(name Blocked Because SPOILERS Tho It Should Be Pretty Easy To Guess)

Whenever I see a post on tumblr suggesting aliens don’t have gender, I always think–‘but what if also the reverse. What if aliens also have some fundamental social construct we don’t’.

Like, they come and meet us and they’re like ‘hey this is an awkward question but what’s your gooblebygark?’

And we’re like what.

‘You know, the… the thing. Your goobledygark. The thing that dictates whether you’re gnarfgnoovles or brubledoopes’

What. What. What the fuck, those words don’t even mean anything??? What are you talking about?

‘Look, your ridiculous human languages don’t seem to have the words for these! But they’re totally a thing, they’re like, fundamental aspects of social life for our species, just… just let us lick you so we can know what verb tense to use when we speak to you.’

What does one thing have to do with the other??? That makes no–

‘UGH, nevermind, you’re totally brubledoopes, I can just tell, I don’t even need to taste your bacterial skin colonies.’

And then another alien overhears and is like ‘holy shit, you can’t stereotype like that, that’s SO NOT COOL’

‘yeaH BUT THEY WON’T LET ME LICK THEM’

Ya know what I hate? How in Science Fiction if there are aliens and humans, then the humans are ultra super special for whatever reason. Like they can’t just be there they have to ether be the main focus or the only species that matters! Apparently people can’t relate to aliens unless they are inherently superior.

love stories about monsters are THE BEST because the idea of conceptualizing love in a way that is not human and fundamentally cannot be human and is AN ENTIRELY SEPARATE LEVEL FROM THE HUMAN is so great. 

made better when one half of the relationship is human and suddenly we’re dealing with a) a human learning to love like a monster or b) a monster learning to translate their love into human terms and that’s

the best thing

to me.

which often goes hand in hand with MONSTER TRYING TO HUMANIZE THEMSELVES but that’s.. not necessary, don’t worry monster, you don’t need to do that. your capacity for love does not need to be whittled and softened into a human shape. it’s okay. your heart can be brutal and all consuming. you will learn to cope and you will learn to funnel it, pieces at a time, into something conceivable and measurable to the human mind. 

and i don’t strictly mean monster monsters because there’s room here for divinity (alpha and omega, first and last, holy terror OF THE HEART. apocalypses OF FEELING.) or ghosts, or non-human, non-monster outliers (superheroes, androids, idek), or even human beings who are self-made monsters and whose expression and understanding of love is two steps removed and two shades off. 

but, you know what i mean. 

love stories about monsters.

This guy nails it right on the head.

Check out his content, folks! He does incredible work and it is criminal he has so few subscribers. 

For aspiring writers of Xenofiction, I IMPLORE you, do NOT write like this. Note Cardinal’s SAGE advice, read from the best writers (Subjective of course, but still) and take a leaf out of their books. 

i stumbled across a video for drawing in the splatoon style, got some splat brushes, as they're labeled, so I was thinking about that and went ahead with this. 

Humans Are Weird

To be honest, I didn’t really intend to imply humans were the only weird aliens. It was more a case of “what do we do, what are we good for”? I wound up envisioning us as the rescue dogs of the universe because we’ve got a lot of the same traits that make dogs really valuable for that.

But, for instance, an ambush predator would be much less prone to sunk cost fallacies. A pursuit predator has to be persistent because it’s much worse to leave an animal half worn out to chase another one, even one that would have been easier to start with. Whereas a leopard will come out of hiding the instant it knows it’s been seen (to avoid the obvious pun) because there’s no point sinking energy into stalking something you’ve already lost the chance to pounce on.

A eusocial species would bond even more intensely than humans, but likely more highly confined to their own relatives let alone their own species.

We’d probably all be very strange to one another.

I bet octopuses think bones are horrific. I bet all their cosmic horror stories involve rigid-limbs and hinged joints.

Also going to finally make a pinned post for all my stuff:

BOGLEECH - my tumblr blog is named after this website I created around 2002 and still update. Thousands of pages worth of content focusing on creature design as well as real biology. My review of the original Legend of Zelda monsters might be the most straightforward example of my articles. Links to some of the most popular content:

POKEMON REVIEW ARCHIVE: - I rate and review each and every single Pokemon, in Pokedex order, on its merits as a creature design. I also do so as someone whose favorite animals are all parasites.

DIGIMON REVIEW ARCHIVE - same, but more chaotic.

CREEPYPASTA COOKOFF ARCHIVE - for several years I hosted a yearly writing contest before it grew too big for me to keep up with. There are over a thousand user submitted horror, fantasy, sci fi and surrealist stories here emphasizing unconventional, original ideas you seldom see from the "creepypasta" community!

The original "MORTASHEEN" Monster Archive - since the early 2000's I've created and illustrated more than 800 creatures and counting for my own monster-catching world, now set for release as a tabletop RPG setting.

AWFUL HOSPITAL: SERIOUSLY THE WORST EVER (page one): an interactive comedy-horror-sci-fi webcomic I started in 2014 about a medical facility that could maybe be better.

Some of my other internet stuff:

PATREON - constant work makes my patreon updates inconsistent, but the content backlog goes back years with a huge amount of exclusive art and writing. I try to put up new exclusive stuff whenever I can.

ETSY - I design all sorts of original enamel pins like these, plus I sell zero-maintenance terrarium plants (just leave them in a jar!), original books and other things!

COLOR THE ABYSS (available on the above etsy!) - a 30 page educational deep sea coloring book! Includes a few famous favorites like giant isopods and hagfish, but mostly focuses on less popular, often much weirder animals.

UNBELIEVABLE BUGS - also regularly restocked in the etsy store, 30 of the strangest and most surprising arthropods most people have likely never heard of, illustrated by myself and @revretch, written for even the youngest kids to understand (but will likely teach you something new at any age)

My Itch.io and Ko-fi - both sell digital versions of my books, including some creepypasta collections and my first novel, "Return of the Living," about a world of entirely ghosts suddenly dealing with the appearance of ghost-hunting monsters.

TWITCH CHANNEL - I now try to stream something at least monthly, sometimes weekly when possible, from horror games to books and art.

YOUTUBE CHANNEL - archives my twitch streams and other little things.

INSTAGRAM - look at pictures of my huge weird collection of toys and Halloween collectibles

BLUESKY - I'm going to put mainly just updates to my stuff on here. SEE ALSO:

HUMANS-B-GONE - a science fiction animated series by my partner @revretch, about a world of kaiju-size, technologically advanced insects and arachnids to whom vertebrates like us are just pesky little "gubs." Also has a tumblr account @humansbgone

Advance!

This thread about anti-indigenous racism in xenofiction is well worth a read (and some reflection).