If Someone Is Interested Depression Hotline Just Didn’t Have Places For Me Calling For 30 Minutes Again

My kind of academia aesthetic

Listening to Chopin, Beethoven, Mahler, Debussy and Ravel and closing my eyes when the best part comes on

Going insane when the author I'm studying does something great-incredible-admirable as I start to fall in love with him/her

Thanking artists for sharing their art and assuring them silently that their message arrived

Trying ballet steps whenever I come across a mirror + the sound of pointe shoes, theatre's particular smell, tearing up after curtain calls, reharsing pantomime in an empty studio

Heart clenching all the time when a piece of art just strikes me good

Feeling spiritually connected and dreaming to have a chat with Virginia Woolf, maybe while drinking some tea

Knowing Opera arias by heart and humming the melody while busy doing something

Also, being super excited when it's almost theatre time! Like soooo excited! Can't wait!

Studying in an ancient benedictine monastery in Sicily and exploring every inch of it, walking a lot randomly and finding new pretty and quiet places to stay in

Looking up during a boring class and contemplating old frescoes on the ceiling

Tying ribbons in my hair

Ranting angrily about Lancelot in "Le chevalier de la charrete" to my best friend who absolutely had no idea about what was going on

Randomly telling my brother things I learned and him asking for more because I usually make him laugh a lot

Bragging about how much I love every subject I study and absolutely not regretting my choice

Smiling while reading because that passage was sooooo smart-written

FEMINIST. APPROACHES. AND. WARRIOR. WOMEN. IN. LITERATURE.

Taking pictures of the sky everywhere because I always look at it as the ultimate source of beauty

Intense philosophy lessons during summer, held by my father who studies philosophy just because he loves it, and exchanging facts about it during the day

Writing frantically my book's next chapter on the bus during my way home because I were daydreaming so hard about it before (+ my friend telling me it's as good as poetry)

Saving all the exhibition tickets I have been to

Being humble and ambitious at the same time

Telling everyone i'm studying humanities because the worlds needs to change and them not understanding how the two things are linked

I’m gonna try fasting for 48 hours!! I already have 14 hours, so only 34 hours left!! That means I’ll be done by 10 pm tomorrow. But who knows, maybe I’ll go longer because I’ll be sleeping by around that time. If anyone has fasting tips, feel free to leave them !!!

My rules for fasting:

-coffee, tea, and water only

-if I do start to feel really sick, eat a healthy, low calorie snack

-continue the 30 day fitness thingy but stop if I begin to feel ill

-gum is allowed

-if someone asks why I’m not eating, tell them I feel sick/my heard hurts

this is one of my shitty art works from today :( anyways i’m feeling like i totally forget how to draw and it drives me crazy which not good and i’m tying out this new style or maybe even technic to draw when you do it by layering, which i already used when i was drawing not digitally which acril but rn in digital art i feel like i totally suck at this stuff and i just really want to learn to do it better. so for now i have goals and this whole quarantine took my motivation and power and i just want to be finally free and wish it is going to be soon because i’m literally dying which is not good yk yk

I’m broken and I can’t be fixed...

It’s Not Over

I think of you at night, and when hearses drive by Their trembling vibrato cracking over the uneven pavement Like the wavering voice of a gloomy love song I see you in those mournful processions People marching with memories round their necks A hanging noose dragging like an unheld leash Oh I think of you Your absence filling my head Like the lungs of the drowned fill with water

Don’t tell me I’m too young to get it Like the words I’m speaking are just braids of sounds Devoid of meaning Of course, they’ll never be enough to make you stay Nothing I could try would keep the feeling from going sour The loss from setting in But even if you walk, it’s not over Listen, won’t you It’s not over till I say it is And my mouth is stitched closed As in those grinding dreams where I lose all my teeth I can’t say I won’t say I choke on these same words It’s not over

Oh love, oh lover It was good once, it was pure Till I asked for too much Till I went and ruined it all with my monstrous hunger You’re right that I’m too young Just a kid who demands and takes but never gives Only pitiful tokens Noodle necklaces and cardboard flowers Finger paintings, where my touch still clings to your skin My heart on a platter Those poor childish offerings

