Frankly, I'm Of The Opinion That If Shadow Is The Only Person Silver's Around (and Shadow's Probably

become best friends with your ten year old self im so fucking serious

I don't know why I feel the need to share this, maybe it's because it's been on my mind and it's 2:41 am and it's currently the "time is sludge... Again" part of the insomniac experience, but I want to talk about this. (This talks about my experience with happy stimming under the cut)

It was several years ago when I saw this comic of someone's happy stimming. She, like, waves her arms around and builds up this lovely yellow hue, and it's sparkly and then she expels all of it as at once and- it's truly a wonderful comic. I don't know where it is now. But it really captures the right feeling. And it was so cool... But I was kind of... I feel bad using strong words like "mortified" but that's the best way to say it.

Because Stimming was one of the many, MANY things I have in common with our lovely autistic community. And we're entering a world where people are starting to be able to be who we are and act how we feel, and I knew from the moment I saw it, that something was wrong. I didn't have a happy stim.

Most people who stim are forced to stop because humans are so bad at appreciating the abnormal, and that never happened to me. I'm lucky! But I didn't have a happy stim. And I knew I was supposed to. I immediately knew that. Knew it about me, me as a person. I knew it. There was a hole in me that was taken and I didn't know why! And it was terrifying.

And I kept thinking, And and I kept digging.

I knew about physical stims. With your hands and your feet and your hair. Most of my stims were those. I'd bounce my leg under a table, I tap the pads of my fingers together with my thumb if I was a specific kind of anxious, I move the bones in my wrists back to where they're supposed to be to try and fix things instinctually.

All of those were to get less anxious though. And my mother was always so open to things like that. So willing to learn about every diagnosis and piece of information that needed researching.

I knew about vocal stims. While most people were forced to stop for more crummy society reasons, that wasn't the case for me. I just... Didn't have any? I enjoy talking, I enjoy singing but they weren't... That comic. They didn't have the yellow feel-good-ness. They didn't have The thing.

I like swinging on swingsets. The momentum is nice. I think that counts as a stim but I usually did it to help, wouldn't-cha know it, anxiety. Help me sleep at night. It wasn't the thing.

In my house, you didn't listen to songs on repeat. My mother would lose it. You didn't loop songs in the car, it'd drive her batty. She'd probably have a panic attack. So I never thought of it as a thing? It didn't occur to me. When I got my own pair of headphones, I wouldn't drive her crazy by listening to anything on loop, I could go forever if I wanted. But I didn't. It wasn't a thing and I was apprehensive about it, that's not a thing we do. Don't to it. Even when my mind got loud about playing things on loop, I tried not to let it overcome me. That's not a thing. People don't do that. And I'd long since settled with the dismal answer of never knowing what the stim was. I hadn't even thought of checking because sounds like asmr hurt like sandpaper on my brain.

But recently, I don't know, something changed? I reeeally needed to hear this song again. So I went to the instrumental. And it was great there. I went to the vocal only, it was just the goodest sound. I went to covers and back and eventually I just let it play. I really let it smoosh into my head and memorized the instruments and felt them. It was like following a groove in a table by tracing your finger across it. It was just. The thing. I actually lost sleep because I was enjoying myself so much. I was so happy!

I talked with my mother about it. "I dunno, I really really wanted to hear that song over and over? it has a BAGPIPE in the second verse! Who wouldn't want to hear that!?"

"yeah, I could never do that. I guess my misophonia is too strong for that."

It was so eye opening. Misophonia. It was her misophonia, she'd never used that word before. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. Listening to this song on loop isn't bad, it's just a me thing.

And that's when I realized that I'd found the thing. I'd finally found my happy stim. I've decided to not cry about it, but this was such wonderful news. It's needlessly specific, and I don't know why my kid mind had labed "no looping" as Gospel? I mean there's a button for it and everything. But it's my thing.

I may never have some visible stim that people will see but I have my thing and I'm so beyond society possibly judging me.

I am on ADD meds, have overstimulation issues, anxiety, truly frightening physical disabilities I fight all beneath the surface. And I play the songs that have the thing about them on loop for five hours at a time. And I think I love me for it.

Whoever you are, you're you. You're more you than anyone else. That is something beautiful. You like Fanfic, go for it! You like art? Go for it! You like flapping your hands? Go for it! You like judging Disney for its questionable decisions as of late? Try not to kill them too much. They only mostly deserve it.

