I Gotta End My Shit For Real

Wrote this last spring, but I’ve been feeling similarly lately so I thought a repost was due.

underneath everything that is deeply wrong with me is snoopy. he is me. i am him. he is the only reminder that the child whose life i once lived continues to live through me now

be kind to yourself ♡

all you need to do to understand me on a base level is read the lyrics to alameda by elliott smith

This ended up on Pinterest what the eff

you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try you can’t outrun grief no matter how hard you try

My friends gift to me a glimmer of hope occasionally; and when they do, all I can think about is how badly I want to see and know the adult versions of them. I think about how nice it would be to have an extra room, or maybe a pullout couch, at the disposal of any friend looking for a warm bed and an ear to listen. I think about them coming to my house just to ask for a cigarette, and to talk about their troubles while we sit on the porch. I think about how I’ll attend (and cry at) their weddings, and I think about how I’ll be with them through messy breakups, and all the inbetweens. I think about how I’ll have their favorite snacks in my cupboard, and how I’ll make sure there’s always an extra toothbrush for them. I think about how I’ll have toys stored away for their potential kids when they visit, and I think about how I’ll get to watch all of us grow up.

I often times think the only thing stopping me from ending it is fear, but I think a little harder about the people I love, and suddenly it feels like my heart is trying to claw through my chest, and grasp onto any hope for the future.

I want to be there to love those around me until I can no longer leave my bed, and my last breaths are be spent cherishing their names.

half smoked cigarette save me it

I know the whole canine motif has been worn to the bone, however I have felt a lot like a mean dog lately.

aphex twin

“Just don’t leave me alone wondering where you are, I am stronger than you give me credit for”