You Got This Buddy

Some days are much harder than others.

I remember what I have been through. And what challenges its left me with. And how much it sucks.

But then I remeber how I survived cancer. How there were moments close to death.

And the survivor's guilt sets in.

I don't know why I'm here today, or why a disease that took so many of my friends let me live.

I want to live everyday remembering my good friends, what their laughs sounded like, how strong they were until the very last moments. Strength I will never know.

Its hard to explain if you haven't been alongside the kids getting that chemo yourself. Knowing what it feels like and still seeing that they smile through it. That they play, and they hold their moms or dads hand as they walk the halls of a children's hospital because they can't leave its safe walls to the outside world.

I know its hard to see it as an outsider. But my heart aches when I think about how their lives have been changed forever. They don't know how strong they really were when they wiped tears off their parents face and said 'don't cry mommy/daddy/parent, I'm going to be okay.' and don't even shed a tear. They just go back to playing.

I forget sometimes what it felt like. The mental game it played. When you think you are going to die. During treatment you think about how life might look like if you dont make it. Because you really dont know if you will make it. You start to pick up on things you never used to. And cherish moments that normally would pass you by given different circumstances.

And when the thought of dying is gone. And the chemo is over. And the check ups are months apart. You forget about those little moments you enjoyed and lived because the danger is gone.

These moments get stirred up everytime I hear about a friend who relapsed. Or a friend of a friend who earned their wings. And it hurts. Because its so hard for people to actually know how it feels. Sure you will mourn the loss. You will be sad for a while. But as a survivor you feel so horrible that they didn't make it. It weighs over you and you would give anything to fix it. Children, kids, Young human beings who didn't even get the chance to see 1st grade, or play in a sandbox, or do their first terry fox run at school. Or ride a bike. Have their first field trip. Go swimming in a public pool. The list is so long.

Or teenagers who didn't get to go to their first school dance. Their first kiss, first speech in middle/high school. Who didn't get to try home economics. Who will never make it to their gradation, or prom, or get their license.

This journey haunts me. And when things feel normal I am vividly reminded that it will never be over. And that everyday another child is diagnosed with cancer. And I wonder if the scales will tip in their favor. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was some simple way to just eradicate cancer entirely. So no child ever has to go through it all as I have. Or as many before me or after me have.

I hope I walk a path that my cancer angels are proud of. And that I can honor them to the fullest of their souls and smiles.

You deserve so much better my angels. I love you ❤ Your memory lives on, and as I walk on this earth your stories will not be silenced. And your strength will never be forgotten.

So proud of my mother for doing her own research after I sent her that meme. A sign she hung in her car window.

Reading one of my favorite authors books this quote was one of my favorite because i related to it so deeply. Especially through a cancer diagnosis and treatment.

"When we tell those stories to people in chronic pain, or those with incurable illness, we often end up minimizing their experience. We end up expressing our doubt in the face if their certainty, which only compounds the extent to which pain separates the person experiencing it from the wider social order. The challenge and responsibility of personhood, it seems to me, is to recognize personhood in others - to listen to others pain and take it seriously, even when you yourself cannot feel it. The capacity for listening, i think, really does separate human life from the quasi-life of an enterovirus."

-John Green

'The Anthropocene Reviewed

August 20th i got a double knee surgery to fix osteo necrosis caused by chemo.

The fun never ends for your local cancer patient.

WHEN CANCER MUGGLES TRY TO SAY HOW YOURE ONE OF GODS BRAVEST SOLDIERS

Definitely what I called mine 😂😂 going to make it into a pendant.

Bro. All to true.

from this ask polly

This was definitely the case during treatment. I always felt like I was comforting others more than they were comforting me.

Yeah I’m okay but like in a “if someone hugged me for too long I would start crying” kind of way

August 20th i got a double knee surgery to fix osteo necrosis caused by chemo.

The fun never ends for your local cancer patient.