Vent - Blog Posts

vent post bc im tired and feel alone in this

TW; dysfunctional families, implied abuse kinda I'm not really being abused

I fucking hate being "perfect." Stupid, I know, I feel like I should be grateful.

Have you heard about golden child and scapegoat dynamics in dysfunctional households? Because me and my brother are living examples of that. I'm the golden child and I loathe it.

I have it so much better then my brother, I know. But being the golden child, I am my mother's trophy, and it's exhausting. I am a doll, not a person. A bragging right. An award. I have to always do what I'm told, be smart, achieve high things, always have to look pretty, have perfect manners, tons of impossible expectations, be the perfect little girl. Or she starts yelling. I hate it so much. I'm tired, I'm really tired. I stress myself out to be enough for her. I'm the definition of a burnt out gifted kid. Yet i feel like i'm supposed to be grateful because the one above made me smart and pretty. I can only be who I really am online, with my s/o, or with my friends. And I loathe it.

And I just feel alone. I see posts about how golden children will become the abuser and it scares me. I don't feel like anyone understands that both the golden child and the scapegoat suffer. I don't want to be my mother, I swore I'd be better. I don't want to be her. I don't know how to break this cycle.

Fuck.

Me is having an identety crisis :'D

It feels like the only thing I do is work... no time for anything else, and im tierd so very tierd.

I don't even have time to draw when I whant, and it truly sucks...

Please... im just so very tierd...

I do not even have the energy to work out... something so normal and important and not even that... I have no energy, I feels so overstimulated...

AND on top of that my depression has been kicking my ass, I truly have no idé on how to fix anything anymore...

"Would you not be upset?..."

He askt.

"Would you not be upset to watch your children die, while you keep living"

"...Again and again..."

I do not whant to be me, I feel wrong. And people tell me im wrong so the must be right...

"Damn... I died."

(im pretty new to digital art so.... Yeah)

Made this cuz my life is very confuseing at the moment...

I can't fall in love with myself, it will only hurt and I can again do nothing about it...

Good to know that my father dose not really belive that I can become an artist :)

Yeah, no my feelings were not hurt at all. It is all okay

Have you ever wondered why you keep making mistakes that you already made before but just in a different font. I know I’m loud and obnoxious and crazy and a little bit insane but I feel like I’m making the same mistakes in relationships so for over again until everything I make burns up to a pile of wax.

nothing i do, say or feel is ever truly real. It feels like me, but i know its really not and i dont know how to get rid of it. Its like my main source of problems ngl. that and people. i fucking hate people.

. what happens after heartbreak ʸᵒᵘ

ᵘˢᵉᵈ

ᵗᵒ mean so much to me .

Can we and by that I mean can trans allies stop assuming people’s transition goals please???

My trans to do list looks like 1) get hairier 2) dress like I’m in a fantasy cartoon 3) sleep in grey sweatpants and no shirt on. Enough with the fitness advice.

When something bad happens to you, you may feel you have to change as a person, you act out and make up a new personality that isn't you to cope, and sometimes you take it so far you don't even remember who you are anymore, I've been dealing with this for the longest time, but I think I've found a good way to explain the way I'm trying to connect to old me and hopefully find out who I am.

Imagine your image of yourself, the way you are is a mirror, and when the bad shit happens, the mirror slightly cracks after something like that happens. You may be like me and purposely chance your personality to deal with that and try not to be like the old you to stop the feelings. Now imagine that is just you breaking the mirror even more. After a few years of this behavior, you can't even recognize your reflection anymore because the mirror has gotten so small it's just shards. So you try to find one shard you can still see yourself in (one part of your past self you still connect to) and try to feel like that version of you again. Eventually, you will connect the bits of the mirror together again. And sure, it may not be perfect, but it's you, and you can stick the bits of mirror together anyway you want. use glue? sure, stickers? why not, tape? fuck yes, that represents the you you are now still being a part of the new you maybe some shards won't fit you anymore maybe the mirror will have a different shape but it's still you in the reflection looking back at yourself.

Once you fix the mirror and find out how to be the you you were before you pretended to be someone else again, you can try and live on and change naturally because of experiences Instead of obsessively making up personalities you're trying so hard to be hoping one day one will feel right, you can slowly, over time, change, mature, and become a different person, and that person would (hopefully) be you.

Sorry if this sounds dumb it's just an idea I use to try and find myself again, I'm still working through it, so I don't know if it works yet.

