Batman, Dividing Everyone Up For Patrol- Jason, You're With Steph, Damian, You're Coming With Me, Dick,

Batfamily Headcanons:

Tim loves exploring abandoned “haunted” places like hospitals and asylums. The kid grew up travelling Gotham at night to take pictures of the superhero version of Freddy Krueger. This kid digs spooky places.

Jason likes the most problematic media out of all them and has gotten into fights over it. He’s into literature, you can’t read 5 classic novels in a row without finding out one of them was a racist or wifebeater or something. He is completely numb to it and Dick hates it. 

Damian pretends to hate Pokemon for ethical reasons but secretly has invested 300 hours into Sword and Shield. He plays so much fetch with his Pokemon. 

Everyone hates watching investigation shows with Cass cause she can tell by body language which actor is playing the killer. She has ruined Murder She Wrote for Alfred and part of him thinks he will never forgive her.

Duke is a menace to the Justice League. He absolutely has accidentally flexed on every single one of them. “Oh, sorry Wonder Woman, I just assumed you could speak Italian, cause you know…Rome is in Italy?” “So they’re ‘hardened light constructs’ but can’t actually light up a dark room? Dang Hal, that sucks man.’” Bruce loves this. 

Dick absolutely has a lifetime band from every theme park he has ever been to. He handstands on the spin-and-get-stuck-to-walls-ride. He leaps out of the rollercoaster seat to land back in it during every loop. The only roller coaster he is ever allowed to ride is the ladybug one at Smallville’s town fair Uncle Clark takes him to.

Now that Jon is an adult Damian actively keeps him away from his family because the thought of Tim and Jon dating has woken Damian up in a cold sweat.

Whenever they go to iHop they expect Steph to get the crazy waffles with like marshmallows or sprinkles or something. But she doesn’t. She gets the whole grain waffles. The kind with oats. No one can tell if she’s punking them or not (she absolutely is, and orders a quinoa omelette to sell the act).

Bette still hangs out with the Titans on occassion and the younger Bats literally don’t know who she is. “Yeah back when I was Batgirl I–” and Damian does a spittake and Cass asks Bette for advice (that she absolutely doesn’t need cause she has surpassed Bette in every skill but it makes Bette smile so its worth it).

Dick and Jason find out Barbara went one 1 (one) date with Roy like 4 years ago and spend weeks preparing separate powerpoints on why that is not allowed. 

Jason polices Alfred’s eating. Everyone thinks Alfred eats healthy all the time but every once in a while he’ll snack on something with just a little too much fiber and Jason will pull him aside and be like “You know what Leslie said Alfred, berries aren’t good for your bowels” and Alfred will blush and hand over the berries with a pout (which Jason will then eat himself).

Bruce cannot keep focused enough to cook, this is a known fact. However, he can stay on task enough to make soaps. Dick threatened to tell the Justice League, but Bruce threatened to take back that Salt & Pepper scented soap that Dick loves and Dick folded (Dick loves it because it just so happens to smell like Bruce’s cologne the night he picked him up at the circus (Bruce pretends not to know that’s why)).

Damian cannot draw cartoony or anime-y styles whatsoever. Duke asks him to teach him how to draw Naruto and Damian just can’t and it hurts him that there is something he is bad at. 

Barbara uses her wheelchair in daily life not because she can’t walk but because it hurts to walk. When she offers to take Steph’s patrol once, Steph is stoked, but when she sees Barbara cringe in pain the next morning she spends two hours crying and gives Barbara lunch in bed for the next three weeks.

John Constantine isn’t allowed within Gotham’s walls, especially near Damian, Duke, Tim, or Steph. Bruce knows without a doubt that Constantine does not give enough of a shit to protect his kids if push comes to shove, so that man is banned from all missions involving his kids. 

Zatanna is about halfway between Bruce and Dick, and one day she lets it slip she’s slept with them both and it sends Bruce into anaphylactic shock. Dick never forgives her.

During a Hero community football game Hal slaps Tim’s ass after a touchdown not even thinking it might be awkward or uncomfortable and Jason tackles him into the center of the Earth on the next play.

Because Tim has had a hero crush on every Bat ever and still kind of does, whenever Dick or Jason or Barbara tease Bette by saying “who are you again” Tim goes into a 45 minute long tirade on why they should respect the first Batgirl. Even Bette finds it weird.

Damian draws fake tattoos on the other kids hands at recess.