Being you is a gift that you should cherish, and reward yourself by being you. Not someone else.

For those that read this whole thing, the song in question is I've Had Enough of You from Billie Bust Up, a video game musical that's currently in development. Listen to all the stuff that's out so far, every song I've heard knocks it out of the park. Listen to it on loop if you want! I think we've established that listening to songs on loop does not, in fact, summon Satan.

Happy Stimming! (why does that sound like a holiday now?)

I definitely had a serious struggle switching from Wattpad, where people seemed to constantly care about your fic and you a lot to ao3 where everything about it was better and bigger and more professional...

But no one seemed to care.

Even if they did care, it didn't feel like it because I was never given any feedback. And if I'm going to be perfectly honest, the crisis of not knowing whether the hundreds of hours I've spent on something actually positively affected people is hitting me all over again. And it feels a lot like the isolation of quarantine leaking into my escape circles. Except this time, I sunk hours and hours and my whole heart into trying to reach out and enjoy things with others only for the response to be silence.

No one reblogs on tumblr anymore.

No one leaves comments on Ao3 anymore.

Seriously people the lack of fandom interaction these days makes me genuinely depressed, it never used to be like this, makes me wonder what's the point of coming online to do anything anymore.

Reblog a post so other people can see it.

Leave a comment so the author doesn't feel like giving up.

Fandom cannot live on Likes or Kudos alone.

update: the reason my house flooded (someone broke a sewer pipe) isn't the only reason. Apparently there's at least 8 different houses in my neighborhood that got hit with water damage one way or another. The city is gonna have a fun time trying to pay for all that.

Still. My house is up there in terms of the who suffered the most severely from this game.

So... My house flooded. At least my basement, where my room is.

I'm not going to go into details, because Internet privacy and all that, but the fanfics I'm working on, I'll either publish faster, or much, much, slower. I'll do my best to keep you updated :(

IF YOU ARE A SONIC FANARTIST!

Ok, so I WAS going to contact artists individually and privately, but that was before I realized there would be literally hundreds of artists.

The Youtube channel Super Hedgehog Bros is reposting and monetizing art from HUNDREDS of Sonic artists. In 3 videos alone, all posted within the last week, they have used art from over 100 artists. Their channel is monetized, they are making money from views.

100 artists from 3 videos. The channel has over 400 videos posted. They have over 60k subscribers.

If you're a Sonic artist, especially if you make comics, and you don't want your work reposted for someone else's monetary gain then you should probably have a look and consider if you want to do a copyright claim. Maybe let your friends know too, if you know they care about this sort of thing.

It's literally impossible for me to contact everyone about this, I just need to hope this post finds at least some of the people it matters to!

I'm posting this now cuz I'm getting a surgery first thing in the morning, and recovering from that will have me all out of whack, so here's something to chew on while I remember how to move!

Only Iblis ones. Hence the lack of obnoxious purple Lazer Llizards.

I'm reading a simplified version of Journey to the West (Chinese mythology that created the Monkey King) and I'm having so much fun with it. Chinese isn't my first language, so the version I'm using tries its best to keep the vocab to a 1200 word limit. The goal being to help people improve their reading. And it's totally working, but the real intriguing part is the story.

The story is just so engaging and funny, and the characters, as flawed as they are, are really endearing. Like, it's clear why this thing became Chinese mythology in the first place.

But because it's written in an easier way to read, my brain puts into a "kind of made for kids" category, and having that mindset makes the things I'm reading all the crazier and more hilarious.

Like, of all the things I expected to read in my second language, this was not one of them. 😂

Fandom: God there’s like NO content anymore. I wish we could get more art and fanfics :(((

Someone: Hey, I can’t draw anything digitally, because I can’t afford a tablet, but here’s a pen on paper drawing that I spent a lot of time and hard work on. Also, I took a shot at my first fanfic and I’d really like some feedback or at least some kudos if you enjoyed it :)

Fandom: Oh... yeah sorry no... not you. We actually meant writers that are already well known and popular to produce MORE content... I mean, if a popular blog shares your work then maybe. And we don’t really like pen to paper art. We just don’t think it’s professional or even looks good :/

“If you promise to stay alive just a little bit longer I promise that we are going to make this world a place worth living in by any means necessary. I ain’t giving up. I swear.” 

Spotted in Clackamas, Oregon