This is a vent! Go ahead if you want to read it, you don't have too.

Warning: Vent, Trauma!

Hey, everyone...I know I don't have much liked and followers, but I'm going through so much. It's hard to be the only sister in your family, if yall didn't see the post about me, it tells you everything about me.

I have five brother's, I'm the middle child. I just wanted to vent to people who I think who actually cares about me, so I don't know if yall are going to comments. It's okay if you don't want too.

What I have been dealing with is alot...I have been choked by my brother's, I have been been punched so many times. There is also one I don't want to talk about, unless if yall ask me too and I might do it.

And I'm very weak, I don't have that much friends. I'm ugly, I hate my life, I even cut myself so many times. Watched a Vtuber yesterday and I told he was very kind when I first saw him, but I got banned from his chat and he thought I left. He then said I was no fun and continued to what he was doing.

I just want someone to help me, kind to me, to notice me. But I get ignored alot, I have been going to therapy for the thing I can't tell you unless yall ask me to tell yall. I don't even go out in public that much because of how ugly I am.

And yes, I do wear glasses. And the pfp I have now is not me, it's a cosplayer.

VENT BRO

again this is a vent so you dont have to read it.

-

i think i hate my father

i dyed my hair blue because it makes me happy, my dad screams at me for "wasting money" (it was my money) and looking stupid. calling me every insult in the book.

i cut my hair short cuz i wanted to experiment, my dad screams at me again. bro snaps and tells me he's gonna burn my cosplays and lock me at home if i dont "straighten" up. i remember him screaming so loud at me that he spit in my face and hurt our dog by pushing him very aggressively off the couch.

so now i have to dye my hair back to black and deal with my dad SCREAMING at me, grabbing me, pushing me, and controlling me. i cant leave the house unless he feels like it that day. and whats worse, is my mom is SILENT.

i need to move out of this house as soon as i can, hes getting more and more controlling as i get older because his grasp on me is slipping. i dont have money to move out, idk what to do atp.

yk english literature may...actually...suck

i hate being disabled so much. i stood on the side walk across my house for half an hour because it was so hard to cross. i hate it so much i hate it so so so much

You ever look into the mirror and go ew

Cause honestly me all the time

I just see something that's not me, not ever going to be me. I know I'm never going to like that image in thr mirror until my chest is flat, I'm taller, I'm more muscular, I have facial hair, and I have a less feminine physique.

I don't think any of this is going to happen, so I don't think I'll ever like how I look.

I know everyone who ever sees me will see me as a girl. I see it in strangers when they talk to me. I see it when my family talks about me to others. I see it when friends accidentally misgender me. Like, I know they're trying, and they accept me, but it hurts to know they still unconsciously see me that way.

Idk

ooooo tô tendo crise tem 3 dias de amsiedade vpu memat

sometimes, I look at art of others who I look up to and inspire me to draw, then I ask myself “Why don’t I draw like that?” But then I see another artist who draws it differently, but in a shade of way I do, then I remember that…I don’t have to draw like everyone else. It’s my art, and if it makes me happy, that’s all that matters, doesn’t it? I should really get over this, but it takes time I guess.

TW: random rant (ventish)

Recently, I had a talk with 2 of my best friends, (R and C) and we had a detailed, serious discussion about a topic that had come up through a mutual... It did happen to be true, and I have come forward and offered my hand to help R alongside C. So, here I am, staying up all night so my sleep schedule can align with them, that way if there is an emergency, because I am the most flexible and free person, R (or C) can call me at night. C, of course, is the day time caller.

I just kinda needed to get this out of my system, R has been going through a lot of high stress lately and it is in her best interest to listen to our advice. Our other friend, S, has been ruining her closets friendships by cutting contact with everyone but family and lying about how she communicates- such as, her phone being restarted but we have seen her active on multiple social medias -and we aren't sure we can fully trust her with the new information about R's situation, but most of the cut contact was due to the current state of her sister and her new nephew.

C on the other hand, has been doing so well, her relationship is good, she is proceeding smoothly in her fighting classes, and just last night, called me as soon as she got home to tell me she was being asked to choreograph a (soon to be pitched) Disney movie with her instructor.

