Latest Posts by apollortaylor - Page 4

So, the host’s boyfriend came and talked to us, made sure we were okay, that was cool. I ended up talking it out and feeling much better afterwards.

So that’s nice.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

No longer masking near as hard, they managed to get it out of me that I wasn’t the host. Still pretending to be okay though.

The host’s boyfriend is kinda aggressive to me because he wants his gf back, so, I’m going to just leave him alone.

On the one hand I understand.

But on the other it’s not cool.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

tiktok can be really toxic to systems, if you do make the channel be careful!

Thank you so much for your input/gen

I’ll be sure to take precautions and not spend too much time on it if I decide to do that. I mainly just want a place where I can look back at my experiences and possible help others find themselves as well.

-Apollo

I have an idea, but I’m unsure about it. I pull y’all be interested if I made a system centered tik tok? I think it would be cool for me to have like a video journal of sorts. Lmk what your thoughts are.

Before you judge me, please read the whole thing.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s definitely true that fictives aren’t their source, and you can’t judge a fictive based on their source, that being said, isn’t it okay for a fictive struggling with being triggered by source trauma to set healthy boundaries?

It’s like if you have medical trauma and you don’t like going to the doctors because of a bad experience. You aren’t saying that all doctors are evil because you don’t want to get a check up. You’re just admitting that you aren’t in a healthy spot to deal with that trauma or any reminders of it.

There are definitely situations where people misuse the “DNI” and make blanket statements, but I believe it’s totally plausible to believe fictives aren’t their source, and still put down a boundary to help you feel okay.

If that boundary is put down so you can villainize alters with specific sources, then yeah you’re being problematic. But otherwise I see no issue with distancing yourself from something triggering for you

"fictives aren't their source" and "(source) fictives DNI" do NOT belong in the same bio.

This, but for every mental illness. Self diagnosing can be really helpful and when backed with proper research I have very little problem with it. If you feel that ceritain terms help you understand something, go for it, those terms aren’t only there for people who are in a position where they can get a diagnosis. They are also there for those questioning and trying to understand who they are.

I personally start to have a problem when people use terms incorrectly and spread misinformation using them (shout out to the majority of the endo community)

It’s like someone with a hoarding disorder telling people it’s because they’re autistic. Both of these things can be issues separately and should both have support, but they are two entirely different things. Claiming you are one thing without doing the proper research can very easily spread discourse and misinformation.

Spreading misinformation can be detrimental to someone trying to understand themselves or anyone trying to understand someone in the community.

And spreading discourse is a great way to further divide a community like this one that is already rocky.

I’m fine with people self diagnosing in certain situations with proper research. Getting an actual diagnosis just isn’t possible for a lot of people and it can be really difficult to live your life not fully accepting that something is happening, or not being able to explain your symptoms properly because you don’t feel those terms are for you.

-stay safe and well, Apollo

In my autism evaluation today, my evaluator said "whether or not we can give you an on-the-books diagnosis, you do have autistic traits. I would never want to take away language that has helped you find a supportive community or skills and tools that help you navigate the world. Don't use the diagnosis as the be-all end-all measure of your validity."

Update: I should be getting my meds on Monday, my new psychiatrist/therapist refilled them for us so yay!

The body is going through some really severe medication withdrawal due to a mixup with our psychiatrist resulting in us not having a refill of our medication. It’s messing with our circulation, our head, and our mood.

And oh my gosh my mood is so fucked up rn.

If I’m alone I burst into tears over the smallest shit. To the point where I was crying cause I wasn’t falling asleep as fast as I wanted or started yelling at my car cause the door wouldn’t stay open when I was parked on a slope. I have to stay around someone who can distract me so I’m not crying. Which sucks cause I’m at work. And cant just leave to go hang out with friends.

I’m so tired. Really need to figure out this medication situation.

When you’re in a bad place mentally and start reaching out to people you barley talk to in an attempt to get some validation for your very existence….

Anyways, good night

-Varian

Tw: this is a vent related to heavy source trauma, grief, life threatening situations, and self hatred.

So I’m a fictive of Varian from the Tangled TV series. For anyone who’s seen that series and knows what I’m talking about, the memories I have all consist of grief and guilt, I only remember the moment after I got my dad trapped. That’s it. Imagine the darkest point of your life being the only thing you can remember about yourself.

I blame myself for putting my dad in danger and I never got the chance to see if he would be okay. I know that it works out in my source but… I’m not my source.

I don’t know how to deal with all the guilt I feel. I don’t know how to move on if I don’t know what happens next.