I’m orphaned without you Orphaned and unhinged But even if you’re gone, it’s not over Listen, I beg of you It’s not over even as I’m on my knees Even as I’m half a person Small enough to fit in your shadow Perhaps you’re right Perhaps I’m too young I could cry and embrace your legs Cry like children do, When they still believe that tears Can turn on the light and make people come back

But perhaps I’m too old Perhaps I’m too tired And I can no longer rest my head on you In the curve of your shoulder Oh love, you should have come over

Inspired by Lover You Should’ve Come Over by Jeff Buckley, as requested by @samaya11 

while my mind is racing in my failed attempts of letting him go

my heart finds its peace in images of his touch

the softness of his palm, and warmness of his smile

two steps backwards due to thousands of miles in between us

but there is a thin line that i believe keeps us tightly close

a line through which my kiss will find you

and on every gloomy day i will feel your hug

Real Talk.

Alchemical substances

Cadmia, which was also called Tuttia or Tutty, was probably zinc carbonate. Philosophers’ Wool, or nix alba (white snow). Zinc oxide made by burning zinc in air. Called Zinc White and used as a pigment. White vitriol. Zinc Sulphate. Described by Basil Valentine. Made by lixiviating roasted zinc blende (zinc sulphide). Calamine. Zinc carbonate. Corrosive sublimate. Mercuric chloride. first mentioned by Geber, who prepared it  by subliming mercury, calcined green vitriol, common salt and nitre. Calomel. Mercurous chloride. Purgative, made by subliming a mixture of mercuric chloride and metallic mercury, triturated in a mortar. This was heated in a iron pot and the crust of calomel formed on the lid was ground to powder and boiled with water to remove the very poisonous mercuric chloride. Cinnabar. Mercuric sulphide. Turpeth mineral. A hydrolysed form of mercuric sulphate. Yellow crystalline powder, described by Basil Valentine. Mercurius praecipitatus. Red mercuric oxide. Described by Geber. Cinnabar or Vermillion. Mercuric sulphide. Mosaic gold. Golden-yellow glistening scales of crystalline stannic sulphide, made by heating a mixture of tin filings, sulphur and salammoniac. Tin salt. Hydrated stannous chloride. Spiritus fumans. Stannic chloride, discovered by Libavius in 1605, through distilling tin with corrosive sublimate. Butter of tin. Hydrated stannic chloride. Galena. Plumbic sulphide. Chief ore of lead. Lead fume. Lead oxide obtained from the flues at lead smelters. Massicot. Yellow powder form of lead monoxide. Litharge. Reddish-yellow crystalline form of lead monoxide, formed by fusing and powdering massicot. Minium or Red Lead. Triplumbic tetroxide. Formed by roasting litharge in air. Scarlet crystalline powder. Naples yellow, or Cassel yellow. An oxychloride of lead, made by heating litharge with sal ammoniac. Chrome yellow. Lead chromate. Sugar of Lead. Lead acetate, Made by dissolving lead oxide in vinegar. White lead. Basic carbonate of lead. Used as a pigment. Venetian White. Mixture of equal parts of white lead and barium sulphate. Dutch White. Mixture of one part of white lead to three of barium sulphate. Antimony. From latin ‘antimonium’ used by Constantinius Africanus (c. 1050) to refer to Stibnite. Glass of Antimony. Impure antimony tetroxide, obtained by roasting stibnite. Used as a yellow pigment for glass and porcelain. Butter of Antimony. White crystalline antimony trichloride. Made by Basil Valentine by distilling roasted stibnite with corrosive sublimate. Glauber later prepared it by dissolving stibnite in hot concentrated hydrochloric acid and distilling. Powder of Algaroth. A white powder of antimonious oxychloride, made by by precipitation when a solution of butter of antimony in spirit of salt is poured into water. Stibnite. Antimony trisulphide. Grey mineral ore of antimony. Wismuth. Bismuth. Pearl white. Basic nitrate of bismuth, used by Lemery as a cosmetic. Chrome green.  