Curate, connect, and discover
nothing i do, say or feel is ever truly real. It feels like me, but i know its really not and i dont know how to get rid of it. Its like my main source of problems ngl. that and people. i fucking hate people.
I actually hate how my aunts talk about autism not because I think they are wrong in any way but just because it makes me feel useless.
My aunt always talks about the “quirky” part of autism (I know that isn’t the right word but I can’t think of anything else)
Like once my aunt was saying her wanting her wedding day on one of a couple days she had in mind was because of autism but in reality she just likes numbers that sound good
Or they are talking about crochet and knitting and how executive dysfunction makes it hard but executive dysfunction means I can’t get out of bed in the morning and can’t eat food at all some days.
It’s so hard knowing that my mom doesn’t believe me and she sees me everyday and I actively don’t mask but she believes that my aunt has autism and only sees her at most once a week and my aunt shows a lot less “signs” then I do at home
I don’t know if this is a shitty thing to post so if it is please tell me
I hate:
How often I need to go to therapy
How my mom treats my mental health
How my mom reacts to my choice to set boundaries
How my mom reacts to my plan in the future
The fact that my mom doesn’t like me having in person friends because she needs to drive me
The fact that even my best friends mom sees my moms flaws
The fact that I can’t do what I’m supposed to for my age but my mom refuses to get me diagnosed with ASD so I don’t have any conformation
The fact that the only person who treats me like I’m enough is my best friend
My English teacher
That one bitch in all my classes
All the stupid things my mom yells at me for
The fact that my mom said “I worry about you but I worry about how much you’re missing school for this” in response to me explain that my therapist wants me to go back next week
In conclusion: I am burnt out and can’t distinguish emotions except being angry and missing my best friend. Everything else feels muted and hopeless
How do you cope with not being able to do your sport anymore?
I made it through Christmas and only cried once!!!!!
Now I will lie in bed and look at my gifts and use every gift I can immediately.
Anyone want to hear about the stuff I got? /hj
I need someone to kiss me but I swear to god the thought of someone kissing me makes me feel sick.
Like, what?
How do I need to be kissed but also the thought repulses me
I need to kiss someone but also magically make it so I can’t be kissed back but not in a rejection way
I need someone to kiss me but without the kiss
Like wtf does my brain want right now?
Am I going insane?
Is this a neurodivergent thing? An aromantic thing? An ace spectrum thing?
WTF IS THIS?!?!?!?
I have basically mastered being neurodivergent.
Anxiety ?
Use Cold water and wash my hair
Overwhelmed ?
Use Cold water and wash my hair
Sad ?
Use Cold water and wash my hair
Lots of emotions all too strong ?
Use Cold water and wash my hair
When your routine changes and it makes you feel physically sick because anxiety and neurodivergency and your mom says “just because your routine changes doesn’t mean you can stay home”
This is the same person that doesn’t think I have autism
How can you acknowledge that routine ruins my day but not think I have autism?
I am currently crocheting my teddy bear a Halloween costume to match me and my best friend
I forgot my headphones at house 1 and I’m at house 2 with no headphones!!!!!!
How shall I be mysterious without them (I don’t want to be perceived at all)?!?!?! How shall I make all the library goers fall in love with me and without them (I’m aro ace)?!?!?!? How shall I block out noise (I am currently sensory seeking and want loud noises)?!?!?! How shall I listen to the front bottoms (this one applies)?!?!?!?
(My parents aren’t divorced I just live with my aunt right now)
I hate when I realize I don’t know how to do something but I’m too old to ask. Like, I didn’t know I had to wash my sheets till a couple months ago
I don’t know how to make an outfit
I don’t know how to do laundry (I kinda just guess)
On that point I also don’t know how to fold laundry ( I just kinda guess on that one as well)
I don’t even know what else I don’t know because I don’t know it!?!?!?!?
School sucks
It’s Tuesday and so far this week:
Someone had to leave class to puke in my block one class yesterday so of course I had a panic attack (#emetophobia)
I worked myself to death so I could finish mh project for social studies just for him to extende the due date because of 1 group
Math is killing me. I just do not understand one concept and I haven’t had a chance to ask my teacher yet but of course my brain is telling me I’m stupid and should be in the lowest level of math
Physics kind of makes sense but I can’t stand it because that’s different then it should be because I’m bad at physics so I don’t like that it’s different
My plan changed yesterday because I thought I had therapy yesterday but it’s today so I had to change my whole plan for the week
I was late to math yesterday and I didn’t mean to
The hallways are loud and I can’t stand it but I keep forgetting my headphones in my locker
The cafeteria smells like food. It is bad
My mom keeps yelling at me for taking a nap after school. I try not to but if I don’t I can’t do homework
I feel like I’m in a constant state of almost shutting down
⬆️Same thing with not being able to talk
There’s only a week left till a HUGE change which is causing me to only think about that change and not my schoolwork
I have a change in my schedule today as well which I dreading
My mom hasn’t bought the snacks I like so I’m grasping for straws for my lunch
I still don’t know how to regulate myself at school or in general and it’s causing me to freak out
My bus driver plays really loud music
My favourite podcast changed the picture that shows on Spotify and I’m going to go FUCKING. Insane!!!!
