’t move anything -not my eyes, not my fingers- unless I am fighting very hard. Once I get to that point no one can break me out of it but myself and I don’t usually try very hard because I’ll only come back for a minute or two before dissociating again.

But when I switch back in, it’s totally different. I am fully functional the entire time and it can really hard to notice unless I realize I’m acting different.

It maybe important to state that I don’t typically lose control or consciousness when I’m not in the front. I am still very much there, my personality and everything about me is gone. But I still retain my memories. It’s basically PDID but I try not to use that term because I live in the states and it isn’t recognized here.

I just wanted to know if anyone experiences something similar when it comes to such a big functional difference between switching in and out.

Thanks in advance.

-Apollo still

-Hunter

[Text: This introject isn't their source.]

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Well apparently they aren’t primary care like it said on their website. Apparently they’re just like a virtual urgent care and can’t write me a referral for a tilt table test. This is so frustrating. I’m literally in tears.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo

That moment when you (a guy) realize your boyfriend is gay :O

-Apollo

So….. I got the results back the other night. After four and a half weeks of obsessively checking my email waiting for them to be sent.

Unspecified Dissociative Disorder

I’m We’re officially diagnosed

I haven’t really taken the time to process because in the two days before I got the results I’ve come out to my friends and family as a trans guy and most of that went well but not all of it. My mind has been very occupied by the euphoria of not having to pretend and not worrying who misgenders me because the people who matter would never do that.

So I have not yet taken that proper time and space to think about the diagnosis at all. When I opened the email it was 2:30 AM and I had to be up for work in three hours so I needed sleep. Which is partially why it took me three days to post this.

So Im getting to the point of dealing with and processing the emotions of finally being validated while also having confirmation that I can’t just ignore it till goes away cause it’s more than my imagination. And then figuring out what that will mean going forward in my life.

For the time being I’m going to start posting on here again. I’ve been avoiding putting anything on here because I DID NOT want to think about the results until they were in.

Anyways, that’s the life update. Hope you guys have a good day/night

-Apollo

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

This is the point we’re constantly trying to get across.

-Apollo

I do not care what alignment you have with syscourse right now.

Harassment isn’t something that should be encouraged. If someone does not align with your views, block them and move on. If they’re harassing people, no matter what alignment you have, keep other people safe.

Don’t go spilling trauma to people either, it can trigger people.

Just block and move on. It does better for everyone.

We are anti-endo, but if someone comments that there is a blog that is harassing people even if they’re also anti-endo, I’m not for it. I’ll tell everyone no matter what. They’re harassing people, they don’t need to interact with anyone if they’re doing that.

Please stay safe.

Isn’t it great when you have chest pain and whatnot? And because you have all sorts of undiagnosed physical issues AND you’re afab you just kinda have to deal with it and not let your anxiety eat you alive? Great right?

Traumagenic-only community blogs : a masterlist

For anyone who feels uncomfortable having to share community spaces with endogenic systems, a masterlist might useful.

If you know of other blogs, let us know and we'll had them to the list !

Last updated on: 07.03.2024

Culture

@pluralcultureis @polyfragcultureis @narccultureis

Community

@sys-polls @anti-endo-safe-space @system-hottakes @tales-from-systok @tales-from-sysblr @tales-from-syscord

Vent

@sys-confessions @antiendovents @system-vent

Positivity

@cdd-joy @positivitycombopack

Templates, userboxes and flags

@crows-templets @zero-templates @electricalstemplates @systemuserboxes @systemtermz @flagsandtags @hydra-creates

Resources

@atlas-duo

A very special thanks to @the-hydra-sys who helped us so much in making this masterlist.