Oh 100%

Voldemort: *showing up to a DE meeting with puncture marks everywhere*

Death Eater: My Lord! You fought with vampires!?

Voldemort: *flashback to that morning when he forgot to put warming charms on his snakes the night before AND locked them out of his bedroom so they all converged upon him in revenge* 

Voldemort: Yes

Parseltongue & Tom Riddle

I really need to see more fics with snakes being assholes and Tom having to suffer because they refuse to leave him alone. 

You can’t tell me on a cold night 20 something snakes wouldn’t stick to Tom like glue. 

Or the cat equivalent of sitting on your face while your asleep and suffocating you with fur. AKA noodle boi accidentally wrapping around his neck too tight. 

And snakes do not know boundaries:

Snake: damn it’s cold 

Tom: *minding his business*  

Snake: ah-ha! *shoots up Tom’s pant leg just a touch too far*

Tom: *shrieks* MOTHERFU-!

I like to think that Simon finds the remains the restaurant he and Betty had dates in post-cannon. I also like to think that Betty doesn't fully remember what the restaurant looks like.

Well put. (Source: Writing About Writing Facebook page)

I love this addition! Tom absolutely had experience minding kids. 

Now I imagine that entertaining the babies and toddlers, while probably not fun, was still easier for Tom than interacting with kids older or around his age, once he got the hang of it. Babies are simple, you don’t have to put up a mask around them, and I imagine Tom found that relaxing to have every once in a while. Masking can get exhausting. 

It also puts an interesting light on Tom’s choice to go after people so much younger than him to join the Death Eaters. Outside of the fact that the generation he was apart of would not have looked twice at him, these were 20 somethings in their prime following a middle-aged man (I know a few fics that explore just how jarring the age difference could be sometimes but I can’t for the life of me remember the names). Tom could’ve recruited abroad (Karkaroff is right there so obviously he dabbled in it) or tried the purebloods who started Hogwarts immediately after his graduation and therefore did not have enough knowledge of Tom Riddle to connect the dots. 

But Tom knows how to deal with kids, the orphanage taught him. 

Tom Riddle & The Orphanage

I’ve already talked about the under-utilization of Nobby Leach, but what about the Orphanage? 

As someone who had to live with several people (adults & children both) who made my life miserable and disliked me just as much as I disliked them…there’s no way Tom Riddle was able to avoid them all to the degree canon wants you to believe. 

Sure he has his own room, but he still has to eat, take care of his hygiene, do his chores, go to church, help with the younger children, etc. He’s going to have to interact with the other orphans and matrons at the orphanage, there’s no way around that. 

And some of the other kids may be afraid of him, but children have no fear and are always ready to test boundaries. The adults, Mrs. Cole, especially are already suspicious of him, and you bet the other kids are aware and take advantage of this to taunt and subvert Tom’s authority in front of them. 

Outside of this, there’s also no way to hate everyone and everything at the orphanage all the time. There will be some good moments because that kind of lasting hatred just is…not viable. If not on Tom’s end, then the other kids will undoubtedly become tired of tip-toeing around him. And when the bombs start to fall…no one’s going to give a shit about Tom Riddle and his weirdness, they have bigger things to worry about. And they’re all stuck together anyway. 

Let’s examine some of the relationships Tom had with the other orphans. Tom gets into a fight with Billy Stubbs and, according to Mrs. Cole, hangs his rabbit.  On a trip, Tom lures Denny Bishop & Amy Benson into a cave and traumatized them for life with something so horrible they can’t bear to speak of it.  

Nothing about what caused the argument with Billy Stubbs or why Tom chose those specific orphans to traumatize for life. Because luring two suspicious, jaded orphans into a cave where no one can hear them scream? That would take planning and a big enough motive that Tom thought the risk of Mrs. Cole catching him doing something weird again was worth it. 

But do I believe they were traumatized “for life?” No probably not. This is baby Riddle, not Dark Lord Voldemort, he’s new to the traumatizing children thing. 

So here’s where I go into the more questionable headcanon I have about the orphanage: Tom Riddle has a sibling relationship with these kids he supposedly traumatized. 

Hear me out. 

Tom killed Billy’s rabbit and traumatized Dennis & Amy; how is that sibling-like? 

