Feeling

I hate almost everything about myself I just wish I was normal I don’t want to be seen I don’t want to talk I don’t want to feel weak anymore. I don’t want to be pitied I don’t want sympathy I just want to be free. I just want to feel okay

Wrote this last spring, but I’ve been feeling similarly lately so I thought a repost was due.

At my birthday party I got a little too high at some point, and I was sitting on the couch while everyone else was on the floor of the living room and I felt so lonely. I don’t know why, my friends didn’t do anything wrong, but I was hit with such a profound wave of grief.

It’s like my body realized I was growing up.

One thing about me is I see my memories very vividly, and certain emotions trigger specific memories, and they play in my head like personalized films. When this weird isolating grief hit me, I saw this like montage of previous birthdays from when I was a kid, and I saw the town I grew up in, and the way it used to be. Parents calling for me, missing teeth, grass stained knees, sun kissed shoulders from swimming, blowing out candles, everything. It was a lot. And I wished I was somewhere else for a moment, but I wasn’t exactly sure where I wanted to be instead.

Idk if this makes sense but I really did have a lovely birthday, these things just creep up

Everyone is rightfully tired of my shit I wish I could curl up into a little ball and shrink until I disappear

“There’s a special place in my heart for the ones who were with me at my lowest and still loved me when I wasn’t very loveable.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

Should of done it when I had the chance

It will haunt me forever

Tweaking I am convinced my friends are upset with me and not telling me