I will scroll through fan art people have of me and my source, purposely triggering myself so I can stay grounded and actually feel something.

It’s difficult when everyone around you either doesn’t believe you exist or doesn’t want you to. I don’t really have anyone to turn to, hence the very personal post on tumbler.

If this is too much just lmk and I’ll take it down. But this is what it is to be a fictive with a traumatic source. Or to be around people who only know or want the host. The hosts friends are cool, but it feels like they would rather I be Apollo. And I can’t do that. I’m not totally sure what to do about it at this point.

-Varian

Reblogging so I can answer the question.

There are several things that I can do to influence a switch, though I would like to preface this with two things.

1: just because it doesn’t look or feel like you would expect it to doesn’t mean you aren’t switching. For us a switch is a huge personality shift even though our conscious stays mainly unaffected. Sometimes the only way we’ve realized we switched is cause either our likes and dislikes don’t match the hosts, or a friend will point out something small we often didn’t realize we’re doing that the host would never do. (Including but not limited to: breathing patterns, posture, word choice, tone, and energy level)

2. As stated in previous posts of ours, forcing a switch when it’s not necessary can be really harmful to the system and your mental health. Trying to prove to yourself that you are valid by forcing a switch is one of the worst things you can do. You validity does not hinge on if you can switch when you want to or if you even switch at all. Your symptoms are valid even if they don’t fit into the box you’re thinking of. That being said, if you need it to happen it most likely will, but if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t switch, here are some tips of how to get it started.

Positive triggers

A positive trigger is anything that can get a headmate closer to the front. Maybe it’s their favorite song or a food they really enjoy, maybe it’s as simple as talking about them irl. It’s anything that gets them excited to front.

Environment

I personally have a hard time switching in an environment that I’m not comfortable in unless I get badly triggered and someone else comes out to deal with it. So if you’re looking for a casual switch just to learn more about you’re system, try surrounding yourself with people who are aware of the system and support all of you. Or if you would rather do this on your own, try going to a safe space where no one will interrupt you.

Unmasking

It’s possible that your headmates aren’t comfortable coming out because you are telling them they have to mask perfectly. So maybe to get them used to being in the front, let them come out when you are in a safe space and no one will judge you. Give them some time and space to be themselves. Since this is mainly a covert disorder a lot of alters very well might be great at masking, but that’s no guarantee. So start of in a safe space and a healthy mindset.

Inner system communication

This is a big one, if you have any communication between your different parts try using it to express what you would like. Be honest, they share your brain and may very well know when you’re lying. Explain that they are safe to come out and do as they please, that no one’s going to hurt them (again make sure you are in that safe space and healthy mindset). This simple encouragement can do wonders, but if they’re still hesitant for whatever reason or if the straight up just say no, respect that. Otherwise you might cause discourse or tension in the system which is the last thing you want.

I know a lot of this was more mindset stuff you can work on, but that stuff can be really helpful. I’ll end this post with another warning against forcing a switch when you don’t need to, and some encouragement that even if you don’t switch like you’re ‘supposed to’ it doesn’t make it any less valid, you’re feelings are still there and they’re real to you.

Have a good day, hope this is helpful.

-Apollo

Follow-up from this post here:

How do you personally leave the front? Is there any specific thing that you do that you consider important to the switching process?

Also, are there any tips you could possibly give me about switching out of the front?

I am so emotionally confused. I have a crush on this guy. One problem with that.

It’s the host’s boyfriend.

I’m not a confrontational person, so I’m not totally sure what to do. Apollo already knows. But isn’t sure what to do or if to bring it up. I want to bring it up to the hosts best friend, but at the same time I’m not super close to them…. Soooooo….. yeah.

-Varian

The body is going through some really severe medication withdrawal due to a mixup with our psychiatrist resulting in us not having a refill of our medication. It’s messing with our circulation, our head, and our mood.

And oh my gosh my mood is so fucked up rn.

If I’m alone I burst into tears over the smallest shit. To the point where I was crying cause I wasn’t falling asleep as fast as I wanted or started yelling at my car cause the door wouldn’t stay open when I was parked on a slope. I have to stay around someone who can distract me so I’m not crying. Which sucks cause I’m at work. And cant just leave to go hang out with friends.

I’m so tired. Really need to figure out this medication situation.

Okay, thank you so much for your input/gen This is just about what happens to us too with a few differences.

-Apollo

I’m on a roll with posts today, so I’m going to keep going.

To those who have already interacted with my post on amnesia thank you so much for the information and suggestions, I really appreciate it. But I do have another question for you guys.

