Here And Now

Selfish

For every set of hands joined together, i lose a thread in the sweater of my soul

 I wish it was me. 

I don't want to wait. 

Though it seems selfish

I just want to be seen.

To be held.

To be loved.

Selfish.

She held you didn’t she?

Why can’t I?

I know why. 

I have let myself go.

Every breath puts me farther away.

I want what everyone else seems to have.

Is that so selfish?

To want what is guaranteed for so many?

I think so.

Thoughts

Life is so boring rn and my poems are not slaying so I might start writing fanfiction.

GPA

Every single test

Every Single quiz

Every single report card

I didn’t do it for me

I did it for you

I did it because it was all you ever talked about

It was all you ever valued

It's all you ever saw in anyone else

I thought that if the numbers were high enough

I thought that if I got close enough to four point oh

You would love me

You would see me

You would finally hold me

But you did not

You don't

And you never will

It was all for nothing. 

I have wasted it all

And now i am gone

in the pilot jackie teases shauna abt her “catholic phase” and to that shauna responds that she liked the saints bc she thought they were “so tragic”. in the last ep of s1 during their fight the first insult shauna calls jackie is tragic. she calls her other things too but its so intresting that the first thing she thinks of is tragic. to me thats like a freudian slip. jackie was shaunas saint.

Old friend

I am so glad you are back

That you weren't gone for too long. 

But I know it hurts.

The decision you made was hard, and I feel as though I don’t deserve it. 

I don’t deserve to be the reason you chose to be happy. 

The reason you chose to leave her. 

It feels nice, I suppose. 

Like coming home. 

Like wrapping myself in an old quilt.

But it also feels like exactly what it is. 

Coming back to an old friend.  

GUYS I AM COOKING I FEAR-

SO. IVE SAID BEFORE. THAT WE NEED HUNGER BY FLORENCE & THE MACHINE IN YELLOWJACKETS. We've already had Free & Dream girl Evil, AND Just a Girl. So. Yellowjackets is no stranger to her music. Anyways, I was listening to the song. Thinking again about how it should totally be in the soundtrack. And I'm listening to the Lyrics "the way you use your body baby come on and work it for me" and I thought awww TaiVan coded-

And then I remembered. That Van is totally gonna die and the end of the season. So allow me to set the scene. Van dies, of whatever cause it may be. And as suspected by many, Tai will cannibalise her. Duh. This is Yellowjackets. But hear me out- Hunger is playing in the background. Its cutting between teen TaiVan probably making out or something. And then to Tai cannibalising Van. Kinda like the banquet scene- IT WOULD BE INSANE- and thats the cliffhanger of the season. Because like, we all know that the adult timeline is totally gonna resort to cannibalism. 100%. We love to see character regression. BUT IMAGINE THAT- WE SEE TEEN TAIVAN BEING ALL SWEET, ADULT TAI CANNIBALISING VAN, AND THAT SONG PLAYING. ABOUT LOVE AND HUNGER AND DESPERATION AND DEVOTION- YELLOWJACKETS PLEASE 🙏🙏

the little things

Sometimes, when I feel the way I do, I like to think about the little things. 

The little things that make life worth living. 

(at least for a while)

Like the way blushes grow on human cheeks. 

Little things like the sound that can be only heard when rain and laughter marry. 

Like lighting a candle while you start a new book. 

The perfect little notification you waited all day for. 

The way making someone else laugh sits on your chest for a while. 

The way blades of grass fit neatly between your toes

The completion of a simple task. 

The sound a dog’s collar makes as it walks. 

(it's the little things)

It's the tiniest of things too. 

The three-feet-distance between the desks of two friends.

That one freckles that girl you barely speak to anymore, but still makes you laugh. 

The glitter in someone’s eye that just never leaves.

The smallest possible paper crane that you made in class last Tuesday. 

(it's the little things)

It's also the big things. 

Like the first kiss you had that really mattered. 

Like the letter you never thought you’d get.

Knowing that she’s okay, even if you aren’t. Not anymore. 

It’s the realization that you understand. Even though it's a bit too late

But most of all it's the little things.

Journal Page #3

My dream life