Chromic oxide. Chrome yellow. Lead chromate. Chrome red. Basic lead chromate. Chrome orange. Mixture of chrome yellow and chrome red. Green Vitriol. Ferrous sulphate. Rouge, Crocus, Colcothar. Red varieties of ferric oxide are formed by burning green vitriol in air. Marcasite. Mineral form of Iron disulphide. Oxidises in moist air to green vitriol. Pyrites. Mineral form of iron disulphide. Stable in air. Cobalt. Named by the copper miners of the Hartz Mountains after the evil spirits the 'kobolds’ which gave a false copper ore. Zaffre. Impure cobalt arsenate, left after roasting cobalt ore. Nickel. Named by the copper miners of Westphalia the 'kupfer-nickel’ or false copper. Copper glance. Cuprous sulphide ore. Aes cyprium. Cyprian brass or copper. Cuprite. Red cuprous oxide ore. Blue vitriol or bluestone. Cupric sulphate. Verdigris. The green substance formed by the atmospheric weathering of copper. This is a complex basic carbonate of copper. In more recent times the term 'verdigris’ is more correctly applied to copper acetate, made by the action of vinegar on copper. Resin of copper. Cuprous chloride. Made by Robert Boyle in 1664 by heating copper with corrosive sublimate. Lunar caustic, lapis infernalis. Silver nitrate. Fulminating silver. Silver nitride, very explosive when dry. Made by dissolving silver oxide in ammonia. Horn silver, argentum cornu. A glass like ore of silver chloride. Luna cornea. The soft colourless tough mass of silver chloride, made by heating horn silver till it forms a dark yellow liquid and then cooling. Described by Oswald Croll in 1608. Purple of Cassius. Made  by Andreas Cassius in 1685 by precipitating a mixture of gold, stannous and stannic chlorides, with alkali. Used for colouring glass. Fulminating gold. Made by adding ammonia to the auric hydroxide formed by precipitation by potash from metallic gold dissolved in aqua regis. Highly explosive when dry. Quicklime. Calcium oxide. Slaked lime. Calcium hydroxide. Chalk. Calcium carbonate. Gypsum. Calcium sulphate. Natron. Native sodium carbonate. Soda ash. Sodium carbonate formed by burning plants growing on the sea shore. Caustic marine alkali. Caustic soda. Sodium hydroxide. Made by adding lime to natron. Common salt. Sodium chloride. Glauber’s Salt. Sodium sulphate. Wood-ash or potash. Potassium carbonate made from the ashes of burnt wood. Caustic wood alkali. Caustic potash. Potassium hydroxide. Made by adding lime to potash. Liver of sulphur. Complex of polysulphides of potassium, made by fusing potash and sulphur. Sal Ammoniac. Ammonium Chloride. Described by Geber. Sal volatile, Spirit of Hartshorn. Volatile alkali. Ammonium carbonate made from distilling bones, horns, etc. Caustic volatile alkali. Ammonium hydroxide. Nitrum flammans. Ammonium nitrate made by Glauber. Brimstone (from German Brennstein 'burning stone’). Sulphur. Flowers of sulphur. light yellow crystalline powder, made by  distilling sulphur. Thion hudor (Zosimus refers to this as the 'divine water’ or 'the bile of the serpent’). A deep reddish-yellow liquid made by boiling flowers of sulphur with slaked lime. Milk of sulphur (lac sulphuris). White colloidal sulphur.  Geber made this by adding an acid to thion hudor. Oil of Vitriol. Sulphuric acid made by distilling green vitriol. Realgar. red ore of arsenic. Arsenic disulphide. Orpiment. Auri-pigmentum. Yellow ore of arsenic. Arsenic trisulphide. White arsenic. Arsenious oxide. Made from arsenical soot from the roasting ovens, purified by sublimation. Aqua tofani. Arsenious oxide. Extremely poisonous. Used by Paracelsus. King’s Yellow. A mixture of orpiment with white arsenic.

If only I had the balls to actually end it all

Secret alphabet. Cryptography. 1898.  Internet Archive