Cuntrapika - Fritz

“𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐞? 𝐦𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞”

a/n: thank you so much for your support!!! i hope this could make you smile :)

and yes the title is a lana reference (i’m just so inspired by lyrics today)

ft. itoshi rin, itoshi sae, isagi yoichi, bachira meguru, nagi seishiro, mikage reo, niko ikki, kaiser michael, ness alexis, karasu tabito, shidou ryusei

itoshi rin

you're standing in front of the mirror frowning at your thighs when rin walks in.

"what are you doing?" he asks like you're plotting a heist.

"just… nothing," you mumble, tugging your shirt down over your stomach.

he immediately knows something’s up. rin doesn't do emotions, but he does read you like a book.

“you’re doing the self-hate monologue again, aren’t you.”

you nod. he just sighs deeply and grabs your face like he's about to deliver a dramatic anime speech.

"i need you to understand something."

"… okay?"

"your thighs are incredible. like, dangerously hot. people would pay to get crushed between them."

"rin."

"no. and your stomach? i literally fall asleep holding it every night. it’s the safest place on earth. i’m not even joking."

later that night he buries his face into your stomach and mumbles, “see? perfect pillow. i win.”

itoshi sae

you make a self-deprecating joke about your body and sae just slowly turns his head to you with the most unamused expression imaginable.

“was that supposed to be funny?”

“no i just… i don’t like my thighs.”

"cool. i do."

"yeah but they're –"

"shhh. you're not allowed to talk shit about my favorite thighs."

then he just grabs them casually while sipping his drink like it's tuesday.

“don’t test me. i will write a love letter to your thighs and frame it.”

and this man would. on fancy paper. with wax seals.

your stomach? yeah he pokes it just to watch you squeal and then hugs it like it's his emotional support plushie.

“stop saying dumb stuff. i know what i like. and i like you.”

drops mic. walks away. leaves you blushing on the floor.

isagi yoichi

isagi is not having ANY of this negativity.

you say “ugh i look bloated” one time and he spins around like a rom-com protagonist.

“you’re what? LOVE. no. come here.”

wraps you in the softest hug and literally kisses your stomach like it's sacred.

“this is the cutest stomach in the world. i’d build a monument for it.”

“yoichi –”

“and your thighs? do you know how many times i’ve spaced out staring at them? once during a team meeting. bachira noticed. it was awkward.”

he starts complimenting every little thing with passionate sports announcer energy: “and here we have the most stunning pair of thighs gracing this room. yes, folks, look at that form!”

eventually he lays his head on your lap with a dreamy sigh and goes, “you don’t even get it. you’re my favorite view.”

bachira meguru

you look a little down and he immediately panic-scatters into your space.

“what happened? who do i fight? did a mirror insult you? i’ll punch it.”

you admit you’re just feeling insecure about your body, especially your thighs.

he gasps like he just witnessed a war crime.

“THOSE thighs? the thighs i mentally thank god for every single day???”

clutches them dramatically.

“they are elite. masterpiece. top-tier. anime protagonist levels of divine.”

then he pokes your stomach and giggles when you try to squirm away.

“it’s bouncy! it’s cute! it’s squish-approved! 10/10! best cuddling material ever!”

draws a smiley face on it with his finger. names it. gives it a backstory.

“this is sir squish-a-lot. he’s royalty. treat him with respect.”

you’re laughing so hard by the end you forget you were ever upset. mission accomplished.

nagi seishiro

you say something negative about your thighs and he just blinks at you.

"no thoughts. head empty. but thighs good."

“nagi that’s not –”

“your thighs are comfy. they’re warm. they’re literally my headrest when i nap. don’t disrespect my nap station.”

then just flops face-first into them while mumbling, “mmph. perfect.”

he pats your stomach too and goes, “this is where i press my face when you’re mad at me. can’t believe you’re beefing with it.”

tries to fix your insecurities by aggressively cuddling them out of you.

“if i kiss the things you hate enough times, will you stop hating them?”

spoiler: yes. yes you will.

mikage reo

genuinely offended when you say you don’t like your thighs or stomach.

“wait what? are we looking at the same person? babe, you’re an art piece. i’d hang a painting of you in my mansion.”

“reo, you don’t have a mansion –”

“yet. but i will. and your thighs are going in the foyer.”

threatens to fund a PR campaign for your self-esteem.

