Боль.

Боль.

Я люблю причинять себе боль. Не душевную, а физическую. Порез, ещё один, красный ручеёк, больше похожий на дорожку на стекле от капельки дождя. Красивая красная ленточка, помогающая на время перевязать столь сильно кровоточащие раны в сердце, забыть на время о том, что в душе появляется все больше места - больше пустоты… 

Каждый шрамик напоминает мне о том, что было больно. Каждый новый порез не дает мне сойти с ума от того,что меня разрывает изнутри. Это давящее чувство на грудную клетку, ты задыхаешься, пытаешься сдержаться, в твоей голове крики, твое внутреннее я бьется головой об стену, разбивая лоб в кровь вновь и вновь. Ему больно, я должна ему помочь, поэтому я открываю первый ящик своей тумбочки, достаю заветную коробочку, открываю ее и достаю лекарство. Тонкое, обязательно острое.

Единственная моя комната спасения - ванная. Там я могу делать все что захочу. Включаю воду, забираюсь в ванну, горячая вода обжигает кожу, но это приятно, боли еще меньше чувствуется. 

Резать надо там, где никто не увидит, иначе будут лишние вопросы. Внутренняя сторона бедра, а если руки, то до туда, до куда доходит рукав. Можно живот, туда тоже мало кто смотрит. Надрез, боль, как будто сквозь этот участок проходит тончайшее пламя. Ручеек, спасительная красная ленточка. Это даже возбуждает.

Ты смотришь и думаешь, а зачем ты это делаешь? Боль временно отрезвляет тебя, внутреннее я спасено - оно уже не разбивает голову, не раздирает грудь, просто стоит и смотрит на тебя вопросительно. Ты видишь этот взгляд в отражении, недоумение и боль. Еще надрез, во взгляде осталось недоумение и злость. За что ты себя так, ради них? 

Еще пара надрезов и все, во взгляде обида и спокойствие. Обида на себя саму, на то, какую ты глупость совершаешь. Спокойствие от того, что ты не рвешь себя изнутри.

Но ты понимаешь, что ты будешь делать это ещё, сделаешь это не один раз. Потому что это твое лекарство.

Лекарство - боль.

More Posts from Ayumi12 and Others

2 months ago

this is canon and its amazing

This Is Canon And Its Amazing
8 years ago

Никогда не жалей себя. Себя жалеют только ничтожества.

Харуки Мураками (via mylife-margarita)

2 months ago

I wanted to touch briefly on a comparison I’ve seen making the rounds sometimes, between Saitama and Reigen talking to their respective pupils.

image
image

The debate here is often regarding who’s in the right. Is it ok to run away, or should you always try to face the danger?

Well, the problem is that to water the argument down to this is to miss the point of these two moments entirely. Saitama isn’t saying it’s not ok to run away. He’s saying it is a hero’s duty to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Reigen is saying that Mob *isn’t* the hero, and he doesn’t have to be. It’s not his duty to shoulder the burden and sacrifice himself for the sake of others when it would only cause him harm.

These are two ideas that can and should coexist. In one way or another we’re all the “heroes” Saitama mentions; there’s always going to be problems we have to solve, situations we have to manage because no one else will, because it is for the betterment and safety of ourselves and others. If we run away from those responsibilities, there is no one else who can clean up for us.

But on the other hand, there are issues that aren’t ours to fix. You may find yourself in a situation where you don’t want to be, where trying to fix the problem can make it worse, where unnecessary pressure is being put on you to shield everyone else at your own expense. And in those instances, it’s better to walk away.

Not everything that’s expected of you is your job to handle, and not every problem you come across can be walked away from. As human beings we need to be flexible, come into every situation with the knowledge that there is a choice to be made on whether this is something that needs our attention, or if it’s something that isn’t our burden to bear.

***(Editing this with the addendum because I think its really important for people to see)*** Edit:

I just wanted to add something to this because a lot of people have been mentioning it in the reblogs.

Mob is indeed a child. None of this responsibility is his.

But Genos is not a completely different story. He’s only 19 years old. Certainly old enough to do things for himself and to be taking on some responsibility, but not old enough to take the whole world on his shoulders like he’s trying to. There are older, more experienced heroes who should be there for these grand battles. All too often we cheer when Genos steps in to fight the big bad, whether it be the Deep Sea King, Garou, Centichoro, whoever. But consider the fact that he isn’t the only S-Class in existence. He’s not the only person whose job it is to protect the general populous from these monstrous beings, he’s just the only one who bothers to step up and do it.

