“And He Left You Sick When You Loved Him The Most.”

Yearning for a sign that will never come

I have seen very few movies that are able to display grief so despairingly accurate, and as beautifully as Aftersun. And the most incredible part, is that all of the emotions and experiences the movie centers around remain unspoken, yet are blindingly prominent. After doing a google search or two, I discovered that Aftersun was based on the director, Charlotte Wells’ life, and that allowed me to see this movie in a different light; especially considering her father passed when she was sixteen, and I lost my father at fifteen.

While the movie never makes it explicitly clear what happens to Calum at the end, we can assume the vacation with Sofie was the last time she saw her father. Especially considering the ending, with the song “Under Pressure” playing in background while Sofie and Calum dance. I would also like to point out that towards the end of the dance, David Bowie’s part comes to an end with the lyrics, “this is our last dance” repeating while the scene fades out. While we don’t see anything explicitly sinister on screen, there are persistent undertones of dread and melancholy, as well as innocence and nostalgia.

This movie is nothing short of heartbreaking, yet it is also remarkably beautiful. The cinematography captures the world through the eyes of a child perfectly, and every single shot is so thought out and human. Because of how intimate the cinematography is, it feels like the audience is in Sofie’s memories as well. I love how this movie walks you through the dynamic of Sofie and Calum’s relationship not only emotionally, but visually as well. Despite Calum’s mistakes, his love for his daughter never needed to be questioned. Though, we can infer that Calum feels guilty for Sofie’s emotional turmoil. In the scene where Sofie is laying on the bed describing what sounds like symptoms of depression, she asks Calum if he feels the same way, the camera returns to the bathroom where we then see Calum spit in the mirror. That scene reminded me of my own father, and the subtle nod to Calum’s guilt was absolutely incredible. Not to mention both actors, Paul Mescal and Frankie Corio were nothing short of incredible. Their performance felt so incredibly real.

Aftersun felt like a dream in the best and worst ways possible. An unspoken longing for the past, and the persistent grief and depression that follows. This movie genuinely holds such a special place in my heart. Absolutely magnificent.

I feel like the way I look causes people to take me less seriously

“There’s a special place in my heart for the ones who were with me at my lowest and still loved me when I wasn’t very loveable.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

Wish I could post about something happier but unfortunately my mind is riddled with The Memories

i'm so tired of having to survive and never being afforded the privilege of living. i'm tired of people feeling bad for me. i'm tired of taking up so much goddamn space. i'm tired of my body. i'm tired of the endless grief. i'm tired of the persistent emptiness. and i'm tired of being stuck in the past.

The only thing keeping me motivated to finish my finals is the promise of a sweet, passionate kiss between me and my Peach Dreams dispo after the fact

i feel everything that’s wrong with me

It’s so over dude

15 January, 1926 The Letters of Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf (1924-1941)