Edit: I still can’t listen to it
Going back to school sucks.
Everyone is much further ahead than me.
All my school friends can drive and I’m even a couple months older than them but I can’t drive. I don’t want to drive because it isn’t something I want to focuse on.
I could probably get my liscence but I don’t have a car in comfy driving. I don’t enjoy driving. But my mother and dad are always on my ass. I can’t even take my test. My dad’s truck isn’t reliable to take a test in and my mom’s car has a huge crack in the windshield.
Why would I spend money and get my parents to spend money so I can get my drivers when I have NO WHERE TO FUCKING GO.
And then there’s the whole problem with me not being able to function.
My mom wants me to get another job because I only get 12 hours on my pay stub but I can hardly handle that.
I can’t function at the same level as my peers and no one understands that
I told my therapist that I feels like my support needs are getting more and more. She basically told me that im just doing to much so they show up more.
That is not what’s happening. Last year I could handle going to work after school and doing therapy and hanging out with people.
Over a three month period now I can’t go to work without shutting down and I’m not going to school because of summer. Therapy takes everything out of me and I can only hang out with my one friend for more than 30 minutes at a time.
I’m doing less and I need more help. It makes no sense
And now I have a week to go back to school and everyone else in my grade is able to function normally and balance school and personal life and have a bunch of friends and drive and make time for themselves and work. And they can do that all with no help.
But when I tell my mom and dad that I don’t want to get my liscence because I zone out a lot when I’m alone, or when I throw a fit because something isn’t the way I like it, my parents say that I’m over reacting or I’m being lazy
My fucking mom just said that me needing the right notebooks for school is the same as me using HER plastic bags.
I need the right notebooks so I actually take notes and don’t shut down and have a panic attack every time I go to school because, whether or not she wants to admit it, I am probably autistic and definitely neurodivergent.
She doesn’t want me to use her bags because she bought them.
Latest list of why I can’t sleep
- too overwhelmed about getting a present from bestie
-weighted blanket is too heavy and not heavy enough at the same time
-Decided I didn’t want to take my sleeping meds because I want to wake up early tomorrow
-my fish are upstairs
- I’m hungry
-I’m thirsty
- I realized I’ll have to eat and drink tomorrow and it’s icky
I’m starting to realize I don’t actually dislike touch, I dislike that I can’t immediately stop being touched. Like I’m ok with hugs, but as soon as I’m done with hugs I need to be let go.
Does anyone have suggestions for items that feel like you are being swaddled. My current go to is to tuck myself in with my weighted blanket but it isn’t enough pressure. Any Recommendations?
I have a lanyard that I always wear outside the house and sometimes in the house. On it I have mg tangle, slug and this star thing. What should I add to it?
Y’all, what’s your favourite part of vacation. Mine is the pre vacation were I get to plan EVERYTHING
The fact that I’m not diagnosed with autism fucking sucks. Like, many people have told me they think I have autism, including my therapist but because my mother will not even put me on the wait list for a diagnosis I won’t know for at least two years if I am autistic (probably more then two years). All because my mom doesn’t believe I’m autistic.
All because she doesn’t understand, I don’t get the support I need. The closest I get to feeing validated is my best friend saying that she is there for me and that she believes me. This is hard.
I need help to function properly but no one will help me. I can’t do so many things that people my age should be able to. I can’t get my license because I’m too scared to drive alone because I zone out a lot and don’t think I could process everything. But my dad keeps pressing me to get it.
I can’t do everything all the time. I am supposed to swim for 2 hours four days a week but I can’t do that. I have to lie to my mom and tell her I’m sick so I can stay home because she doesn’t let me take mental health days ever.
I can’t have a social life because I can’t hang out with anyone for more then 30 minutes except my QPP.
I don’t understand social situations so when I try to understand and make a mistake people get mad at me.
I need help with taking care of myself because it’s to much for me to do alone but my mom isn’t willing to help.
My mom refuses to keep my comfort foods in the house because I “eat them to fast”
No one believes me when I tell them my problems. At school it’s because I have good grades. My mom doesn’t believe me because I “ function well.”
I’m always tired because I have to mask so often around my family so they don’t say I’m faking it
And worst of all is that despite all of that and more, I might not even be autistic. If I’m not autistic what’s wrong with me?
I JUST BOUGHF MY FIRST PAIR OF NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES. OMG THEY ARE AMAZING.
I got the same ones as bestie and they are amazing
PSA: if something helps you to function, other people have zero right to make fun off you.
If bringing a teddy bear with you help you to cope, bring it with you
If you watch shows that are “meant for children” because they comfort you, then keep on watching them because other people don’t have a say
This PSA is brought to you by present Fae and meant for future Fae
That feeling when you need new fidget toys but don’t know what to get because nothing that you have ever had has helped :(
Do any other neurodivergent people get VERY attached to how peples names are in their phone.
For example I had my bestie, @grey-loves-dragons name in my phone as aer name then in brackets the word work, because I met them at work. I recently changed it to bestie with some emojis and now I can't ajust and look through all my contacts trying to find their contact and then I get upset when I remeber I changed it and that now its different.