USA People! Buy NOTHING Feb 28 2025. Not Anything. 24 Hours. No Spending. Buy The Day Before Or After

Death by amnesia, that sounds pretty accurate.

First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die

How you dying 👀

Well of course you don’t remember it, to you it was just another time you had to deal with your kid being annoying. To you it was just a short second when you couldn't be bothered to control your anger. To you it was just another inconvenience after an already long day.

But to me, the kid that you yelled at to stop crying because you had a headache, to me it was the first of many moments that taught me I was only an inconvenience. To me it was the shocking reality that I am only worth your affection if I'm easy to deal with.

I don't expect you to remember what to you was only another tired day. But you can trust that I won't forget the first thing you ever taught me.

So….. I got the results back the other night. After four and a half weeks of obsessively checking my email waiting for them to be sent.

Unspecified Dissociative Disorder

I’m We’re officially diagnosed

I haven’t really taken the time to process because in the two days before I got the results I’ve come out to my friends and family as a trans guy and most of that went well but not all of it. My mind has been very occupied by the euphoria of not having to pretend and not worrying who misgenders me because the people who matter would never do that.

So I have not yet taken that proper time and space to think about the diagnosis at all. When I opened the email it was 2:30 AM and I had to be up for work in three hours so I needed sleep. Which is partially why it took me three days to post this.

So Im getting to the point of dealing with and processing the emotions of finally being validated while also having confirmation that I can’t just ignore it till goes away cause it’s more than my imagination. And then figuring out what that will mean going forward in my life.

For the time being I’m going to start posting on here again. I’ve been avoiding putting anything on here because I DID NOT want to think about the results until they were in.

Anyways, that’s the life update. Hope you guys have a good day/night

-Apollo

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

The frustration of being a fictive from something my host created is so overwhelming. No one knows my source mates. I can’t simply look up fan art when I want to see my friends. I can’t have conversations about my friends and have anyone know who the fuck I’m talking about. No one knows me.

When you’re in a bad place mentally and start reaching out to people you barley talk to in an attempt to get some validation for your very existence….

Anyways, good night

-Varian

Had our first therapy session this morning with an actual trauma informed therapist/physiatrist. And she made a few very good points.

The main one being, it doesn’t matter what label your symptoms fall under. While yes getting a diagnosis can be very beneficial in helping you understand what steps can be taken, it is not required in order for you to be valid. If you are not CONSCIOUSLY putting on a show of having a disorder for attention then these symptoms are real to you. They affect you don’t they?

If you are in physical pain it doesn’t matter if there’s a physiological reason like a broken bone or if it’s a misfire in your brain. It’s still painful. And you would never tell someone in pain that it’s not real because you can’t see the problem. So why would you tell yourself that.

No one can take away your validity, you are in total control of whether you belive in yourself. Other people can do their best to invalidate you and influence your confidence, but it only if you let them will they have any success.

And I know it might sound a bit hypocritical because I didn’t feel valid until my therapist told me I was this morning. This is as much a lesson I need to learn as it is for you. I just hope as many people as possible can hear this and start to do something about it for themselves.

Other than that, have a goodnight.

-Apollo

Tw: syscourse

I’m going to be totally honest, I don’t have a problem with endos as long as they stay in their own lane. They don’t belong in DID/OSDD spaces, but I refuse to hate someone for their beliefs. If they believe they are a system, cool, let them do their thing. I personally believe that you form a system as a coping mechanism to repetitive inescapable trauma. But if you believe something different and you aren’t hating on me for what I believe, totally cool, agree to disagree.

That being said, I will not support people who hate on traumagenic for any reason. I always tag my posts with #endos dni because so many people have been attacked by them for being traumagenic with their own ideas.

I’m not saying if you identify as endogenic you’re a bad person and you’re hateful. I just don’t want to invite endos into a place for traumagenic systems. The same way that cishets and straights aren’t always allowed in LGTBQ spaces, there are spaces just for traumagenic systems. And I want this to be one of them because I believe that trauma is the only way to truly be a system.

If you believe something different, that’s cool, I just ask that you don’t interact. I can’t stop you, all I can do is warn you that if you choose to interact anyway you are representing your community as one that does not listen to boundaries.

These are my own beliefs, please do not hate on others (including other alters in my system as they have their own beliefs) due to these beliefs. If you really want to hate on someone hate on me, just know again that you are instilling an image of a hateful community that does not believe that others are entitled to their opinion. Which everyone is.

Okay that’s it, rant over, have a good day whoever you are and however you identify. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

-whoever the heck is fronting

Before you judge me, please read the whole thing.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s definitely true that fictives aren’t their source, and you can’t judge a fictive based on their source, that being said, isn’t it okay for a fictive struggling with being triggered by source trauma to set healthy boundaries?

It’s like if you have medical trauma and you don’t like going to the doctors because of a bad experience. You aren’t saying that all doctors are evil because you don’t want to get a check up. You’re just admitting that you aren’t in a healthy spot to deal with that trauma or any reminders of it.

There are definitely situations where people misuse the “DNI” and make blanket statements, but I believe it’s totally plausible to believe fictives aren’t their source, and still put down a boundary to help you feel okay.

If that boundary is put down so you can villainize alters with specific sources, then yeah you’re being problematic. But otherwise I see no issue with distancing yourself from something triggering for you

"fictives aren't their source" and "(source) fictives DNI" do NOT belong in the same bio.

Anyone else ever feel like their system has too many issues? Like, if I find one more physical or mental issue we have I’m going to loose my crap.

People already have a hard time believing we’re a system let alone everything else wrong with us on top of it.

Why….? -Apollo

Hello mutual of mine! I saw ya in m notes and wanted to say hello! How are you?

(You liked my some of my Percy Jackson reblogs and thus being the autism i am I have to ask if you like pjo)

- @crow-collective15

Hey mutual! I’m doing pretty well, thanks for checking in!

And yes, I love pjo, I really need to finish trial of Apollo though, I’m almost done and have the last two books just sitting on my shelf because I havnt been motivated enough to read anything 😭