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The Taboo of Male Chastity

Male chastity is one of those things that is often judged before being understood. Just the idea of locking a device onto a males sex organ, so he can’t get an erection or play with himself, often turns both genders off the idea. It’s like looking in on a bdsm scene for the first time without any knowledge that it’s consensual and being creeped out. However, the taboo is created only out of misunderstanding of what it actually is, and what it actually does.

Male chastity, in it’s most basic sense, is abstinence. It’s just a device that aids a male to remain abstinent for his partner while giving her the authority to decide if and when his abstinence ends.  So chastity combined with her authority, just makes abstinence more fun, it makes it something difficult to endure, resulting in much deeper intimacy. It’s also something that trains him to overcome all of his lust, and focus his attention not on his selfish desires, but on hers. It makes chastity the perfect tool for developing a sex life that works both ways and creates a very satisfied female partner, and a very happy attentive male.

The honor system can work, but generally it takes a lot more work, and many more accidents along the way. Tease and denial without chastity is definitely possible, and can be a lot of fun. However, chastity does add an extra dimension, because it is a device that is wrapped around his genitals, and grips him gently all day long, reminding him often of his sacrifice for her. It serves to keep her on his mind, which makes him automatically more romantic, more chivalrous, kind, thoughtful, and overall, far less argumentative. His sexual release being conditional upon her approval, keeps him in constant devotion to her.  This can really show the difference between the honor system, and using chastity.

The idea that chastity is unsafe and unhygienic is often a concern that puts many off. When done right, and when fitted properly, a male can pee, and keep clean, with minimal removals. This might take a bit of time to get used to, but the better the fit, or even a custom device, and hygiene is not a problem. Neither is safety, because once it fits right, it will not deter him from doing any activity, including swimming, going to the gym, or riding a bicycle. One major concern is that it shrinks the penis over time.  This is a myth that can never be proven because the penis cannot shrink, just like it cannot be enlarged. The reason for this is because the penis is not a muscle, it is a sponge that fills with blood. After a while in the cage, it gets used to only being able to fill with blood a small amount, and like a sponge, it conforms to the size it’s allowed. Many instances on the internet show a submissive’s penis getting progressively smaller using chastity. This is true only to the extent that he keeps wearing small devices and never allows for a full erection.  Once the cage is removed, after a few days or weeks, the penis will naturally begin to grow back to its usual size. So yes, it can shrink it, but only if it’s never allowed to grow to its normal size.

Chastity is meant to be fun. It’s really not meant to be a method of sexual denial. It’s meant to be a tool that helps a male deny himself for her. Most males lack the self control, and after a few days, the temptation gets too great and results in gratification. Chastity can really help with this, where the temptation is removed simply because the device reminds him that he’s not allowed to give in to temptation. It becomes a great tool for helping a male conquer lust and develop self control over his own sexual urges. This helps him become a better man, and have more respect for women in general, especially his partner.

Male chastity actually has a long history, and if you look back in time, men have used chastity for hundreds of years. They understood the power of sexual energy, and how it can be used for spiritual exploration, and enhancing and nourishing the physical body for endurance in all things. Many athletes to this day practice abstinence and use their sexual energy to help them win over the competition. Men have also used chastity to bring sexual energy upwards through their body, to cleanse their body of negative energy and old habits, as well as to give themselves multiple, non-ejaculatory orgasms extending throughout their whole body. There is a whole lot men can learn from their sexual energy when it’s directed in ways beyond ejaculation. Chastity teaches submissive males this, and it brings them much more in touch with their body, and as a result more in touch with their partners.

When a couple within a female led relationship can see beyond the taboos of male chastity and try it for themselves, then tend to never go back. There is a huge following now, a new trend that is rising, because of male chastity. The benefits speak for themselves, and the more males come in touch with their bodies, the more they understand about their partner creating harmony. It’s worth trying, even for fun as an experiment, just to attempt to understand it.

