Faunlet!Peter:

lose my faith x graham coxon

*very very angsty*

warning: lil bit of unwanted touching, alcohol, and abuse 

https://youtu.be/Chcy9K6ywjA this song inspired this <3

i hate the way i love too look at him why can't i see he doesn't need me. he only needs cigarettes and alcohol. he needed the things that make him numb, but i was not that. i made him feel things he told me. i made him feel the things he is scared of the most. id look at him but i couldn't see the man i once knew, the one with sparkling puppy eyes, art supplies always colorful, and a humming a pretty tune. now all i can see is dull droopy eyes, red and puffy, colorless art with scary undertones, and the hum of tune sounding like radiohead. 

sitting in this room by myself was torture. bruises littered my legs and scratches on my arms.

they always tell me to get help, get out of something so toxic. but i knew he loved me deep down. the only part of him that didn’t love me was the alcohol.

i heard a light knock on the door, i knew he had sobered up. when he was still drunk the knocks would be bangs. the door was locked so i crept up from my corner in the room to let him in.

light peaked through the door as i had shut out all the lights in the room. the only light other than the hall was the haunting 3am moonlight.

his hair was messy and eyes lidded. he had just stopped stomping around the house, throwing anything in reach.

as he came in he fell into my shoulder. his head dropped low to my level. i could smell the poison on his lips. i felt his body jolt, i knew he was crying.

i walked him over to the bed to let him down. i took off his shoes then his jacket, i did this at least 4 times a week.

but i loved him and would do anything for him.

“you won’t leave me, right?” he said in a broken raspy voice, “i’ll get better, i promise”

i didn’t know how to respond, how many times could i hear him say he’d get better yet still see no change.

“just lay down” i whispered.

i knew he had a big gig tomorrow and i was just hoping it would go different this time. 

          𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁𐄙𐄁    

before we sat in the car we were at grahams gig at princess charlotte, a crowd full of beautiful strangers. at the gig we sat in the green room, graham wasn't in the room. he stepped out to use the bathroom while i was sat with his band mate damon. he held a cigarette between his fingers, and was looking at my legs. 

“what happened to you” he said in his mockney voice as he pointed to my bruises.

i felt my face loose all color, i wasn't sure what to say. 

“eh, we all fall over when we're drunk” he laughed. i felt a wave of relief and just in time as graham walked in. he already had a bottle in hand as he strolled over. he wrapped his arm around my waist, any other time it would feel nice. but now i feel scared that he will do something that will show damon what's going on and that he will take graham away from me.

as the rest of the members came in graham and i hid in the back on the couch. he kept looking at me and i soon saw damon catch on. 

“stop” i whispered as graham started to grab my leg.

“oh have some fun” he said, but it wasn't him. it wasn’t my graham.

damon looked over with worried eyes, just faked smiled slightly. graham noticed and shook his head. 

“you got smthin for D now too” he slurred.

“graham-” i wishperd once again.

“no tell me, i know you don't want me. i'm a drunk piece of shit” he stood up and looked down on me. i felt small as i looked up at him. 

damon stood up, i could tell he was starting to get worried also.

“boys its time to go on stage” a man spoke into the room.

graham looked back at me as he walked away, damon did the same. but their eyes were not the same. 

they did great up on stage, the first hour of him being drunk was always him being light and fun. but now its been two hours and he's tired and dissacocated.

we had just got into the car after the gig. i turned my head to face the window as i couldn't stand looking at him. i tried to watch the rain but it's hard to see through the tears in my eyes. he was the reason i was crying, he did this every time.

he’d fight me for the keys to the car no matter how much a told him no. but if i didn’t he’d hurt me. but it was only when he was drunk that he’d touch me like that. otherwise he was gentle and made me feel like the luckiest women in the world.

the rain started to get faster and louder. then i saw the trees were starting to speed up. i looked to graham worried, he had a straight face. i looked at the speed we were almost going 100mph.

“slow down why are you rushing” i said starting to panic.

