The Jail Au

the jail au

so everyone’s chilling at ow prison

they’re all in a gang

s76 is the prison warden, but somehow he got pulled into the squad

reaper and widow are ‘agents’ of the other prison gang

reaper got caught for a homicide and dragged widow down with him

junkrat and roadhog are in for… blowing things up. or at least that’s what junkrat says when anyone asks him.

mccree’s in for drunk driving cuz his car flipped over twice on a public road. and also because the judge thought he was annoying

(hanzo was the judge)

zarya and mei are in bc mei enlisted zarya when she wanted to destroy the headquarters of a major oil company cuz mei is really into environmentalist stuff

lucio’s in for helping d.va hack netflix and download all of their content

symmetra… nobody knows what she’s in for. who knows if she’s even supposed to be in jail. but she brings the harry potter movies so it’s cool

tracer’s probably in for peddling sunglasses tbh

pharah and mercy are the tired overworked prison guards who don’t deserve half the shit they go through

like that one time someone (coughs: tracer) decided to hook up her roller skates with a whipped cream can on the end of each one, and went sailing through the halls like an idiot

and the other time a certain cowboy spray-painted an impressively good picture of hanzo on the brand-new wall (junkrat blew the old one up but somehow no one bothered to escape) (actually tracer went out and bought rocky road but she came back) but if you looked at it from a different angle it looked like male genitalia

genji comes sailing in one day

literally

through the ceiling

“hey,” he says, then turns around and walks out the door.

no explanation.

lucio and d.va somehow got their paws on a laptop (read: they bribed tracer to go ‘buy’ one) and hacked the prison database and renamed all the inmates to their ‘proper codenames’

with the exception of tracer, who they renamed ‘widow’s hoe’

which widow laughed about and tracer sulked about for days

she denies it

nobody believes her

but they occasionally get their shit together long enough to have a turf war

somehow they get their hands on real guns

pharah and mercy don’t deserve this

tracer stays on widow the whole time

(literally like she just jumps onto widow’s back and clings. she’s basically a bright orange barnacle)

also no one knows where they get the suits

except tracer

who will not tell a soul unless it’s widow and she bribes her

anyways one day hanzo comes in with genji and he pauses by mccree’s cell.

“mr. jesse mccree.”

“han-han! it’s been too long, buttercup! your ass still sore?”

hanzo very discreetly flips him off, but gestures to pharah to open his cell door.

as soon as he’s out of the cell, he stretches dramatically (the cell is actually bigger than the hallway but mccree’s a hoe) and then flings his arms around hanzo and starts blubbering

“oh, han-han, it was so scary in prison while you were away i missed you my precious han-han-”

“lock him up again.”

pharah salutes

ok so widow and tracer have a weird thing going

pharmercy are married

hanzo and mccree banged like once and mccree’s in love and hanzo’s secretly fond annoyed

zarya and mei are dating

they were high school sweethearts and they won homecoming queens

reaper76 is… complicated and angsty

ok so like they met in high school and decided they wanted to make a three-person band with ana

and it was cool and gabriel wore a beanie and he was really cute

and jack had a HUGE crush on him and finally he walked up to gabriel one day and he just sort of blurted out ‘i’m in love with you’ and then started stammering incoherently and then gabriel gave him that trademark cute little smile and slid one hand to jack’s neck, fingers tangling in his (long cuz he’s a nerd) blonde hair, and kissed him, and whispered ‘me too’ and jack died.

but they dated through college until they graduated and moved in together in new jersey and jack had a little black box in his pocket, with a diamond ring inside

and then gabriel got involved with some bad people

a ruthless head of a drug cartel who always hated jack’s father, and therefore jack as well

he blackmailed gabriel into having sex with him and jack walked in on them

he blinked twice and then reached into his pocket, pulled out the black box, and tossed it on the floor.

then he turned around and walked away.

he started drinking. heavily.

they had sort of lost touch with ana, but when she heard, she showed up at jack’s door and talked to him for an entire night.

gabriel was in an even worse place. he started doing drugs, cocaine and heroin and meth. he met widow on the new york streets and eventually, he shot a man and ended up in prison. he went through rehab.

but when jack saw him for the first time, he felt like he’d been stabbed

gabriel was as beautiful as ever, dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes and a lovely smile

and jack was old and tired and he had cut his hair because it reminded him of how gabriel loved to run his hands through it

but gabriel looked right at him with wide eyes and said in an awed whisper ‘you’re so beautiful’

and one day they sat down and talked

and talked

and then, ten months later, gabriel leans down very slowly, looks in jack’s eyes, and gently kisses him

and tracer ruins the moment by sprinting in with flowers and throwing them

but gabriel laughs and dips him

and everything is good again