Many males fear that going into chastity, and giving up that much control, means that sex will occur less often, but that’s not true at all. Chastity actually sexually charges the relationship, and helps her to develop her own desire, which is something few women ever do. To really explore her desire, and know it’s okay, guilt free, and encouraged by her partner to do so. This sexual charge, combined with her desire, means there will likely be a lot more sex. It’ll just be a different kind of sex, which a submissive male will come to love. He may not get let out of his cage each time, but he’s going to discover the true value of giving pleasure. It will cater directly to his submissive desire, which will bring him deeper into subspace, that alone will automatically be more powerful than a sexual release for him. He will come to love that depth of subspace, through giving pleasure, far more than being released from it. It will make him crave to give pleasure even more.

Eventually he will reach a point where he craves to give pleasure, more than his own sexual release. He will feel naked without his chastity device on, as a symbol of his submission to her. In the end that’s all chastity becomes, a symbol that he is dedicated to her, devoted to her, and loves her without any selfishness. It’s a beautiful symbol and many female led relationship have discovered it’s beauty, and have incorporated it into their lifestyle and never look back.

Yes! Please come back, Jane! For me at least, you started it all…

We Miss Jane

Will she ever come back to Tumblr after being banned TWICE now it seems. And weirdly... the rules definitely seem to have been relaxed... so why no Jane?

My keyholder gave me this instruction last week. I complied, and am still locked.

Welcome from my other blog. It’s new blog #4 after having lost over 50,000 followers.

Please repost this to get the message far and wide.

Low Key(holding)

Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders

There are many different kinds of orgasm control. The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'. I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation. The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.

Starting Out

In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.

Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.

Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again: "This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."

Again, Why Does He Want This?

I am not going to spend much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:

"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.

Giving you control may be a turn on for him.

It spices things up in long term relationships.

Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.

It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.

It's sexy and fun to have you in control.

etc.

There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:

No pressure on you for sex

However, you get sex when and how you want it.

Cages look sexy

You set the rules

You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.

etc

The Spectrum of Orgasm Control

Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this thing a spin.

All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.

Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.

1. Not Locked

Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.

This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.

In my view, a major benefit of using chastity in this dynamic is that it is impossible for him to get hard while locked. This reality really keeps his erotic urges in check.

2. Self-locked

Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof is purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.

This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.

3. Sometimes Locked

Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.

This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed durations decided upon by the keyholder.

This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.

4. Default Locked

In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.

This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.

When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will refit the cage immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.

Locking Pragmatics

Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.

Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the cage fitting themselves.

Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.

Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.

I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?

Short answer - wherever you like.

But my recommendation? I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.

If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.

Expand your Knowledge

Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.

Communicate, tease, be selfish, have fun!

With no end in sight, she said…❤️

Introducing Male Chastity Play

My name is Ella, I am 36 years old and I work for an insurance company. My husband, deliberately not named, is 37 years old and works as a   senior engineer. We have been happily married for 12 years, with two   daughters, and I am created this site to share my experiences and advice for Tease and Denial and Male Chastity. (If you are not married, please mentally replace husband with  boyfriend when reading this website, it all applies just the same.)   As you are reading this website, I am assuming your husband or boyfriend  has told you that he wants to try something called male chastity play with you, or you have heard about it somewhere and have suggested it to him. Either you have found this website through a search engine, or you have been sent the link. Your first reaction probably was surprise. Why would he want chastity? What  does he want me to do? 

Step 1: relax! When you read through these paragraphs   (I kept it short, I promise!) you  will understand why chastity is a fun, exciting idea for the two of you to try. You may find it’s simply that - a fun game to spice things up in your sex life. You may also   find that male chastity brings a new closeness and renewed desire to   you as a couple. Before you continue reading, make sure you have nothing  else planned for a little while and that you are not distracted by   anything. Relax, take your time, and try to be as open-minded as you can.                                          

To get started, I recommend reading this 101 article. You will need to make notes - digitally or on paper, as to do this properly there are some things you need to choose and then write down.                                           

After this 101, I do recommend you read through subsequent articles linked here, as there is more detail on some key topics, and the more you know, the better you will be at this!