“billboards. magazine covers. motivational speeches. i’m not kidding.”

hugs you from behind and whispers, “how dare you talk bad about my future wife’s perfect body.”

dramatic but also seriously in love with every inch of you.

“if you ever insult your thighs again, i will cry and guilt-trip you for a week. i’m rich. i can be petty.”

niko ikki

you’re feeling insecure and niko notices right away, because this boy is observant as hell.

“you keep covering your stomach,” he says gently.

you admit what’s been bothering you, and he gets this serious expression like he’s going into soccer mode.

“your thighs are my favorite thing to cuddle. i literally mold into them like memory foam.”

you snort, but he just shrugs.

“i’m being real. and your stomach? that’s my safe zone. my emotional recharge pad. stop hating on it.”

later, he literally tucks himself into your side with a blanket and mutters, “mmm, yup. serotonin unlocked. no more insults allowed.”

deadass gives your thighs a pep talk like, “you guys are killin’ it. keep up the good work.”

kaiser michael

you say you feel gross and kaiser’s mouth literally drops open.

“EXCUSE ME???”

“what do you mean you hate your thighs. are you blind? they are a national treasure.”

puts his hand over his heart like he’s been personally wronged.

“your stomach too. i love that thing. it’s adorable. it’s sexy. it’s mine.”

proceeds to rant for 10 minutes about how obsessed he is with you.

“i would get in a physical altercation with a mirror if it made you feel bad. i’m being serious, stop laughing!”

then starts listing celebrities and why they don’t even come close to your level.

“zendaya? beautiful. but do her thighs make me bark out loud like yours? no. i win.”

you’re laughing so hard you can’t even argue anymore.

ness alexis

he goes into full puppy boyfriend mode when you say anything mean about yourself.

“noooo don’t say that! your thighs are literally heaven-sent!”

grabs them and wiggles his fingers into them like they’re stress balls.

“i could live between these thighs. i would die happy here. let me in.”

“alexis please –”

“no. you brought this on yourself.”

hugs your waist so tightly you can’t escape.

“and your tummy? my favorite place. soft. warm. 100% wife material.”

will pout dramatically if you keep putting yourself down.

“i’ll cry. i will. then you’ll feel bad. don’t do that to me.”

karasu tabito

hears you insult your stomach and just slowly blinks.

“so we’re lying now?”

“karasu, i’m serious –”

“me too. your thighs are elite. S-tier. baddie-coded.”

starts listing reasons why you’re the hottest girl alive.

“you walk and i stare. you sit and i stare. you breathe and i STARE.”

pokes your thigh and says, “this is the reason i lost my train of thought mid-practice yesterday.”

constantly hypes you up in the most unserious ways.

“your body’s so fine it needs to come with a warning label. handle with care. dangerous curves ahead.”

and when you finally laugh, he grins and says, “there’s my girl. don’t let dumb thoughts talk shit about my favorite person.”

shidou ryusei

you mutter something like, “ugh, i feel gross today. my thighs look huge,” and shidou literally stops mid-bite of his protein bar.

“what did you just say about my favorite thighs in the universe?”

stares at you, dead serious.

“you tryna make me cry right now? ‘cause i’ll do it. ugly sobbing and everything.”

immediately drops to his knees like he’s about to propose, but instead he wraps his arms around your legs and mumbles into your thighs, “nah, i’m not letting this slander slide. not on my watch.”

you try to walk away but he’s LATCHED ON.

“i love these thighs so much i’d build a church and worship at the altar of ‘em. i’d name a stadium after ‘em. shidou thighs arena™.”

your stomach? he pokes it, leans in close, and whispers, “you got that sexy villain belly. soft and deadly. dangerous in the best way.”

“what does that even mean –”

“means i’m obsessed. you look like you could ruin my life and i’d say thank you.”

will not stop until you laugh. will not stop even after that.

“don’t ever talk shit about my favorite parts of you again. you’re so hot it’s distracting. like. spiritually.”

later that night he flops across your lap and announces, “if thighs could kill, you’d be doing life in prison. and i’d be your cellmate. willingly.”

he’s the unhinged hype man you never asked for but desperately needed.

and the second he sees you smiling again, he grins all smug and goes, “yeah. that’s right. those thighs are mine, baby.”

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