Well Of Course You Don’t Remember It, To You It Was Just Another Time You Had To Deal With Your Kid

[Box 1: Text: This system doesn't like being referred to as parts.

Box 2 Text: This system is asking you to stop calling us parts please.]

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Me and my one irl system friend are tuned into the same microwave frequency, trying to push the buttons and make it work when it’s not even plugged in.

-Apollo

ED, weight and food talk below the cut. Proceed with caution.

So in the past couple of months I’ve started being very particular with my food. Like I could only make myself eat my safe foods unless I was really forcing myself. And then slowly it turned into only being able to eat my safe foods at all. And then two weeks ago it developed into not even being able to eat my safe foods.

In the past three months I’ve lost 25 pounds unintentionally. In the past ten days I’ve eaten a total of four meals. And it’s not like I don’t want to eat, it’s not like I’m having a ED relapse and I’m keeping myself from eating because I don’t want to gain weight it’s just that every time I get something ready, heat it up and put it in front of me, I cannot get myself to actually eat it.

It’s to the point when I’m freezing, shivering, in my bedroom, the same place I used to always think was way too hot. (And don’t blame the season, I’m in Florida and the highs are still in the 80s every day). I’ve started fitting into my mom’s clothes. My mom who is underweight for her height and three inches shorter than me. My own clothes don’t fit anymore. And even seeing all of this, wanting to eat, I just CANT.

I don’t know why.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve tried eating distracted, giving myself something to give my focus to, all that does is give me an excuse to not look at the food at all and not touch it. I’ve tried eating things I’m in the mood for and that worked until about three-four weeks ago when I was no longer in the mood for anything.

Not eating combined with ten hour work shifts I’m actually scared I’m going to pass out while working. Cause it’s all manual labor and walking around. Todays the first day of my four day work week, with any luck today won’t be terrible but the 500 calories I had yesterday and the 5 hours of sleep that I’m running on are not promising numbers.

Ok, I’m done ranting for now. Hope you guys have a good day.

Is no one going to mention that the guys shirt says ‘LETS EAT KIDS!’

Since the diagnosis I have not switched out once. There have been several times where I almost have but I have fought so hard to stay here. I don’t know why but the thought of switching out now is terrifying. I think it’s because I can no longer convince myself that it’s not real and that I actually am the one in control. Now that I’m diagnosed I can’t put them into a box labeled ‘not real/important’ which is something I would do a lot before so that I didn’t have to deal with it.

Now I’m just terrified to let go of control because I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.

That system feeling when your MALE alter comes out and finds your STRAIGHT boyfriend cute and then proceeds to flirt with him and makes him question everything. 😂

-Apollo

Okay so, I’ve been very aware that we do this thing, but only recently did I actually realize HOW OFTEN we do it.

So we do this thing where we think through conversations that MIGHT happen, and we typically either mouth along to the parts we would say or just say it out loud like we’re talking to them.

And I’ve known we do it for a while but I totally thought of it as like a once or twice a day thing. And then today driving home from work I started thinking about how often we do it. And while thinking about it I started running through a conversation where I explain it to a friend and ask their opinion. And then I caught myself like three lines in. And then I started thinking I should talk to my therapist about it, and started running through THAT conversation. I caught myself about half a sentence into that and was shocked at how quickly I fell into it. And then started thinking about how a conversation with a friend explaining THIS EXACT SITUATION AND THOUGHT PROCESS would go. And only got about two words out before I realized.

All of the sudden I am very aware of just how often I do this, which is apparently ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Does anyone have a word for this or like a name for it? Cause I have no clue what’s happening but I know I can’t be the only one who does it.

Shoutout from Hunter here (source: the owl house) to every introject, NOT JUST FIVTIVES. -Whether you identify closely with your source or not. -Whether you feel comfortable in the body or not. -Whether you want a new name or are sticking with the old one. -Whether you miss your sourcemates or not. -Whether you come from a fully accepted source or a problematic one. -Whether you mask or not. -Whether you have traumatic pseudo memories or fun pseudo memories or none at all. -Whether you come from a widely known source or a more obscure one. -Whether you’re existence is even known yet. -No matter who you are are or how you experience life

You are heard. You are valid and your struggles are valid. You don’t have to hide and I appreciate you for trying. Things will get hard and even if you think you have no reason to be sad you are entitled to your feelings, I want this to be a safe, judgment free zone for you. So stay as long as you like/need. Please share this in any way you can with a struggling introject to let them know that they aren’t alone.

From your friendly struggling introject

-Hunter

P.S. take a deep breath and don’t forget to hydrate/eat/take your meds/anything else you’ve been putting off

Tw: syscourse

I’m going to be totally honest, I don’t have a problem with endos as long as they stay in their own lane. They don’t belong in DID/OSDD spaces, but I refuse to hate someone for their beliefs. If they believe they are a system, cool, let them do their thing. I personally believe that you form a system as a coping mechanism to repetitive inescapable trauma. But if you believe something different and you aren’t hating on me for what I believe, totally cool, agree to disagree.

That being said, I will not support people who hate on traumagenic for any reason. I always tag my posts with #endos dni because so many people have been attacked by them for being traumagenic with their own ideas.

I’m not saying if you identify as endogenic you’re a bad person and you’re hateful. I just don’t want to invite endos into a place for traumagenic systems. The same way that cishets and straights aren’t always allowed in LGTBQ spaces, there are spaces just for traumagenic systems. And I want this to be one of them because I believe that trauma is the only way to truly be a system.

If you believe something different, that’s cool, I just ask that you don’t interact. I can’t stop you, all I can do is warn you that if you choose to interact anyway you are representing your community as one that does not listen to boundaries.

These are my own beliefs, please do not hate on others (including other alters in my system as they have their own beliefs) due to these beliefs. If you really want to hate on someone hate on me, just know again that you are instilling an image of a hateful community that does not believe that others are entitled to their opinion. Which everyone is.

Okay that’s it, rant over, have a good day whoever you are and however you identify. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

-whoever the heck is fronting

YALL! I JUST FOUND THE ‘GOTH RAVE’ COLOR PALLET SETTING!! WAS NO ONE GOING TO TELL ME THIS WAS A THING??!