countthefighters

Latest Posts by countthefighters

thinking...

my dearest friends,

i see the way you choke down your tears when someone asks about you. i see the way your jaw locks when simple words are reminders of things you wish you could forget. i see the way you quiet down when you have something too heavy to speak of. i see the way the tension manifests in fleeting glances, buried heads, and hurried words. i see the ways in which what has happened has followed you.

i’m sorry that it’s like this. i’m sorry i couldn’t have known you sooner. i’m sorry we couldn’t play groundies on the playground during recess with missing teeth, and bruised knees. i’m sorry we couldn’t play outside, dreaming of our own worlds where caterpillars were kings. i’m sorry we couldn’t make fishtail bracelets while talking about things too big for our little hearts to understand. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there when you just needed a friend. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you when we were kids, when we felt alone.

i’m sorry i wasn’t there to protect you when those bad things happened, when everyday felt like an extensive nightmare. i’m sorry i wasn’t there to stick up for you, to be there for you. i’m sorry that the people you thought you could trust the most, broke you down until you felt like you were nothing. i wish i could have been there, i wish i could have said something, done something. i wish i could have stuck up for you. i wish i could have stopped it from happening in the first place. i hope i can be here for you now, i hope i can protect you now.

i’m sorry that life has been so cruel to you that you believe you are undeserving of life and all of it’s pleasures. i’m sorry that you were made to believe that you are undeserving of fuel, of peace, of accomplishment, of joy. i’m sorry that simple tasks feel like so, so much more. i’m sorry that you were made to believe that you are anything but miraculously beautiful and worthy. i’m sorry that you can’t see what everyone else does. i really wish you could, and i hope, i KNOW that one day you will.

i know what it’s like to feel alone, unwanted, repulsive, anything but human. i know what it’s like to go to sleep every night wanting to know why. and i also know that the person who makes me laugh just by being authentically themselves, the person who is always the first to ask me what’s wrong, the person who always takes the time to remind me of who i am, the person who thinks of me and sends me silly posts when they do, the person who walks with me through all of MY bullshit, the person who surprises me with treats when they know i’m upset, the person who taps my shoes just to check on me, the person who pulled an all nighter the first time we texted, the person who always awkwardly tries to make me laugh, the person who always takes care of everyone else before themselves, is the LAST person who deserve to live like that.

one day i’ll get around to writing each of you a more personalized letter, but until then, let this post serve you as a reminder. i love you, i am so insanely proud of you, and i KNOW you are good, and you ARE deserving. i want you here, and i want to talk to you always. i’m only just a text message away.

love, your friend chris

basically everything i’ve been feeling

Goatsong, Leila Chatti

it should be socially acceptable to roll around on the ground groaning in pain . it wouldnt help get rid of the pain but i would feel a little better about it

oh deer

Only two ADHD tasks

1) this task will take me five minutes but I couldn’t possibly do it because I have an appointment in six hours

2) this task will take five hours but I’ll just do it first thing in the morning before I leave

just got rick rolled in the big ‘25

front yard

this dude. i feel the emptiness of my friend’s absence after every hangout and it cripples me. or something

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

Top surgery recovery has involved an onslaught of emotions that I'm still figuring out how to express, but this grief was not something I anticipated would be part of it.

i live in the memories of the abuse and i truly don’t think i’ll ever get out

i feel everything that’s wrong with me

i gotta end my shit for real

do you ever get tired of bearing the weight of the universe inside you? do your ribs ache from the internal cosmic explosion? you are such a beautiful, precious thing my dear

am i too much or not enough? because i feel like i only ever seem to be one of the two.

i feel like i’m subpar in everything in every way; and i know that almost every person on this damned earth feels the same,

but i can’t seem to shake the feeling—or belief rather—that at the end of everything there’s nothing.

at the end of everything all i have is me. and i guess that’s a reality i have to accept. it is true for everyone that we only have ourselves at the end of the day, but i’m so scared that no matter what i'll always end up alone

is this all i am

Suns out. flowers are blooming. birds are chirping. yaoi shit is happening to me. maybe it'll all be ok

catching myself lying again

the reality of my impurity bleeds through the screen of my irreproachable facade

is this who i really am?

i should just change my name to paper tiger at this point

divinity - a poem

seek familiarity in the warmth of ichor on your gelid, gelid skin

did they tell you that this world was meant for you?

or did they carve crosses in your chest, caving in your sternum?

did they tell you tales of falsified salvation, of cruel righteousness?

of eternal damnation at the blade of atheistic refutation?

seek answers in the warmth of ichor on your gelid, gelid skin

discover the world that lives to be your oyster

find redemption in the splendor of your existence

survive to lead the legacy of passion and absolution

learn to believe in the warmth of ichor on your gelid, gelid skin

seek divinity in mortality, find divinity beneath your hardened shell

seek divinity where it seeks you

Sometimes, all we really need is to be heard without having to fight for it.

I brought up how I felt—disconnected, unsure, a little tired of carrying the weight of unspoken things. And for once, I wasn’t met with defensiveness or silence. I was met with understanding. With effort. With a gentle “let’s fix this.”

It reminded me that love shouldn’t feel like walking on eggshells. It shouldn’t leave you questioning your worth or your voice. Sometimes, the simplest conversations can feel like healing.

I’m learning that being heard without having to explain myself twice is a kind of love I didn’t know I needed. I don’t need perfect. I just need real.

i think i would give anything experience this

feeling sick to my stomach and i’m literally about to arrive at the function aftuallyyyyyyyy kill me

getting my own feelings hurt over shit i made up in my head i’m tweaking it’s like i Want to be miserable and alone

who up about to ruin they own night

i love you btw

where is your boy tonight?

sticker

yasuhiro nightow / @ countthefighters / ocean vuong / jamie anderson / dylan krieger

fuckkkv💔

One weird experience of transitioning is failing at ur assigned gender role the whole time and everyone constantly deriding you for it but then u come out and it's like we lost a beautiful gender conforming warrior today. Must grieve for my wonderful child who pissed me off by being ugly and weird since day 1