When you switch, what does it look like? For me I start to find it really difficult to focus on anything when I switch out. I go into a dissociative catatonic state where I’m processing everything but I can’t move anything -not my eyes, not my fingers- unless I am fighting very hard. Once I get to that point no one can break me out of it but myself and I don’t usually try very hard because I’ll only come back for a minute or two before dissociating again.

But when I switch back in, it’s totally different. I am fully functional the entire time and it can really hard to notice unless I realize I’m acting different.

It maybe important to state that I don’t typically lose control or consciousness when I’m not in the front. I am still very much there, my personality and everything about me is gone. But I still retain my memories. It’s basically PDID but I try not to use that term because I live in the states and it isn’t recognized here.

I just wanted to know if anyone experiences something similar when it comes to such a big functional difference between switching in and out.

Thanks in advance.

-Apollo still

Had our first therapy session this morning with an actual trauma informed therapist/physiatrist. And she made a few very good points.

The main one being, it doesn’t matter what label your symptoms fall under. While yes getting a diagnosis can be very beneficial in helping you understand what steps can be taken, it is not required in order for you to be valid. If you are not CONSCIOUSLY putting on a show of having a disorder for attention then these symptoms are real to you. They affect you don’t they?

If you are in physical pain it doesn’t matter if there’s a physiological reason like a broken bone or if it’s a misfire in your brain. It’s still painful. And you would never tell someone in pain that it’s not real because you can’t see the problem. So why would you tell yourself that.

No one can take away your validity, you are in total control of whether you belive in yourself. Other people can do their best to invalidate you and influence your confidence, but it only if you let them will they have any success.

And I know it might sound a bit hypocritical because I didn’t feel valid until my therapist told me I was this morning. This is as much a lesson I need to learn as it is for you. I just hope as many people as possible can hear this and start to do something about it for themselves.

Other than that, have a goodnight.

-Apollo

People in my head go brrr

-Nick (my boyfriend who stole my phone)

We let a little come out last night in front of our best friend and boyfriend, it was the first time we had a little in the front without a caretaker confronting and without them masking.

Let me just say. Both my friend and my boyfriend were amazing at taking care of her. They explained things and made her laugh. They were very patient even though none of us knew it was going to happen.

I wish everyone had as amazing and supportive people in their life as I do. People who won’t judge or belittle you when you start acting like an 8 year old, but instead will teach them how to cross their eyes and give them a taste of their soda and explain things like growing up to an alter that is scared to get older.

Thank you guys for everything. I hope I never lose you.

-Apollo

I’m on a roll with posts today, so I’m going to keep going.

To those who have already interacted with my post on amnesia thank you so much for the information and suggestions, I really appreciate it. But I do have another question for you guys.

When you switch, what does it look like? For me I start to find it really difficult to focus on anything when I switch out. I go into a dissociative catatonic state where I’m processing everything but I can’t move anything -not my eyes, not my fingers- unless I am fighting very hard. Once I get to that point no one can break me out of it but myself and I don’t usually try very hard because I’ll only come back for a minute or two before dissociating again.

But when I switch back in, it’s totally different. I am fully functional the entire time and it can really hard to notice unless I realize I’m acting different.

It maybe important to state that I don’t typically lose control or consciousness when I’m not in the front. I am still very much there, my personality and everything about me is gone. But I still retain my memories. It’s basically PDID but I try not to use that term because I live in the states and it isn’t recognized here.

I just wanted to know if anyone experiences something similar when it comes to such a big functional difference between switching in and out.

Thanks in advance.

-Apollo still

Doesn’t come off as rude at all. I didn’t realize you could come out of a black out and not realize. I’ll have to do more research. Thanks for interacting with my post and bringing this up to me. /gen /pos

-Apollo

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.

I’ve tried journaling and we collectively suck at it, but the pictures definitely might help if we can figure out how to do it consistently. Thank you so much for the suggestion/gen /pos

-Apollo

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.

Like, we feel so bad for the host’s boyfriend because she will periodically just disappear and he’ll be stuck with some random person who has her body, like that must suck. I kinda want to force a switch for him but I know she switched out for a reason.

-either Leo or Hunter

Okay but can we talk about how annoying it is to switch in to the body and the host put us in a super tight corset and none of us can breathe?

-A male alter in a afab body

why endos dni? /nm/genq

(Sorry for the delay in responding)

As previously mentioned on this blog, I want my blog to be a purely traumagenic system space. As a traumagenic system myself I believe I have every right to ask for a space that does not include those who have different fundamentals than me. I have seen so many people attacked for believing that trauma is the only way to form a system (this is what I believe as well) by self labeled endogenic systems who say they accept everyone. I have no problem with speaking civilly and being kind to those who disagree with me, as long as we can both agree that bullying from the safety of a screen is not okay.