Sometimes people think that Batman’s presence is what keeps primarily not-gotham villians out of Gotham but really its Catwoman cause once a group of Luthor’s hitmen came into Gotham and were found with absolutely brutal claw wounds and everyone in the supervillian community got the message loud and clear. 

Alred and Wonder Woman are such stubborn personalities with similar morals and motives, that they actually butt heads when Diana is in the cave and good fucking god is it scary.

For Cass’s birthday Barbara and Tim manage to rope Lady fucking Shiva to coming and Cass is genuinely touched, but Dick and Jason had no fucking clue their best friend/little brother knew the world’s deadliest hand to hand fighter what the fuck. Damian takes to Shiva instantly and spars with her every other Saturday and she and Talia begin having “parent teacher conferences” over Damian’s growth. Bruce is absolutely terrified of them as a team.

The bats completely convince Guy Gardner that they’re all metas and that their superpower is literally “Super Competence.”

During a sex-pollen fight with Ivy, several Justice Leaguers are hit and everyone seems to have gotten with their partner and Bruce isn’t worried until he finds out that Dick offered to help one of them for a night because their partner was off world. When Oliver walks down to Wayne Manor’s breakfast the next morning Bruce almost fires him.

Tim has not so secretly recreated Dick, Jason, and Barbara’s old attires and cosplays them on Tiktok. He knows this is a dangerous game. Barbara will only be blind for so long. The adrenaline is worth the risk.

I’m also anti-pit madness! What’s your reason? I’m not a fan of it because it isn’t canon and I find it triggering because it’s often used as an excuse for characters *cough cough* Jason *cough cough* to behave abusively without any repercussions.

for the me it's mainly because it takes away the character's agency and accountability.

all the bad things they did, the change/development of their character - whoosh! explained away by "oh they were being strongly influenced / they were temporarily insane & out of control it wasn't their fault <3". it reduces the situation/events/character to a mindset where it simply couldn't be helped.

like no!!! they were in control!!! they made those decisions!!! they're the way they are now not because of the pit, but because they've gone through life events and come out changed!!!

to get specific with Jason (bc we all know that's who this is about):

Jason becoming a crimelord, killing lots of people, and nearly killing his family was FULLY premeditated. Jason is wicked smart. you better believe he thought that shit out down to the letter before acting.

was he incredibly angry? yeah. was his character suddenly drastically different than who he was when he died? yeah. BECAUSE HE DIED AND CAME BACK, THEN LIVED FIVE WHOLE YEARS AWAY FROM GOTHAM. OF COURSE HE'S FUCKED UP. HE'S NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME AGAIN AND THAT'S THE POINT.

'pit madness' completely takes away the impact of that. and even if pit madness was canon, you're telling me that in those five years of training and travel etc he STILL had zero control over it? c'mon.

i'm just... i hate it when fucked up events and actions are "fixed" by a borderline deus ex machina like pit madness. not only does it put everyone else in a bad position and often forces them into a corner of guilt "we should have known, i'm sorry we didn't see it, we still love you, no no you don't need to apologize we get it" - it takes the pit-dipped character and makes them kinda pathetic, honestly.

suddenly, despite their development (please note that development does Not equal positive growth), they're backtracking right to where they started. they have to grovel for forgiveness. they've got that "ough im unforgivable, im out of control, it would be better if i stayed away even though i wish i could go home" self pity

and again talking about jason specifically: whenever i read a fic where all he wants is to go home but thinks he can't, i roll my eyes. if he wanted to 'go home', he'd be having tea with Alfred every sunday. Bruce and the others would not be able to stop him. he would not give up his guns for fuckin ANYONE, and especially not Bruce.

and would you look at that - most fics i read where he's given up his guns also has pit madness. and guess what - in those, he gives up his guns because of the pit madness, because it, say it with me, ~made him kill people~.

actions have consequences. people change, often in an unpleasant direction. pit madness spits in the face of that and i hate it.

Jason: Kid we need you to-

Jason:

Jason: Are you making Sims of the entire family?

Damian: Yes, I'm also going to recreate Wayne Manor to house them all. Do you want to join me?

Jason: Scooch over I have an idea for one of Dick's outfits

Damian thinks Mari can't understand arabic (au)

Damian : "Good morning habib albi." "Have you eat ya hayati?" "I'm so glad I meet you ya amar..."

Marinette : *Trying so hard to hide her blush* "Yes..."