“shut up” 

“what-” i whispered as a felt my throat start to ache with ever waiting tears.

“just shut the fuck up” he said the vile, scary sentence in such a monotone voice.

our arguments always ended up like this, him yelling me crying. he was always in control when he was in this state of mind he was always the one yelling. i was always so submissive and felt as though i couldn't fight back, i was too weak. 

the whole ride was a horror show and it felt like i death trip. we pulled into the drive way of our appertment. i started to feel a bit more scared, i didnt want to be alone with him again. 

he turned off the car and sat still for a minute looking foward, i stared at him. he started to rub his eyes and hair. 

“whats wrong with me?” he said in a broken voice, “why cant i just get better” 

i watched as a tear ran down his face, it broke me. his crying was always so meaningful. i was one of the only person who ever saw it, he didnt like show his weakness infront of others. 

“im not sure graham, i really do miss you, the real you. the one who dosent hurt me the way this graham does” 

for the first time in weeks he looked up at me in the eyes, they were so dull so colorless. but for the first time in a while i saw a sparkle. 

“lets just go inside” 

as we walked in i went straight to our room, him following after. he layed down and i took his shoes off for him. i came into bed and after a minute of laying there he knocked out. my tears came out then, i miss him so much. we keep doing this every night. i want him back but i cant listen to him say he wants to get better every night. its getting too hard. i miss him so much. 

▫ headcanon

····-> "roadtrip with graham"

-> grem coxon and u

-> it mentions nudity! :P slight nsfw moments.

it is what it is... lol. i was inspired by an edit on insta :D ... made by @thtotska i reckon

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- you'd both go nowhere. graham is mostly guided by your old map and sometimes asks a passerby for directions; an old-fashioned way, you could say. but it makes this trip special, it describes neatly its essence. nothing else mattered but you both, and that feeling was lost for a couple years now. it was a great idea graham came up with, you thought... just go away for a while, no planning, rules or steps to follow.

- watching graham drive, in silence or not. you do loads of that on the road.

- it's nice to see him lean over the window when there's no cars around and he can ease up for a bit. the outline of his cheeks and jaw are delicately highlighted by the sunlight, he quickly takes off his glasses and places them on his thigh, to get a better feeling of the outside. you palm your cheeks at how endearing he looks with eyes closed shut for a couple seconds, and to his shy smile when the wind goes through his hair; he blinks shortly and looks like a dream. he always did... but you get those feelings suddently and they shake you quite marvelously. his peach lips mouth the words you both know so well to this one song so effortlessly, he warms you both into a dance with the stars hidden in daylight... it looks like a sample of pure perfection. how the poor, sad world wished to be. he does all that unaware of his charm and capacity to knock you down, and that makes him even more unbelievable. it'd be plausible to wake up from a dream after this. as soon as his head is back in the car, you fix your spine quickly and try to act like your world wasn't shaken.

- he taps along to whatever tune you choose to play and he silent laughs, followed by "sing, dearie..." to you, when you openly feel embarrassed of knowing the entire lyrics of some ordinary power pop you've known for years. but he knows... he knows, deep down, that his dear loves to sing. and you know he loves to hear it. you guys like to flirt even stablished. :)

- "i'll sing if you sing."

- "ok. i like that."

- stopping by a hidden diner at night, you both starved for some kind of meal or proper food that isn't another cheap butter biscuit that's meant to go with tea. graham orders the biggest sandwiches the place offers... how smart. he had to push food in after his hunger was over, while you watched and laughed your arse off. "don't laugh... it hurts." he mutters, with a mouthful and sad eyes. you can't really stop laughing, but you hold his arm and pet his hands in empathy. "sorry, gra... you look like a squirrel in the winter... fuck-" you launch into another laugh... (🐿️ - this man) after his feast, he feels rather tired. you decide to sleep on front of the diner. you make use of your "get comfortable" skills, that are usually very welcome on situations like this. you cover the backseat with big blankets and place two pillows for each. graham doesn't let you finish and hops in the car, kicking his sneakers off and rolling around to find a position. you'd complain if he wasn't so drained.