That alone, is big and I am so happy she will be taking part in this, as well as being featured in a future movie if Disney proceeds, but what stuck out to me was that as soon as she got home, she called ME!! She has never done that before, because normally she'd go to S, but because S has cut contact with her best friends, including C (bsf of 10 yrs) they aren't in the best terms, still, it meant so much to me that she called me out of everyone.

I am beyond proud of C for taking on this role with confidence, I am ready to stand firm beside R to offer help with the new possibilities that are being forced onto her, and I will support S in any way if she needs it while she takes care of her family.

I have offered my house as a safe space for all 3 of these people, and they know they can come to me for anything, relationship wise, comfort wise or just to hang out. I really truly hope I never lose these girls.

Y'all ever have one of those 9/11 to 50 shades of gray butterfly effect days? Like where one little thing ruins your entire day in two hours 💀 like I love my family and friends but I may become a felon if they don't start acting civilized.

I was going to keep away from all the Nevermore drama originally, however somethings new had just come to my awareness, and i just cant anymore Cw: very aggravating texts

This is my friend/source asking the person(who was under Red's interrogation) for their Dm's with Red.

The purple one is my friend, the blue and yellow censors is the person giving us the information.

Here are the Dm's: again, cw: for aggravating texts

Not only pressuring an obvious child here, Red-- you have the audacity to ask why they think they have "control in the conversation?" and should you "pardon their attitude?" If feels so egotistical, that you're on a constant authority high.

This and the time you shut down anyone who asked about the situation of those who were banned for apparently no reason other than being a suspected alt-- Your aggression and foremost, above all apparently, sassy attitude to a group who you're(I assume) aware are minors, is downright just gross. If i would be so frank, it feels majorly like an ego stunt than anything else.

This display of witch-hunt-- the blatant disregard to this child's mental safety here, and their just panicky responses. Why ask in the first place if all you're going to do is force your assumptions on this kid? Playing "bad cop" is and will never be the correct reaction when it comes to trying to figure out an uncertain situation(even with how you sound so sure, you still came to ask).

And honestly, I am even more enraged by the fact just a few days prior about the Crimson's Unbanning argument you chastised the discord audience about "witch hunting," despite acknowledging you know less than those actually included(who have spoken out, and whom were subsequently banned. Such as .milo, a victim of Crimson) (not saying I am for witch-hunting)

All I have to say, Red, is personally I find the more I learn of you, the more I grow a certain distaste of you. I really wish i had a semblance of hope that really, truly wasn't you. But hells, with how much I've seen from you...

and the poor kid. All because of some paid-for art(that most definitely is on Pinterest)

@gothwineaunts

Hii!!

HI CUTIE HOW ARE YOU <33

small update!!

𝜗𝜚 my aunt is getting me piano lessons!!

𝜗𝜚 im cleaning my room more often!

𝜗𝜚 my algebra teacher is giving me assistance with my homework (reminder that im in 8th grade :3)

𝜗𝜚 my friends and i are making plans!!

changing myself for the better!🤍

gonna try to change, because my life is going down and I can’t sink to the floor.

personal changes!! 🤍

𝜗𝜚 learn fluent french

𝜗𝜚 learn piano

𝜗𝜚 clean room once a week again (used to be a neat freak)

𝜗𝜚 apply for a basic job (just to get out the house and get money)

𝜗𝜚 finding a better outlet for emotions

𝜗𝜚 create a secret food stash

𝜗𝜚 become engrossed with books again

𝜗𝜚 find better hobbies

𝜗𝜚 learn how to tango/ salsa (or a form of dance in general, I have 2 left feet)

academic changes!! 📚

𝜗𝜚 study from 12-4 (on weekends)

𝜗𝜚 get a tutor (for math)

𝜗𝜚 complete 3 short response questions for application + apply for program

physical changes!! 🍵🧘🏽‍♀️

𝜗𝜚 go to gym from 10-12 (weekends)

𝜗𝜚 work out at home

𝜗𝜚 purchase skincare

𝜗𝜚 purchase clothes

𝜗𝜚 purchase books/makeup

if anyone has tips on how to achieve any please let me know!

i go into high school this year and i just want to be the best version of myself 🤍

i’ll come back to this in 2026, or I’ll add updates 😋😋

time to glow up or grow up

one step at a time!

dripping in diamonds and depression :3

need someone to get rid of the depression 🍵

I just looked at my phone and started crying

GIRL IN RED MENTIONED??

i dont wanna be ur friend i wanna kiss ur lips :((((