I can tell you from personal experience. I have 9 siblings (technically) and several cousins who barge into my house uninvited. I also grew up on stories my mom had about her 3 siblings and my grandma had about her 11. My mom pushed her sister off a roof and cut off a piece of her tongue with safety scissors while she was sleeping. Me and the sister closest to my age drive each other crazy. Siblings are the worst to each other and routinely traumatize each other. My sister still will not let go of the things I did as a kid, and vice versa. 

Now these kids may not have chosen to be siblings, but rarely does anyone get that choice anyway. (And if they do, they have moments where they regret it).  

It first starts out with annoying the shit out of each other. You know, barging into their room and not closing the door when they leave, ganging up on the youngest (probably Tom), stealing each other’s toys and hiding them-Oh. OH. 

…See where I’m going there? 

Then once they get older they grow to tolerate each other and gang up on the much more frustrating younger generation of kids who’ve taken up residence in their orphanage. They’ll have to find a compromise on splitting up chores and they’ll need to have the option to talk to people they’re age. Cue reluctant siblings who refuse to admit their siblings. 

Tom Riddle: Why do I get the night shift again?

Amy Benson, to Dennis: Hey, remember that time Tom dragged us to a cave and traumatized us?

Billy Stubbs: And killed my rabbit?

Dennis Bishop: And stole my toys? 

Tom Riddle: You’re never letting this go are you. 

Dennis, Amy, & Billy: Never. 

These 4 kids grew up together and, if they were not adopted-out, grew into adulthood together. 

TL:DR

Tom Riddle does not give off only-child vibes. Discuss. 

Oh no there’s two of them

Harry uses AK 4 times and becomes haunted by a young Tom Riddle

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fan art

On a less serious note, Vox is an unrepentant simp and when all of Hell finds out Alastor was Eve, he is practically foaming at the mouth.

Vox, ecstatic: To think Alastor was the first woman! The mother of all humanity!

Valentino, teasing: To think Vox has a mommy kink.

Velvette, done with both of them: Says the man writing a B-movie script about Eve right now.

Eve Reincarnation!AU

*He/she/they pronouns for Eve

Eve was bored. Heaven's wonders could only entertain her for so long. And she was sick of the pity and condescension.

For all that Lucifer was damned to the hell he created for his actions, he at least had Lilith with him to bare the burden.

She was not so lucky. Adam would sooner die a second death than take accountability. And the angels regarded her alone with mixed pity and suspicion.

Adam thrived in heaven, but it stifled her like nothing else. Eternal peace was stagnant; she missed Earth and eagerly watched the planet and her descendents antics with curiosity.

It was her who first put forth the idea of reincarnation. But Sera, bewildered by her desire to leave heaven and wary of having her alive after her first fuckup (honestly, eat one fruit and they never let you forget it!), dismissed her.

It was just her luck that Adam, who ran his mouth faster than his brain could keep up, bragged about getting the Seraphim to agree to his yearly hell extermination where her request had been rejected.

And wasn't it just grand that it was supposed to be a secret? Wouldn't it be a shame for that to get out, right, Sera?

Her reincarnation request was approved. She was the first and only soul to be granted this. Per her request, heaven would be barred from viewing or interfering with her new life.

And it was wonderful! They had a new life, a new name, a new gender! And no one to hold them back and say 'remember the apple, Eve?'

Then they died. And back to heaven they went, unknowing of their past life as Eve. Until Sera accousted them before they'd even made it through the gate.

Sera conjured a glowing white apple and offered it to them. Their curiosity had followed them to this next life so they accepted and the Seraphim smiled sardonically and said, 'Welcome back Eve.'

But they. weren't. EVE! Not anymore. Or at least they were not JUST eve.

But being the only soul to reincarnate, the angels just didn't understand that. Nor would Sera care to, she allowed Adam and Eve's requests only if she could ignore the consequences.

The human who once was Eve, decided to reincarnate again. Anything to escape their dreary eternity in heaven.

And then he died. And Sera offered him the apple, said, 'Welcome back Eve' and on and on the cycle continued.

He tried to lead his next few lifetimes into sin, maybe in hell they'd get at least some of the excitement she'd loved from Earth.

She had no clue how she kept getting into heaven. Over the course of several different lives, they'd committed all sorts of sins. And yet it never stuck.

So they struck a deal, and in his next life, she finally got what she'd been craving.

Eternal Entertainment.

Welcome to hell, Alastor.

Homewrecker Alastor AU where Lucifer thinks Alastor is involved with his wife, Lilith thinks he's involved with her husband, and both of them are terrified by the hold he has over Charlie. Meanwhile Charlie thinks she has 3 parents now 🥰