The same way LGTBQAI+ individuals may want a community without straights to help them feel safe, this doesn’t mean I’m labeling all individuals who identify as endogenic a bully, I’m simply trying to eliminate the possibility of ever making this space hostile.

If you are an endogenic reading this, know that I have no right to tell you you are invalid. You may very well be experiencing the same things as I am with a different label on it. That being said, if you are an endogenic I ask that you steer clear of my blog to help those who don’t trust your community, that has repeatedly attacked them.

Thanks for the question/gen

-Apollo

Quick reminder to all the systems out there who might read this. Don’t suppress or force switches unless necessary for safety okay? Our host suppressed a switch all day and had a breakdown because of it. She got up overstimulated to the point where her own breathing was aggravating her and she kept holding her breath. It wasn’t pretty and sure wasn’t fun for her. The rest of us have been going in and out for a bit since someone else took control so that she could take a break.

I just wanted to remind anyone out there who might need to hear it, don’t suppress a switch because you think it’s not real. Denial is real and it’s a beast. But just because someone else told you that it’s not happening doesn’t change the reality. If you are experiencing these symptoms, whatever you label them as, suppressing them when it’s unnecessary can be incredibly harmful to your mental health and the health of the system. I don’t mean to say that you should never try to stay grounded, but you KNOW when you’re getting triggered and should step back. Don’t force yourself to stay in a bad and triggering environment because you think you should be able to handle it or because someone else said it’s not real. Would you stay in a loud are if you had a headache? No! So why not let someone better equipped handle the situation?

Just as a side note, if you are not in a safe environment where your system feels they cannot switch, I understand. Or if you just generally are trying to gain more control, that’s cool too, Im mainly trying to reach those deep in denial who are pushing their headmates out of the front because they don’t believe in their own validity.

Today was a bad day for our host and they were pushing aside a switch that should have happened much earlier in order to reduce the stress the host had to take on. And she ended up full on breakdown mode until someone else was finally able to come in. It’s been a few hours and she’s not back yet when typically she would be by now. I’m not sure when she’ll return but it shouldn’t be too long.

Till next time. -Izuku (emotional regulator)

That system feeling when you have a headache and don’t know if it’s cause you’re splitting, switching, or you forgot to take your meds.

-Apollo

Glad I could help 😊-Apollo

One of the most validating things you can do as a system is try to act like one of your alters, you will very quickly realize you can’t, because it’s just not you. So whenever you need a validation boost, turn on a camera so you can look back on it, and then pick one of your alters and pretend to be them for a few minutes. It’ll look stiff and awkward and not quite right. Because it’s not them.

This tip has been from Apollo. Goodnight people’s

Reblogging our own crap cause someone did it again!

*cough cough* APOLLO *cough cough*

Only this time, it’s me suffering for their actions.

Uuhhggg we feel like crap. Goodnight all.

-Hunter

When you’re a fictive with a tragic hero to villain to hero arc and you have a ton of source trauma that you don’t feel is valid and now you’re just homesick and guilt ridden and you can’t sleep cause SOMEONE drank a monster at 7 PM….

Anyways have a nice night guys

-Varian

Here’s my intro. Wasn’t really sure what to say but today I learned I’m terrible on camera. Anyways. Sorry about the wrinkled shirt it’s the only one I could find that I felt okay in.

Don’t forget to sleep at some point

-Hunter Noceda

Shoutout from Hunter here (source: the owl house) to every introject, NOT JUST FIVTIVES. -Whether you identify closely with your source or not. -Whether you feel comfortable in the body or not. -Whether you want a new name or are sticking with the old one. -Whether you miss your sourcemates or not. -Whether you come from a fully accepted source or a problematic one. -Whether you mask or not. -Whether you have traumatic pseudo memories or fun pseudo memories or none at all. -Whether you come from a widely known source or a more obscure one. -Whether you’re existence is even known yet. -No matter who you are are or how you experience life

You are heard. You are valid and your struggles are valid. You don’t have to hide and I appreciate you for trying. Things will get hard and even if you think you have no reason to be sad you are entitled to your feelings, I want this to be a safe, judgment free zone for you. So stay as long as you like/need. Please share this in any way you can with a struggling introject to let them know that they aren’t alone.

From your friendly struggling introject

-Hunter

P.S. take a deep breath and don’t forget to hydrate/eat/take your meds/anything else you’ve been putting off