I Am DeAD

A Ravenclaw is a kind of person who reads in trams to avoid people communicating with him

"Being bisexual can mean that you have twice as much chances to find love, or twice as much chances to get your heart broken"

A very lonely bisexual

I've already had this fanfic-y sort of relationship where we both had had crushes on each other for a long time before we confessed our feelings but in hindsight that relationship was hollow as shit. It was all about the aesthetic of loving someone instead of actually knowing and loving your partner for what they are. It didn't help that it was an online relationship, too. So I both want and do not want to experience a romcom-like relationship again, because even though it's fun at first, reality always kicks in eventually. It's like recording a video of popping a christmas cracker and making it look all fancy and pretty, but then still having to sweep up the confetti afterwards

All the romantic dramas I've watched in the past month have poisoned my brain and deluded me into thinking that I too have a chance at a genuine romantic relationship full of angst but also comfort and mutual pining which is as far from reality as possible and I am not okay

I find it really telling that the ones who are actually boyfriends are the ones who have the least compatibility, while the ones with the lower status have the most.

Like, Top and Mew don’t even like each other as people. Just an idea. Top likes the IDEA of Mew. And Mew likes the IDEA of Top. But Mew keeps insisting Top be someone he’s not and then Top keeps lying about who he is and then Mew believes that lie. Their whole relationship is a performance. They are the two characters with the least personal chemistry (not sexual chemistry. But it’s also like they’re deliberately putting the breaks on that too since Mew is reading more and more Demi/aspec to me)

Then we have the one step down to the Friends with Benefits, Boston and Nick, who are a lot more compatible but also create façades to a lesser degree. Boston reminds me of a cheaper knockoff version of the Nevertheless kdrama guy. He keeps telling Nick he isn’t interested in something more while also peppering him in domestic pecks and sniff kisses while giving pet names and cuddles and words of encouragement similar to one’s spouses give. Like Boston wants the freedom of no strings attached just for HIM, but needs Nick to feel smitten and in love and devoted for his own ego. So he plays boyfriend anytime he feels Nick slipping away while never allowing the label to stick. Meanwhile, Nick is literally surveilling him. They’re more aware of each others true selves, but they also perform.

And the one with the lowest status, Ray and Sand as just ‘bed friends/one night stand’, are the ones who have the most authentic relationship out of all of them. There are almost no lies between them. And they don’t dole out affection as a way to manipulate the other into thinking they are someone or feel someway they are not. They give affection because they want to. They don’t give affection when they don’t. They’ve seen the worst sides so they don’t pretend that they don’t exist.

And I don’t know. I just think it’s neat!

unfortunately i havent had enough experience in romance yet so i cant full-heartedly jam to "the only heartbreaker"

Level of madness:

I got "Bad guy" stuck in my head but instead of Billie's voice it's a dog barking in tune

People wearing plain t-shirts to special occasions is my kink

Entering your Productive™ phase for exactly 24 minutes a day, if you miss it, you're screwed

Adding 3848037 new books to your list, never finishing any

Getting interested in something and then dropping it 2 hours later

Trying to organize a study group with your friends but your meetings turn into heated discussions about the futility of getting a degree

Putting off your hw to the next morning on the condition that you wake up earlier - you never do

Modern chaotic academia things:

(think dark academia minus the grace)

Coffee and cigarettes for breakfast

That hazy, grey sky, empty city feeling you only get when you're unwilling awake at 5:30 am

Being pulled aside by your teacher cos the last paper assignment you handed in smelt of weed

TEA AND COFFEE STAINS EVERYWHERE

Hurriedly doing your homework/coursework that's due in 30 minutes on the train to school

Experimenting with strange sleep patterns to see if it helps you study

Spending more time taking dark academia aesthetic photos than actually working on said academia

It is impossible to work without a podcast or lofi hip hop in the background

Or without listening to the accompaniment music to your favourite musical theatre songs

Buying and stockpiling ultra sour/spicy food to keep you awake

Being able to locate your nearest bizzaar shop with frightening accuracy and making after-school trips there

Believing more in your good luck charms and crystals than your actual ability for exams

W H I S K E Y

Memorising strange Latin phrases solely because they sound thought provoking when translated

Hyperfocusing on work at 1 am

Commuting around the city with either electronic or rock music BLARING in your headphones but listening to quiet podcasts when you're alone in your room

Blowing off your studies to go out with friends but taking a book because you feel guilty

An OBSESSION with succulents

Please stop buying succulents

Trying to rock the 'office chic blouse/dress shirt with black tie' look but it ends up looking so crumpled you ressemble an actual office worker at the end of their shift

Changing the settings on your phone to try and immerse yourself in your new language, failing spectacularly and having no idea how to change it back

The above but when your keyboard settings start glitching and your texts are punctuated by nonsense from another languらたの、

Every book you own has creased pages, most of which are your doing

Going on midnight walks to clear your mind but you're instead worried you're gonna get stabbed on said walk

Memeing with teachers to the point your relationship with them feels awkward and skewed

You are the mother of at least 50 smaller school children and you know about all their problems

And my favourite:

Procrastinating by learning how to elegantly draw a curve in calculus instead of doing your calculus homework

Feel free to continue the list - I'll come back and add more if I think of any new ones.

Only God can judge you.

I am being so serious when I tell y’all that I say “I fucking love this show” out loud multiple times throughout each new episode of riverdale

Exactly my thoughts like 2 hours ago

all i want to do is embroider and listen to audiobooks, but NO i must do calculus