The Duality Of Man

The Definitive* Waist Ranking of the 2025 Grid

*not definitive at all but this did take literal hours of my life

Back markers:

Gabriel Bortoleto

The rookies are at a disadvantage because of the lack of photos, but everything about what I could find suggests this man was drawn with right angles only. Also, highly cursed image ahead, this is your only warning.

Pierre Gasly

Shaped like a Lego brick. Too many abs, not enough waist. Note the presence of an actual waist chasing him down. Nil point.

Isack Hadjar

This is again more for lack of evidence - the racing suit definitely wants me to think there's a nipped in waist there, but other shots leave me thinking he's real solid.

George Russell

Another victim of abs for days. This hurts me as much as it hurts you. The flare of hips is not enough to save him.

Oliver Bearman

Probably my first controversial ranking, but not the last. I know, you picture him and there's a tiny grabbable waist, right? Miniscule. But it's a lie perpetuated by his ridiculous Superman-shaped shoulders. I fear as he bulks up for a full time drive, we're going to lose what little waist we have.

Midfield

Nico Hulkenberg

Could use a little more dad in the dad bod, you know? Not a lot of curve, but a smidge of something to hold onto, keeping him clear of the back markers

Liam Lawson

Go girl, give us nothing! I think maybe, maybe, you could squeeze past him and tuck your palm to the slight suggestion of a curve there, but why would you? To be fair, he's suffering from comparisons to teammates past and present.

Fernando Alonso

We remember what we once had, and are gladdened by it. But those days are lost, under the shadow of night, as if they never were. Exceptional evidence of what once was provided by @lights-out-away-we-go

Lewis Hamilton

Lewis Hamilton is another case where the shoulders are doing a lot of work creating the illusion of a waist, and then slim hips are dispelling that. He does not have a very grabbable waist. This does not matter, because Lewis Hamilton could wear a sack and still draw the eye.

Lance Stroll

This one surprised me. I really thought the exceptional arse on this man would push him high up into the points. But... eh. It's fine? Probably better in the middle of the winter break when he softens up a bit.

Lando Norris

Initially a strong contender, but I actually think it's the grey panels of the fireproofs doing all the work here. Excellent illusion, but grabbable? Not particularly

Carlos Sainz

From the back, exceptional. From the front, almost nothing. This is baffling to me and scientists everywhere.

Alex Albon

I'm putting Alex in the points because even though I can't find good photographical evidence of the waist, I believe it is there. It's my Loch Ness Monster. Alex Albon has a grabbable waist and you won't convince me otherwise

Esteban Ocon

Now, this noodle does have a waist, but it's not the most grabbable. He's also getting an hourglass bonus from marginally wider hips and a decent bust (more on that advantage later). But that waist looks very solid, probably feels like pinching marble, no give. He is at least outscoring Pierre.

Kimi Antonelli

We unfortunately have strong evidence of Kimi's grababilty. This should be illegal. Until the FIA clarifies the regulations, though, he's high in the points.

My L’manburg

I heard there was a special place

Where men could go and emancipate

The brutality

And tyranny

Of their rulers

I like my men smart

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(Source)

pookie.

The photos are out now on Twitter and Instagram have some exclusives

my brain is forever scarred

one of the most beautiful and emotional things I've ever seen about Tim 🥹❤️

thanks to @tchalametcutie on IG