But… First, what is male chastity play?                                           

Simply put, the man uses a so-called chastity device to lock his penis,  and then he gives the key to his partner, making her what is called a “keyholder”.  Chastity devices are sex toys made of plastic or metal that lock around  the penis, making it impossible for him to masturbate or get an erection. In chastity play, the keyholder  (you) has the power to decide when to unlock the device and when to  allow him sexual pleasure. That can be five times a day or five times a  year. The ‘game’ of it is the transmission of ‘power’ regarding his sexual pleasure.                                           

You may not typically be the ‘dominant’ sexual partner in the relationship, but in chastity play it is essential that you assume this position - even if you are just acting or role-playing initially until it becomes the norm. He is not giving you inanimate metal keys - he’s giving you possession to his sexual release and the position of power. Enjoy it! Embrace it and take charge.                                           

I have always  felt that being well informed about something enables you  to do it well. There is a lot on the internet on chastity, and there are several internet forums and chat rooms which seem to start up and die  down as people move around. I have communicated over the years with over  two dozen wives who keep their husbands locked. I have met several of  them in person and the one thing they all agreed on was that the benefits of chastity for their husbands were incredible. It may amaze  you, as it did me, to find out that so many men and women use chastity  as part of their relationship, really more than you could imagine. There  was a Canadian newspaper article in 2019 stating that 6% of men are  caged with the key given to their wife. This just goes to show that male  chastity is less rare than you probably thought and there is a lot of  it being practiced, probably by some of your girlfriends.       

There are two major types of chastity - ‘play’ and ‘lifestyle’. Play is relatively short term and used as part of sex play and diversity. Short term, in my view, falls into the category of 2-week to 3-month lock ups. This is where most couples’ chastity journeys start. It’s vital that the first lockup is at least 2-3 weeks, and is 24 hours a day for that period. Read why here. No 'nighttime only’ or 'daytime only’ - the lockup period must be erection and orgasm free.

Even in short term play, chastity has to be  a 24/7 thing. 24/7 is the foundation; it is the  most positive/enjoyable/effective because the cage is a constant reminder about the power exchange. Most of the day, the male will forget about it and only be subconsciously aware that anything is different. However when they do get a tingle of sexual excitement - for whatever reason, Boom - they are reminded that their erections (and more importantly, sexual release) belongs to you. That’s what’s fun about Tease and Denial (T&D). Life  goes on as it always has, employment,  financial, family issues and decisions are all still there. But it’s a little secret you two share - a fun,  slightly ‘naughty’ way to mix up the relationship’s ‘sexual  dominance’.

What are the benefits of Male Chastity?                                    

The  motivation why a couple would want to begin with male chastity play is straightforward: It is simply a sexual   fantasy or sexual experimentation to mix things up. With the dramatic   rise in popularity in chastity play over the last five years - with   story arcs in mainstream media (Californication), articles in The Independent, Cosmopolitan,  Vice…), it may have piqued their interest as something fun to try.

he  large global movement called “Locktober” is practically everywhere, and is an  entry point for many males and females who want to experiment in this  way.                                          

 Or it is a matter of circumstance that allows for a different style of sexual ‘play’ - long distance relationships, work trips or  other reasons where vanilla lovemaking is limited/not possible.                                           

For  males, chastity play can be very VERY exciting. For the male, chastity play is about having a relationship   where male orgasms are limited but erotic heat is abundant. As part of the game, he  is giving up something that is a very standard part of a male’s life,  his freedom to masturbate. Young men have an abundance of testosterone,  so masturbation doesn’t  seem to interfere with their pursuit of young women. However, as men  grow older masturbating usually translates into the husband losing  sexual desire for at least a couple days. Male masturbation can create  an emotional  barrier in relationships and allows a man to remain somewhat  disconnected in a very selfish and self-serving way. Chastity puts a  stop to the masturbation and works in many ways; it  changes his mood, demeanor and libido.                                           

