I Have Done So Much Research And I Have A Theory That Women With Autism/adhd/bipolar + Trauma = A Bpd

BPD culture is crying your eyes out at 1am because you can't understand why it feels like everyone around you hates you or why you feel like a terrible person even though everyone around you says you aren't.

.

“It’s never too late to start over again and to be happy.”

— Anurag Prakash Ray

I have a part who’s only line of communication is to say “I love you”. Its often accompanied by a feeling of comfort and warmth. Usually they use the body to say this when we are alone at home. Very rarely will they speak within the mind and its usually if someone is panicking and speaking with the body is unavailable. I really adore this part and the self love they bring to the system.

Leaf

I will recognize you in total darkness, were you mute and deaf. I will recognize you in another lifetime entirely, in different bodies, different times and I will love you in all of this, until the very last star in the sky burnt out into oblivion.

— Achilles

concept: a room with no communication to the outside world. no one looks for you. you spend the days thinking of things to do, and dabbling in those things, and passing the time in the calm that is finally being free of social obligation.

So what I learned about myself by researching these topics about abuse, collected from experts and therapists who work with complex trauma patients:

Betrayal Trauma is the name of what I went through in my household

Scapegoats are often betrayed by parents and I fit the scapegoat role

Scapegoats are often “truth tellers” and fight the family narrative

Scapegoats can be betrayed by one family member OR they can be betrayed by the whole family in which the family narrative is “we are all okay and right, and you (the scapegoat) is the crazy/wrong one.”

Scapegoats often have DARVO used against them (when the abusers in the family call the scapegoat the abuser, and the real abusers/parents call themselves the victims)

Scapegoat may feel betrayed, rejected, shamed, become a people pleaser, overly forgiving, may avoid relationships and end up isolating yourself from others

Some become dependent on the abusive family as an adult, slow to get ahead in life

Toxic shame is not just feeling ashamed, but YOU ARE shame (not really true, your brain lies to you). You think You Are Shame walking around on 2 legs. (How I feel and doing my research I understand it’s the trauma brain talking but I genuinely believe the lies). “I feel humiliated when I speak in front of others” “I feel humiliated for existing and taking space”

You could have had a fight response, challenge the abusers distorted, twisted view of reality. It causes exhaustion from challenging the family false narrative growing up. You may identify with being the “fighter.”

Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville explains adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) are impacted by Betrayal Trauma. She also explains the consequences of being rejected, shamed, and blamed by the people who were supposed to love and care for you the most.

Dr. Erin Watson’s article: The Duel Layers of Betrayal Trauma for Survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse.

As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.

Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.

The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.

I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.

I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.

As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.

95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'

I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.

That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.

There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.

My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.

Borderline patients can't win.

And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.

BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.

Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.

And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.

I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.

Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.

Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.

To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.

I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.

I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.

You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.

Borderline people I'm sorry.

Healing & Emotional Work Masterlist✨

these are all individual posts that I have written about my own journey with healing from an abusive childhood✨

Resources & Coping Skills✨

How To Find The Right Therapist For You

How To Stay Organized & Make Your Appointments Through Dissociation Fogs

Recognizing Abuse: Emotional Takeovers 

Recognizing Abuse: Parentification

Recognizing Abuse: Triangulation

Redefining respect after abuse

How to recognize when you need to set a boundary

Sexual boundaries & things to know before getting into a relationship

Love vs obsession

Coping with overwhelming feelings, flashbacks, & memories 

Healthy Coping Skills & Activities for Releasing Anger & Other Negative Emotions 

Understanding grounding & dissociation on a deeper level

how to actually feel ur feelings 

how to tolerate being alone with your thoughts

when showering & hygiene is too hard

how to set better goals

What the heck is emotional work?✨

Healthier ways to communicate

The root of all healing work (tldr it's ur childhood 🎉)

Attachment theory healing (codependency, enmeshment, & BPD FP attachment)

Attachment & abandonment wounds (BPD FP)

In order to heal you must grieve

What is "inner child healing"?

How to be kinder with yourself

Unlearn what they taught you

Reframe your anger

Reframe the process of moving on

Focus on what you can control

Affirmations & things you need to hear (just trust me)✨

affirmations for reclaiming your voice around authority figures

affirmations for RSD

affirmations for feeling ur feelings

affirmations for healing codependency & attachment (BPD FP)

things I wish I knew before I started healing

things your inner child needs to hear

you are normal

slow down and take a deep breath

you can move now. you are safe.

yes it was that bad

you need to hear this (trust me)

How to start healing? Start with the truth✨

the very first hard reality you need to face 

the second hard reality that's gonna hit you like a train 

the third and worst hard reality there is

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Looking forward to updating the list as we grow 🪴

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