- "graham, just... move to the side a bit, love...?"

- you had to move him. gently, of course, he was already asleep. your hands wrap around his waist from the back and you touch your head on his neck, even breathing silently so you wouldn't wake him up. you were overly careful with him.

- there was a time you aimed for something, loosely, but you did; somewhere nice with a lake. passing your fingertips on the many lines of your map, you find a lake in a close distance and squeal, excited.

- "oh god, no need to deafen the driver."

- his mood soon improved as you pointed him the way, still jumping on your seat with the great luck. he loves seeing you excited, shaking your head and laughing at his dumb comments about deafening him. he likes how beautiful you look while singing even louder because of this lake. he divides his attention on the road and you, really. the lake isn't so far anymore... you open your door even before graham properly parks and you just run to it, stripping on your way.

- the great feeling of the water soaking your hair... the sun eventually peeps through your eyelids, but you shrugg it off as graham holds you in his arms, uncovered waist underwater and a lost gaze on the drops of water on your fresh skin. all the bumps and curves on your body seemed perfectly put, lovingly planned, even though you couldn't see that yourself sometimes. he could drool right there. a goddess, he told himself with vehemence. a beautiful goddess, nude, sultry body with a gorgeous smile to the feeling of all of her muscles relaxing on this empty and remote lake, settled and reliant on such a plain man, looking at her intimidating body and trying not to faint. he held your shoulders and your lower back with much care from now on; he took care of a goddess, nothing less than that. sometimes, he gets those lapses of intense love and can't seem to wash it off... he hates how dumb he looks while holding you and helping you float.

- "what's wrong, gray?"

- "nothing, dear, i'm just... i'm fine."

- graham couldn't wash it off. even after cleaning up and finding a motel to sleep over. he seats on the slightly cranky bed and stares at you in the shower... he was more than entertained. you noticed him staring carefully at you and biting his lip a couple moments before... he couldn't see your eyes looking back at him because of the steam, but you saw his shimmering eyes and restless figure quite well.

- after you leave the shower, graham quickly turns the old tele on and acts like he was looking at it the hole time. you walk slowly to him, with a towel still arond you, and sit close to his hips. he immediately fixes his posture and looks at you in a way that gave him away completely. (who else losing their rags m8ts)

- "why are you staring like that?"

- "i'm not staring in any way...!"

- "yes, you are..." he can't reply as soon as you run your fingers down his chest, with his breathing soon picking up the pace. "... i saw you looking at me, you know?"

- "you did?" he whispers carefully, but a tiny grin decides to come out.

- "i did. it's almost like you want something, or am i wrong...?" you palm the side of his cheek gently and look closely to his lips. you can see his hands grabbing and twisting the sheets under you.

- "... you're not wrong."

- you didn't have much sleep that night. (rag lost fellas)

- graham brought his acoustic guitar and played it when you stopped in a roadside just for a break. he plucks the strings for random sounds for long minutes; it feels like a mellow meditation. the notes are predictable, yet, it's good to hear all of them and make your thoughts a bit more real. you hum along to one of his 'secret songs', the ones he came up with and showed nobody else but you. he loved to know that you remember all of the secret songs and their eccentric touches. he helps you with hums as well, and you end up leaning your head on his shoulder and hugging his back, while letting him sing the lyrics and whatever he wants. such a great idea.

- :)

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milk maid honey

A walk in the park

•the streetlamps only flicker when you're under them

•has that lake always been there?

•you pass the playground

•the swing is moving

•there is no wind

•keep walking

•you hear a sound from the treea

•you resist the urge to run

•it only takes the ones who run

•keep walking

•you pass the playground

•the air grows cold

•you can see your breath

•a branch snaps behind you

•keep walking

•a streetlamp flickers in front of you

•count the shadows

•keep walking

•keep walking

okay