Males in chastity will almost always have   increased energy. Noticed he hits the gym more? Trimming the body fat? Need less sleep? More productive? Yup. Other changes will likely happen too. He will be more focused and task-oriented. Most  importantly it changes his desire to please you.  This is because as he continues to build up his sexual energy that he  no longer has the ability to release as he pleases, he will divert that  energy towards pleasing you - especially if he has asked you to be his keyholder, rather than you coming up with the idea to keep him locked. His non-stop offers of massages and oral  sex are a very  welcome side effect of the redirection of his sexual energy.                                           

What do I actually ‘do’ as a Keyholder?                                           

Chastity is just that, chastity. There is no need to entertain other kinks your husband may have if you don’t want to. In fact, it is likely  that your husband doesn’t even expect you to do anything more than hold his key. Just be yourself and do what you want. It doesn’t have to  become a time sink and your life doesn’t need to revolve around your husband’s desire for chastity.                                             

As counter-intuitive as it might sound, when you take away a man’s erections, orgasms and his ability to play with his cock whenever the mood strikes, he finds it very arousing. Chastity is a huge turn on.                                           

The sexual frustration a chaste man feels is intense, so intense he experiences a euphoric high from the change of control. That is why a guy becomes super-focused on his partner and the extreme arousal coupled with sexual frustration is what makes the chastity game so much fun for couples to play. The more aroused a locked male stays, the more he likes it. Teasing is what keeps a guy’s arousal at high levels.

Being a keyholder involves:                                           

1. Holding the keys and controlling when and how release takes place (see links)                                            2. Setting and communicating your keyholding rules at the start of the first lockup.                                            3. Teasing - to keep arousal in peak state throughout lockup.

Let’s look at some of this in more detail.                                           

Teasing                                           

You don’t have to be an expert at sexual teasing or spend loads of time  learning how to become one. Chastity with teasing keeps the arousal and positive energy / endorphins / oxytocin at ideal levels. Chastity without teasing will lead to frustration and grumpiness - pretty soon the game will be up.                                           

So, teasing is essential to keep your  husband’s arousal peaking, but there are plenty of simple ways to do  that which don’t require a lot of time. It’s important to remember that you and not him will be the one making  the (bedroom) decisions once he is locked. There are no fixed rules how  often you should test him, unlock him or let him ejaculate, and chastity does not  need to change your everyday life, certainly not outside of the bedroom.  I would suggest you give it a try and then just go with the flow.                                           

Teasing Ideas                                           

So how do you do ‘teasing’? I don’t mean making fun of him. We’re not in middle school. I mean  turning him on, only it’s teasing because he can’t get hard, let alone  have an orgasm. It’s the ultimate cock tease and it makes chastity play  so much more satisfying for you and your man.                                           

The great thing about male chastity play is how little effort it takes you, as the keyholder. My ideal teasing effort is 2-5 minutes a day, or every second day… mix it up. Make it a rule that he is not allowed to ask for it. In bed at night, roll over and tease for a bit. Then say goodnight. Other nights - do nothing, say nothing. That is half of the fun - for you and for him!                                            Look at the list below and jot down some of the ones that appeal to you…                                           

Some simple teasing ideas: 1: Non-physical - Talk about it: Talk about his chastity cage. Tell him you like how it looks, how tight it must be, how full his balls look… Ask him to show it to you as a 'cage check’ at random times… The simple act of talking about it will drive him crazy! Men are hilarious. - Choose his underwear for him. Tell him to wear a particular color, or tell him to wear the tight white ones, the compression shorts, swimsuit… or no underwear today…whatever. You’re taking control, and that’s hot. - Tell him to sleep naked every now and again - Even wear some sexy outfits and parading around will drive him crazy!                                           

2: Physical - Play with his balls. Even while locked, his balls are exposed, unless you have a full chastity belt where the balls are locked too. With his cock locked, his balls become infinitely more sensitive. Stroke / tickle to start, but then squeeze and pull. Then slap. Start slowly and build up the slapping in intensity, and tell him to tell you when to stop. Then start again..! Women are way too gentle with balls in general - most makes prefer far more rough play than they let on. Let him guide you if you are unsure.

