WHEN CANCER MUGGLES TRY TO SAY HOW YOURE ONE OF GODS BRAVEST SOLDIERS

Some days are much harder than others.

I remember what I have been through. And what challenges its left me with. And how much it sucks.

But then I remeber how I survived cancer. How there were moments close to death.

And the survivor's guilt sets in.

I don't know why I'm here today, or why a disease that took so many of my friends let me live.

I want to live everyday remembering my good friends, what their laughs sounded like, how strong they were until the very last moments. Strength I will never know.

Its hard to explain if you haven't been alongside the kids getting that chemo yourself. Knowing what it feels like and still seeing that they smile through it. That they play, and they hold their moms or dads hand as they walk the halls of a children's hospital because they can't leave its safe walls to the outside world.

I know its hard to see it as an outsider. But my heart aches when I think about how their lives have been changed forever. They don't know how strong they really were when they wiped tears off their parents face and said 'don't cry mommy/daddy/parent, I'm going to be okay.' and don't even shed a tear. They just go back to playing.

I forget sometimes what it felt like. The mental game it played. When you think you are going to die. During treatment you think about how life might look like if you dont make it. Because you really dont know if you will make it. You start to pick up on things you never used to. And cherish moments that normally would pass you by given different circumstances.

And when the thought of dying is gone. And the chemo is over. And the check ups are months apart. You forget about those little moments you enjoyed and lived because the danger is gone.

These moments get stirred up everytime I hear about a friend who relapsed. Or a friend of a friend who earned their wings. And it hurts. Because its so hard for people to actually know how it feels. Sure you will mourn the loss. You will be sad for a while. But as a survivor you feel so horrible that they didn't make it. It weighs over you and you would give anything to fix it. Children, kids, Young human beings who didn't even get the chance to see 1st grade, or play in a sandbox, or do their first terry fox run at school. Or ride a bike. Have their first field trip. Go swimming in a public pool. The list is so long.

Or teenagers who didn't get to go to their first school dance. Their first kiss, first speech in middle/high school. Who didn't get to try home economics. Who will never make it to their gradation, or prom, or get their license.

This journey haunts me. And when things feel normal I am vividly reminded that it will never be over. And that everyday another child is diagnosed with cancer. And I wonder if the scales will tip in their favor. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was some simple way to just eradicate cancer entirely. So no child ever has to go through it all as I have. Or as many before me or after me have.

I hope I walk a path that my cancer angels are proud of. And that I can honor them to the fullest of their souls and smiles.

You deserve so much better my angels. I love you ❤ Your memory lives on, and as I walk on this earth your stories will not be silenced. And your strength will never be forgotten.

What is your least favorite saying people say/said to you through your diagnosis or treatment?

from this ask polly

This was definitely the case during treatment. I always felt like I was comforting others more than they were comforting me.

Yeah I’m okay but like in a “if someone hugged me for too long I would start crying” kind of way

You got this buddy

“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

— Unknown

Well, almost 6 weeks have gone by since my surgery date and I'm in less pain. But after 6 weeks of not being allowed to bend my knees at all are put any pressure I fear that the worst is yet to come in relevance to pain.

Next week going for X-rays. So it's going to determine if the surgery helped or if it was all for naught. What physio will look like.

My goal is to be walking by Christmas. Fi gets very much crossed.

Quick story about me.

I had Acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

I was diagnosed in March 2018. And was treated until July of 2020. It was a long road and with a lot of complications and ups and downs.

This page is dedicated to people who don't feel comfortable talking about their cancer journey, and that is okay.

But I'll be sharing memes, my own story, and things that I have found out along the way.

Things like cancer are funny, because people think you're some sort of hero. And that's what is the most scary. You are afraid to let everyone down. And it's horrible.

My family was toxic. Made me feel bad for the debt we went into because my treatments weren't where we lived so we had to travel.

My sister made me feel guilty for not talking to her much, because she couldn't be with me. And she blamed me. When all I could do all day was try not to throw up, go to I appointments and do my best to sleep because it was far and few between.

Family can be toxic. And a lot of the time, they don't understand just how hard it was for you. But stay strong. Or tell them off. Because you, are the one facing that monster that is chemo or radiation or transplant. Or in the bad cases, your own mortality.

They don't know how it is. They won't ever know until they go through it. Hopefully they never have to.

So proud of my mother for doing her own research after I sent her that meme. A sign she hung in her car window.

August 20th i got a double knee surgery to fix osteo necrosis caused by chemo.

The fun never ends for your local cancer patient.

Definitely what I called mine 😂😂 going to make it into a pendant.