In a weird way, Reigen’s message applies to him too. Not in the sense that he should run away, but in the sense that it’s not solely his responsibility. It’s pretty obvious that Genos suffers a lot from this idea that he has to be there no matter what, or he’s not growing as a person, not being a good disciple. There’s potential for this to change into a healthier mentality, but for the moment, Genos is constantly throwing himself into dangerous situations and barely making it out alive. What Saitama is telling him isn’t meant *only* for him. It’s a testament to the times they live in, a nod to the fact that high level heroes pick and choose what emergencies they want to respond to instead of always being there to save the day, the way you would expect. The thing is that neither of these approaches is really the right one. Genos throwing himself into harms way all the time isn’t necessarily heroic as much as it it self destructive, but it’s his only option when everyone else has decided not to show up at all. In the reality that they face, where threats to humanity are so constant, it’s not possible for a single person to be a true embodiment of a hero, because it’s not a world that can be saved alone. Genos needs help. He needs other heroes to realize what it means to actually be heroes, and to step up as well to face the danger.

I want to reiterate that both Saitama and Reigen’s messages are universal and coexist. Some things are problems that you have to step up and handle, somethings aren’t solely your problem, or even your problem at all. Some situations aren’t Mob’s problem, some things only he can handle. Some things are up to Genos to fix, others he won’t be able to do alone, because it’s the responsibility of other heroes to stand by him for the sake of humanity. It’s not about age, because no matter how old you are, it’s important to keep this  in mind.

6 years ago
I Have No Memories Of Making This Gif

I have no memories of making this gif

8 years ago

Руки жутко замерзают, но перчатки доставать совсем не хочется. И кожанку жалко убирать. Не люблю я это приближение зимы.

А еще мне сейчас, как никогда, не хватает объятий. Но не простых таких, знаете, а сложных. Когда не просто утыкаешься человеку в плечо, а тебе хочется зарыться в него как можно глубже, хочется в нем застрять в этом плече и остаться минут на 10-15, а может и подольше. Лучше, если подольше.

Кажется, что мне не хватило этого тепла в детстве. Дети и не любят особо обниматься, вырываются. И я не любила. Как бы смешно не звучало, мне казалось, что если меня обнимают чуть дольше 10 секунд, то все подумают будто я маленькая. А ведь я была и останусь для особенных мне людей маленькая! Только почему-то это осознание приходит поздно. Всегда рвалась стать самостоятельной, хотела быстрее повзрослеть. И мне позволили. Только зачем?…

8 years ago

Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it hurt when I did.

Licht (via incorrectservamp)

3 years ago
I Don’t Know If Its Going To Be A Live Action Movie Or Maybe An Special, But This Part Of  The Trailer
I Don’t Know If Its Going To Be A Live Action Movie Or Maybe An Special, But This Part Of  The Trailer

I don’t know if its going to be a live action movie or maybe an special, but this part of  the trailer represent them perfectly.

I swear I love oso- but I love his pain even more

7 years ago

Choromatsu: We really should date. We have a lot in common, you know?

Choromatsu: We both like fish, we both want to succeed-

Totoko: I hate you.

Choromatsu: *gleefully* We both hate me, yes!! See?! We’re practically meant for each other!

4 months ago
Mp100 Manga Spoilers

mp100 manga spoilers

i see barely any talk here about how reigen was like lowkey suicidal a bit there at the end

and really, at some other parts of the story too, always nonchalantly putting himself in such great danger

i just............ T_T T_T T_T big time

hey anyone out there come join me in Crying and Feeling Heartache for our favorite dad

hcnfbdjscnjdhdjshd

3 months ago

I’ve always felt like something about the end of the Reigen Manga felt familiar and well I came to the realization

Reigen wondering into the woods to die alone after losing losing everything he had left because what he did that he thought was right was wrong while carrying the burden of dozens of spirits he meant to carry to save someone he cared about was really...

I’ve Always Felt Like Something About The End Of The Reigen Manga Felt Familiar And Well I Came To
I’ve Always Felt Like Something About The End Of The Reigen Manga Felt Familiar And Well I Came To

Oh

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