Hot Artists Don't Gatekeep

I counted, and this was what was in 69th place!

fuck it what's everyone's 69th song on their spotify wrapped?

I spent half the afternoon on these two patterns, you're GONNA look at them.

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye

Listening to sleigh bells other albums besides treats, and omg I regret not listening sooner. This is so good why didn’t I find this out sooner dude. Like I just finished listening to Bitter Rivals, and all the songs before it and they are sooo good brooooo. I was having a hard time deciding if I liked the new songs I was listening to recently until I decided to to this, and omg. It’s clearing my brain. I think I’ll be able to listen to the songs by other artists I like with a clear head and really figure out if I like the songs

I have so many artists I need to listen to more so I can put them all on my new mp3. I need to listen to Ayria, Night Club, The FMs, Kidneythieves, Jack Off Jill, Strawberry Switchblade, and so much more

Art I’m never gonna finish

I imagine this would be somewhat after Jayden joined. So Tomura is still immature, and they don’t like each other yet. They joined like a year before Toga, and the others. Eventually before the other members join they will become close friends :)

The last panel was going to be him saying this anyway. If I redraw this might do it with Dabi instead. But that will be in the future

Ok I finally did it. After I finished my other digital drawing I took a tiny break from art, but then forgot about this. Here ot is

Hey so I discovered your page and I noticed you got a knack for art which really impresses me and so I wanted to ask you for a sort of favor. It's a fusion between two of my favorite characters Jill from va11halla and Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls I thought it would be a fun fusion and I love both characters! But I understand if you don't want to,stay safe!

I don’t really know who that is, and I don’t take requests right now, but sure. I can look into this Jill character, and make a fusion. So you basically want me to make a character with traits from both right? I can do that. I’m currently working on something right now so this will have to be a future project, but I can post it when I am done!

Wait what??? Like I can get getting flustered if you develop a crush on the person. But can someone seriously just looking good make you flustered? That doesn’t really make sense to me. Then again neither does having a crush on someone you barely know or talk to. Like I think people are pretty, beautiful, and attractive in general, but no one is attractive enough to make my heart race. I’d have to be romantically attracted for my heart to race

WERE ANY OF YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PHYSICAL REACTION TO HOT PEOPLE??? LIKE HEARTRATE RISES AND ALL THAT. THAT’S REAL??

I drank water today :)

Prismo got Scarab’s personality but not his fashion sense oof. Love the demonios and creeper shirt though. I also had to send that minion shirt to my friend they’d love it

fanart for the personality swap au, the lawful joke au, by @chaosaliien

love makes you blind fr, prism bailed immediatedly afterwards, here some of the other fits he tried before tho (yes scrabby reacted the same way to all of them)

,,,,,also tagging @flaint and @rateater2000 bc they said they were looking forward to it 👉👈 sorry it took this long lol, some of the refs below