My Dearest Friends,

my dearest friends,

i see the way you choke down your tears when someone asks about you. i see the way your jaw locks when simple words are reminders of things you wish you could forget. i see the way you quiet down when you have something too heavy to speak of. i see the way the tension manifests in fleeting glances, buried heads, and hurried words. i see the ways in which what has happened has followed you.

i’m sorry that it’s like this. i’m sorry i couldn’t have known you sooner. i’m sorry we couldn’t play groundies on the playground during recess with missing teeth, and bruised knees. i’m sorry we couldn’t play outside, dreaming of our own worlds where caterpillars were kings. i’m sorry we couldn’t make fishtail bracelets while talking about things too big for our little hearts to understand. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there when you just needed a friend. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you when we were kids, when we felt alone.

i’m sorry i wasn’t there to protect you when those bad things happened, when everyday felt like an extensive nightmare. i’m sorry i wasn’t there to stick up for you, to be there for you. i’m sorry that the people you thought you could trust the most, broke you down until you felt like you were nothing. i wish i could have been there, i wish i could have said something, done something. i wish i could have stuck up for you. i wish i could have stopped it from happening in the first place. i hope i can be here for you now, i hope i can protect you now.

i’m sorry that life has been so cruel to you that you believe you are undeserving of life and all of it’s pleasures. i’m sorry that you were made to believe that you are undeserving of fuel, of peace, of accomplishment, of joy. i’m sorry that simple tasks feel like so, so much more. i’m sorry that you were made to believe that you are anything but miraculously beautiful and worthy. i’m sorry that you can’t see what everyone else does. i really wish you could, and i hope, i KNOW that one day you will.

i know what it’s like to feel alone, unwanted, repulsive, anything but human. i know what it’s like to go to sleep every night wanting to know why. and i also know that the person who makes me laugh just by being authentically themselves, the person who is always the first to ask me what’s wrong, the person who always takes the time to remind me of who i am, the person who thinks of me and sends me silly posts when they do, the person who walks with me through all of MY bullshit, the person who surprises me with treats when they know i’m upset, the person who taps my shoes just to check on me, the person who pulled an all nighter the first time we texted, the person who always awkwardly tries to make me laugh, the person who always takes care of everyone else before themselves, is the LAST person who deserve to live like that.

one day i’ll get around to writing each of you a more personalized letter, but until then, let this post serve you as a reminder. i love you, i am so insanely proud of you, and i KNOW you are good, and you ARE deserving. i want you here, and i want to talk to you always. i’m only just a text message away.

love, your friend chris