Arguing about who is Damian's favorite brother

Jason: Dickhead doesn't count! He's basically the brat's second dad!

Damian: Actually I already have a method in place to determine which one of you wastes of space is my favorite if I'm asked.

Jason: Oh? Don't keep us in suspense then.

Damian: It's simple really. Whoever has the highest kill count at the time is my alleged favorite.

Jason: HA! Suck it losers!

Dick: No fair! I killed the Joker!

Jason: What?

Damian: And while I would normally count that as at least 10, since Father revived him-

Jason: WHAT!?

Damian: Todd, we cannot stop to explain all of the family drama everytime you find yourself out of the loop. You will simply have to unblock us and rejoin the group chat.

Tim: Yeah Jason, get your family updates like the rest of us

Damian: As I was saying, since the Joker isn't dead despite your best efforts, I've decided that your count is at 5.

Jason: So I'm your favorite?

Damian: No. Your confirmed kills are between 20-40. Unfortunately, Drake is my favorite since his confirmed kill count is in the low hundreds.

Dick: I'm sorry. Can someone please explain how my Baby Bird has a kill count at all

Tim, trying to escape through the vents: YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ASSHOLE!!!

Damian: You swore that you didn't touch my Taj Mahal Lego set. I guess we're both liars

So I love the fics of the Batfam finding out Jason is alive and has been alive for a while through the mosy random circumstances, but what if he got got back to Gotham a bit saner and decided to just... see how long it took his family to notice him?

Like food goes missing from the kitchen and Alfred can't figure it out for the life of him until he catches Jason raiding the fridge at two am.

Tim sees Jason sneaking around the manor and just assumes he's hallucinating again.

Bruce notices things around the cave have been moved or are missing and scolds Dick and Tim, who keep denying it was them.

Jason: My life has become a never-ending game of "Illegal or Just Frowned Upon?"

The chaos really happens when night falls and they need to sleep.

Damian, standing on the only twin bed in the room: I will get the bed.

Jason: Like Hell! You're small enough to be sleeping in the fucking sink. I will be getting the bed.

Dick: I think two people can have the bed.

Damian and Jason: NO!

*Tim, too tired for this, kicks off his shoes and gets comfortable on the small kitchen counter using the paper towel roll as a pillow. He is asleep within seconds*

Dick: well if you both won't share, then I'll take the bed.

Jason: That's not fair!

Damian: You can't do that!

Dick: I am the oldest, I get to do whatever I want!

The ensuing pillow fight was vicious and would have taken the bedside lamp as a casualty if Duke wasn't there to save it. Duke, like Tim, is tired and sees the bathroom tub for the option that it is. He uses the chaos to grab a pillow from the bed and lock the bathroom door. Duke took the bedside lamp with him.

With the Girls:

Barbra: I get the right side.

Cass: left.

Stephanie, debating if getting squished in the middle is worth still sleeping on the bed: I want a pillow.

Okay so i hate that the batkids are rich purely because they dont have those classic siblings experiences. So here is me putting them in those horrible situations.

*the batkids are in a hotel room with only one bathroom*

Jason: DICKHEAD get the fuck out or im gonna piss in your suitcase!

Dick, over the sound of water: I'm taking a SHOWER

Tim: AND? Hurry it up assman, I gotta brush my teeth!

Damian: I hope you all eat shit and die. I've been waiting longer than all of you.

Meanwhile, in the girls room:

Steph, barging into the bathroom: i gotta take my makeup off and brush my teeth. Deal with it.

Babs, in the bathtub: i dont even know why i try to lock the door at this point.

Cass, slipping in to use the sink: making instant mac n cheese. None for you guys.

Steph: bitch.

Cass: whore :)

“Tim Drake is a horrible cook”

“Tim Drake couldn’t take care of himself to save his life”

Timothy “Practically raised himself alone with a housekeeper that came around with dinner once or twice a week” Drake would be a brilliant cook, but all the food he makes would be chaotic as fuck.

Jason is the one who can bake indulgent treats with extra cream and sugar in nice little shapes, and Alfred is the one who can whip up a lobster chowder, but Tim is the one who would be able to look in a pantry with the most eclectic, useless ingredients that have been out of date for decades and know how to make them palatable.