- Play with the Cage: while most cages do a great job of making erections and orgasms impossible, playing with his cage is a great way to tease him. If it’s an enclosed cage (better in my view) then he will not be able to feel anything at all if you are stroking it - but he will imagine it and it will blow his mind. Any exposed parts will become hyper-sensitive, so touching them or poking/licking… you name it - will drive him the best kind of crazy.  

- Kissing:  It’s the fastest way to turn him on and he’ll never turn it down. Even  though he knows his cock is going to ache because it can’t get hard, he  loves to kiss. For added heat, hold his cage / balls while kissing.

- Body contact: Make him worship your body – This is an absolute must when he’s locked  up. He craves your body. He craves you. Have him worship it. Have him  kiss you all over. Have him give you a massage.

- Nipple play: men’s nipples are almost 5x more sensitive than female nipples. With his cock locked, his nipples will heighten in sensitivity further. You may have even noticed they stiffen or harden more quickly or for longer than usual. Play with them by using nipple clamps, clothespins or even just by pinching and squeezing. Be careful, some locked males have been known to cum from just nipple play alone!

- Shower with him: Ask him to rub lotion on you or whatever you prefer. Being locked naked with you in the shower will blow his mind. - ‘Have and Hold’: If you want to unlock him as part of teasing, a fun one is to make him stand next to the bed or across the room, and unlock the cage. Once the cage is off, he is not allowed to touch his cock. He will almost certainly get hard. You carry on with reading or whatever you were doing and tell him to inform you when he has gone soft. Make the odd comment and watch to see how easily you can make him react. As soon as he is soft, tell him to relock the cage.

- Anal play: You may know that men have a P-spot near their prostate which is similar to the female G-spot, although most hetersexual males never use it. My husband is not into anal play, so I don’t have much experience there, but there are some incredible resources out there if it’s your cup of tea!

- Finally, if you want to play with his cock while unlocked as part of teasing, I’ll drop some notes on the ‘Release’ over here. Focus on edging and the touchless release (if you really want to give him a treat). Remember - teasing means no cumming. A little bit every day or every couple of days will form the foundation of your chastity play!                                           

Basic Keyholder Rules                                           

At the start of the first lockup, you need to set rules. Writing them down and send them to him on email or text message is the easiest. That way he has them at all times. And send them to him at work while he’s locked and you will really get him squirming! Or you can inform him in person. These are your rules and are not a discussion - he has asked you to be the keyholder, so he must play by your rules or you call the whole thing off.                                           

The most typical rules for keyholders are as simple as this:                                  

The Wife can choose the chastity device.                                           

It’s not called a cock or penis or whatever when it’s locked. Come up with a name for his locked cock. Tell him that is what it is called from now on. The most common name is  'nub’, so feel free to use that. And it’s 'your’ nub, your balls etc, not his. Make sure he gets that right.                                           

The Wife will hold the keys to the chastity device and will not make them accessible to the Husband.                                           

The Wife decides when the Husband will be unlocked, allowed and erection, or allowed release. Separate the concept of 'unlock= orgasm or'unlock=erection’. In most cases it’s none of those.                                          

The Husband will not ask for release and there will be no discussions about chastity unless the Wife brings it up. Infringements can be extending lockup or some other forfeit ;)                                           

Chastity play will not intrude into the Wife’s daily life or restrict her own sexual satisfaction.                                           

The couple will give chastity a try for at least 3 months. First timers should lockup for 3 weeks at least and then evaluate / discuss. The keyholder does not have to (and should not) tell the planned release date. Keep him guessing.

That’s it: give it a go!                                           

Give it a shot! You don’t have anything to lose, it may add a new level  of intimacy to your relationship, and you will have a lot of fun doing  it. I promise. Show your love to your husband, have sex freely and  frequently, tease him, be playful and enjoy each other. The only thing  you need to do is control is his ejaculations. Getting comfortable with  male chastity can be challenging at first but it won’t be long until it  becomes a normal everyday component of your relationship. Having talked  to many women, the most common regret was that they didn’t start male chastity much earlier!

Or maybe, if I can go until Valentine’s Day without asking for the key, you’ll keep me locked until March 14th! (Which is known as…?)