If This Song Doesn’t Give You Mad Mammon Vibes, I Don’t Know What To Tell You, Except To Ask, How

Anybody who lives in the Southern US probably has seen those Chick Tracts, the comics you find left in gas station bathrooms and liquor stores that tell you how Dungeons and Dragons/Catholics/Muslims/THE GAYS are secretly demonic forces that want to send you to hell forever.

I would pay an unholy amount of money for Jack Chick to return to life, learn that there are people playing a game about dating Lucifer himself, draw a cartoon pamphlet about how evil this all is, and die again of a rage-induced brain bleed.

Then I would use it to make a paper-mache statue of Asmo touching himself.

Or, like, some paper roses, whatever.

So I saw a video on YouTube recently where it was a DIY paper rose. I think it was 5 min crafts but don't quote me on that (I didn't click the video).

But BUT

It got me thinking about an MC who's mad at one of the OM brothers. But of course they still love said brother. Which leads to this:

MC: I made you a paper rose

Brother: Oh, thank y-

MC: It's made out of Bible Paper

Or, alternatively:

MC: It's made out of a pamphlet I got from a church telling me how to rid myself of demons

Lucifer is Jumin Han, but with the superior pet species, and that’s why I love him.

Who doesn’t love a guy who loves dogs? Lucifer with a puppy Cerberus anyone? Yes? Yes.

Fellow old people will recognize the demon brothers as the sexy counterparts to Elaine Benes.

I said what I said.

If you ever wonder why you can't win a dance battle

It may be because these fuckers can't dance for shit

I’ll join you! We are gonna throw down like we are ho-testants on trashy reality TV

MADDI MEET ME @ THE DENNYS PARKING LOT! YOU'RE 'BOUT TO CATCH THESE HANDS 👐👐👐😤

Y’all like pickle chicken? I’ll give y’all pickle chicken. AutomaticTastemakerTheorist’s homemade Nashville hot chicken:

You’ll need a pound of chicken (I buy the tenderloins, but breast works too, just cut it into strips). Marinate in pickle juice and a dash of hot sauce for a couple hours.

Make your dunkin’ juice: 2 cups buttermilk, 3 eggs, pickle juice to taste (start with a couple tbsp), Crystal hot sauce to taste (I use like half a bottle, because I like it hot), and a pinch of salt and pepper.

Dunk your chicken like its name is Lebowski and it owes you money. Roll it in flour. Dunk it again. Roll in flour again. Let it sit for about 15 minutes.

Fry it up - I use an air fryer, but vegetable oil on the stove works too.

Make your sauce: 6 tbsp cayenne pepper, 2 tbsp brown sugar, 1 tsp garlic salt, 1 tsp chili powder, 1 tsp paprika, mixed up in about half a cup of olive oil.

Toss the fried chicken in the sauce. Serve on Wonderbread with pickle slices. 

Use your leftover dunkin’ juice and flour to fry up some sliced okra. Your tastebuds will thank you. Your arteries, not so much.

Yes, Chick-fil-A’s Foundation Still Donates to Anti-LGBTQ Causes

Plus, Utah’s pickle-based dessert, and other news to start your day

Memo To The Media: Chick-fil-A Condemns, Discriminates, And Campaigns Against LGBT People

https://thinkprogress.org/memo-to-the-media-chick-fil-a-condemns-discriminates-and-campaigns-against-lgbt-people-3e2dbb7b8056/

Fuck them for sure.

Second only to Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. I was delightfully traumatized by such art as:

This is one of my favorite childhood stories.

They didn’t specify positive qualities lol, time to use self deprecating humor that makes everyone uncomfortable!

Someone: "What are your qualities?"

Me: o_O

Me: "Y'all have these?"

Beel: who's on dinner duty tonight?

Satan: that would be mammon.

Satan: he should be here right about-

Mammon, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table: GUESS WHAT WE'RE HAVING FOR DINNER

Reminds me of the time I met a guy who got stopped by the police with a car full of baby alligators.

(which were illegal, but less so than the trunk full of meth)

Beel: It’s not illegal

Police officer staring into Beel’s car trunk which is full of bread: it’s just... there’s so much-

Beel: but it’s not illegal, is it

Police officer:

Oh hey this is me IRL.

MysMe and OM MC in a nutshell

MC: Am I about to make a terrible decision? Yes.

MC: Will I regret said decision? Probably.

MC: Am I still gonna do it? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, I am.

MC: Because I'm an idiot!