This Just Got Posted To A Discord I'm On & My First Thought Was, "ah Yes, For @elodieunderglass."

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

Do you have any suggestions for something easy-challenging to bake? Like something that's sure to turn out if I follow all the steps, but that's more complex than "stir all the ingredients together and pour into the pan."

I have access to a food processor, a 40 y/o sunbeam stand mixer (no bread hooks), your basic baking dishes, no spring form pan, a maybe 10" cast iron skillet, and a 4qt Dutch oven with a [confusingly, glass] lid that's heat safe up to 400°F.

Leave all that with me for a bit, OK? This week has been logistically challenging for one reason or another (yeah, this situation's part of that...) and the normal workflow has been suffering.

Meanwhile, though, I have to mention this (even though you don't have a springform pan), as I don't think I've ever baked so good a cake that was this simple to put together. In fact it's almost exactly the inverse of what you're asking for, but it is really REALLY good. ... I'd be entirely tempted to try baking it in a paper-lined loaf pan with a paper sling: or else in two lined cake pans with a slightly shorter baking time. (Or, you know what? The dutch oven. Line it with paper and butter everything in sight.)

Anyway, this cake—

Nigella.com

Chocolate Guinness Cake

This cake is magnificent in its damp blackness. I can't say that you can absolutely taste the stout in it, but there is certainly a resonant

I was frankly stunned by how simple it was to throw it together. (I mixed the damn thing in a saucepan.) ...Obviously the issue of substitutions comes up for those who don't have access to Guinness, or don't want to use it. In this cake's case I would seriously consider simply swapping in an equal volume of black coffee. The final result is exquisitely choco-squidgy, and I don't imagine that added mocha overtones would be a problem.

(sighing) Something to try next week, when—please gods—things around here have calmed down a little. Meanwhile, I've got your query nailed up here safe where I know where to find it. Leave the question with me and I'll get back to you. 🙂

(...seriously, though, look at this thing! This is without any question the darkest chocolate cake I've ever baked. I'm not sure the photo does it justice.)

Share to save someone with nut allergies a hospital trip hoooly shit

Yesterday was the first reading of the Treaty Principles Bill and it passed. It is one of the most disgusting pieces of legislation to ever be introduced, it is racist and another act of colonial violence.

Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, is the youngest MP since 1853 in Aotearoa's parliament, she is from Te Pāti Māori (Māori party) and is the MP for the Hauraki-Waikato electorate. Know her name, she has faced so much discrimination and violence especially since campaigning and continues to lead with power. She ripped up this disgusting bill and started a haka. The House was suspended after.

This is what the haka is. This is why us Māori do it.

I am so glad we have an opposition with a proud young wahine Māori like her. That we have a whole opposition who STOOD up in solidarity with Māori or who joined in this haka, MPs from Labour, Green, and Te Pāti Māori joined in.

Other MPs were kicked out, a very senior politician here, Willie Jackson was kicked out for rightly so calling Seymour a liar. And this haka is being called inappropriate by the right. It is not. You can't call the haka inappropriate only when it has brown bodies doing it as an act against colonial violence.

Fuck Seymour and as Rawiri Waititi said, see you next Tuesday. Ake ake ake!

which one of u was going to tell me that tea tastes different if u put it in hot water?

A little boy just looked at me and went “woah! That girl is so tall!! I didn’t know girls could get that tall!” To his grandpa.

Grandpa talked to him about how he had tall women in his family and how pretty tall girls are and the boy said he should ask me out 💀 so grandpa was like “she’s probably already married”

Listening to this exchange was so cute and so gender affirming bc not once did either of them imply I was actually a man I’m gonna cry this was so sweet.

I’m all scratched up and I can still taste spray paint in my mouth and my husband almost fell out of a tree BUT THE GHOST SCULPTURES ARE FINISHED!

They’re finally finished and I’m so happy with them!!

Some progress shots:

As someone who’s reported alt-right harassment and rhetoric on various social media sites and been told “there’s nothing here that violates our TOS,” seeing what RPGnet is doing is a welcome breath of fresh air.

Please, more social media sites need to do this.

really good tiktok

Transcript:

Girl, just do it fat. Don’t wait until you’ve lost enough weight. You’re worthy of taking up the space that you fill. Live your life now. Don’t wait for some future version of yourself that you think will be more deserving. You have every right to pursue your passions and dreams just as you are today. Your worth isn’t tied to a number on a scale or the size of your clothes; it is inherent in who you are. You’re allowed to be seen, heard, and celebrated in whatever body you inhabit right now. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you for too long. So go out. Do it fat! Wear the clothes you love, pursue the opportunities that excite you, and live unapologetically. There’s no reason to put off living the life that you want, waiting for a moment that you’re not even sure will come. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled just as you are, and the world needs you exactly as you are today. Everything good that has ever happened to you, happened in this body. Girl, just do it fat.

The last sentence is everything.

What I was taught growing up: Wild edible plants and animals were just so naturally abundant that the indigenous people of my area, namely western Washington state, didn't have to develop agriculture and could just easily forage/hunt for all their needs.

The first pebble in what would become a landslide: Native peoples practiced intentional fire, which kept the trees from growing over the camas praire.

The next: PNW native peoples intentionally planted and cultivated forest gardens, and we can still see the increase in biodiversity where these gardens were today.

The next: We have an oak prairie savanna ecosystem that was intentionally maintained via intentional fire (which they were banned from doing for like, 100 years and we're just now starting to do again), and this ecosystem is disappearing as Douglas firs spread, invasive species take over, and land is turned into European-style agricultural systems.

The Land Slide: Actually, the native peoples had a complex agricultural and food processing system that allowed them to meet all their needs throughout the year, including storing food for the long, wet, dark winter. They collected a wide variety of plant foods (along with the salmon, deer, and other animals they hunted), from seaweeds to roots to berries, and they also managed these food systems via not only burning, but pruning, weeding, planting, digging/tilling, selectively harvesting root crops so that smaller ones were left behind to grow and the biggest were left to reseed, and careful harvesting at particular times for each species that both ensured their perennial (!) crops would continue thriving and that harvest occurred at the best time for the best quality food. American settlers were willfully ignorant of the complex agricultural system, because being thus allowed them to claim the land wasn't being used. Native peoples were actively managing the ecosystem to produce their food, in a sustainable manner that increased biodiversity, thus benefiting not only themselves but other species as well.

So that's cool. If you want to read more, I suggest "Ancient Pathways, Ancestral Knowledge: Ethnobotany and Ecological Wisdom of Indigenous Peoples of Northwestern North America" by Nancy J. Turner