“stop Traumadumping To Your Friends Tell This To Your Therapist” My God They Paywalled Human Connection

here and now

Here and now I stand still.

Wind bends around my cheeks.

The earth is still yet somehow I move at a million miles an hour.

(yet my feet never leave the place they are rooted )

Life is frozen in time, yet everyone I know is fifteen years into the future.

My life is groundhog’s day, except that i can't get out. 

Trust me, I've tried.

Air doesn't fill my lungs the same way anymore.

Have I overstayed my welcome?

Where do I belong?

Who do I have?

I have nobody.

I trust nobody, yet I love so many.

I think that there are people who say they love me out of pity.

I miss having someone I could call and spill my tainted blood to.

All the lies I've told.

All of the thoughts that have fought their way from the pits of my stomach to my lips.

Poisoned by my own voice

Betrayed by my own truth.

A cycle of apology and transgression.

Here and now, I come to a close.

Haiku #2

prince turns to pauper in the the dying sun's arms for all else is lost

I can almost hear her say that

her loud ass is always screaming 🙄🙄

If we were villains

Just finished if we were villains and let me just say, oh my goddddd!!!! I literally almost burst into tears at the ending. The way the characters were portrayed was amazing and every single one of the journeys they went on as humans was so touching and approachable. I have no words to describe how this book made me feel.

Joan Baez performing I Never Will Marry, c. 1958

Selfish

For every set of hands joined together, i lose a thread in the sweater of my soul

 I wish it was me. 

I don't want to wait. 

Though it seems selfish

I just want to be seen.

To be held.

To be loved.

Selfish.

She held you didn’t she?

Why can’t I?

I know why. 

I have let myself go.

Every breath puts me farther away.

I want what everyone else seems to have.

Is that so selfish?

To want what is guaranteed for so many?

I think so.

Haiku #1

Your hand is in mine  My heart beating close to yours  You, who made me love

To create

I have been itching to create something,

to have my fingers covered in bright paint.

I just want to make something worth loving.

Bright colored art to make life seem less quaint,

dull tones to assure you, it will be alright.

Paintings big enough to cover a wall.

Five sculptures, all worth being basked in light.

Too much art to fill just a single hall

I want to cover canvas with dark ink.

To make something that evokes emotion

With shadows and highlights that make you think.

Maybe it will be a dark, vast ocean.

All I can say is that until I do, 

I must settle and cherish the sky’s blue

GPA

Every single test

Every Single quiz

Every single report card

I didn’t do it for me

I did it for you

I did it because it was all you ever talked about

It was all you ever valued

It's all you ever saw in anyone else

I thought that if the numbers were high enough

I thought that if I got close enough to four point oh

You would love me

You would see me

You would finally hold me

But you did not

You don't

And you never will

It was all for nothing. 

I have wasted it all

And now i am gone