(CW from here on out: food insecurity, starvation, child neglect, early Damian being pre-deassholeification Damian)

Little nine year old Timmy would look in the pantry and find an expired jar of caviar, a handful of pine nuts, exotic spices that his parents brought home but never used because they weren’t around enough to use them, half a stick of butter and a chunk of lettuce (expensive ingredients, sure, but not the right ones to keep a child fed and nourished) and make an eccentric, if edible kind of salad with a spicy, salty sauce with a nutty twist and passable texture.

Timmy would have nothing but a handful of chicken bones that he’d managed to swipe before Mrs Mac threw the food waste in the bin, the spices mentioned earlier, two spoonfuls of sour cream, hoisin sauce, and salami and he’d still manage to make a broth that would feed him for the next week because Mrs Mac only came with dinner twice a week and it would be at least another month before his parents came home from whatever country they were digging into this time. And his food wouldn’t be the most substantial, but it wasn’t like anyone was giving him packs of fresh meat or bread anyway, and nobody was home to check whether or not he was eating properly.

Mrs Mac would act coy when she saw him sneaking his vegetables off his plate, but Tim wasn’t doing it to avoid eating broccoli, he was doing it so he would have something to eat tomorrow. He’d have school lunches to buy, but other than that, what he could make was all he had.

Alfred would notice, at first, that Tim would be a very good wartime cook, before questioning why, and then giving him “leftovers” to take home with him after patrol. Just in case.

And when he moved into the manor, everyone was so confused as to why he was allowed in the kitchen with the kind of things he creates, but nobody is willing to question Alfred’s judgement, so they leave him be. Damian kept trying to poison him but failing because he would use the most outlandish, stupid ingredients and half the ones he tended to use were nonperishable and therefore sealed. He’d also smuggle a lot of expired food into a separate pantry so Alfred wouldn’t throw it out, and Jason would probably be the only one to see anything wrong with it aside from Tim being Tim.

So, yeah. Angst, anyone?

❀。• *₊°。 ❀° 。。° ❀ 。° ₊ * •。❀

𝙷𝚊𝚗𝚊𝚑𝚊𝚔𝚒 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜

❀。• *₊°。 ❀° 。。° ❀ 。° ₊ * •。❀

Calendar drawn and made by @the-coffee-fandom inspired and encouraged by the wonderful @boldlyanxious

Welcome to the first Hanahaki calendar event! Hosted in the month known for its showers bringing flowers; May!

A week dedicated to a popular troupe, Hanahaki Disease, which came along in 2008, August 9th. It is a fictional disease in which a character coughs flowers which grow inside them from unrequited love.

How you use the prompts is up to your own creative interpretation! You can use the quotes, flowers, word, or all of them! Do one day, the entire week, do a poem, a masterful piece of art, drabbles and incorrect quotes, or even just a quick doodle. Have fun with it!

Need inspiration? Don’t feel like researching flowers? Flower symbolism has been premade! Just click here to view!

While created with the Maribat fandom in mind, any fandom may use it. But I do hope to see some of my Maribat fans!

Tags for Tumblr:

#Hanahaki Hours 2023 #Hanahaki Hours

Tags for Ao3:

Hanahaki Hours 2023 Hanahaki Hours

Ao3 Collection:

https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HanahakiMay

Tag @the-coffee-fandom and reblog for others to see too! I will reblog any I’m tagged in as well.

Please feel free to reach out to @the-coffee-fandom however you’d like if you have any questions! Especially if you need more information on flowers.

Written out prompts below the cut!

May 7:

Quote: “Everything is temporary, this was merely one of those things.”

Flower: Hyacinth

Word: Wither

May 8:

Quote: “I never thought I’d be the one to hurt you.”

Flower: Butterfly Weed

Word: Acceptance

May 9:

Quote: “Why do you hate me?”

Flower: Lily

Word: Dose

May 10:

Quote: “You know I’m always right here for you, right?”

Flower: Cyclamen

Word: Excuse

May 11:

Quote: “They don’t love me, they’re not that stupid.”

Flower: Lily of the Valley

Word: Term

May 12:

Quote: “I don’t care if you don’t want my help, I’ll do it anyway.”

Flower: Rhododendron

Word: Courage

May 13:

Quote: “Lie to me then.”

Flower: Rose

Word: Cover

Substitutes:

Quote 1: “I’m not going to cry, it isn’t worth crying over.”

Quote 2: “How much of that did you hear?”

Flower 1: Petunia

Flower 2: Begonia

Word 1: Smoke

Word 2: Clear