Life Is About Getting Through The Day Without Crying

Chotronette ‘Riz à l’impératrice’ & ‘Forest Fondant’ Haute Couture Gowns

Where the strength to be alive comes from?

I often see so many people being so happy about their lives. I was speaking to a friend whom called me morbid for talking about my wish for the death, and she was emphatic about how much she desires to have a long life, how many plans and goals she has for all those years of her life and how much she wanted to die at very old age.

The things is: I don't have that. I could die today, I wish I had died a long time ago, I never wanted a long life, I never wanted to pass my 30s and I often wonder WHERE people find all this will to be alive? Why do they want to live so much? What is so nice and happy about their life that makes them want to have a long life? I don't get it. I wish I did but I don't.

All I want is to all this pain to be over as soon as possible, and this painfull sensation that being alive causes me. I don't have joy or any desire about life that could even make me dream about dying at old age. I want to be gone as soon as possible.

At this point I guess it is important to comment I'm not talking about ending it all myself, I'm only wishing I don't have much more life spam around.

Take all the time you need, we give you our full support! If you need to rant about anything there are always people available, and if you dont have an open ear to talk to my dms are always open! Try to not beat yourself up too much for taling a break, those who dont have the patience are inconsiderate and shouldn't have the right to read your work anyway, stay safe and remember we're all here for you :)

Thank you so so much for this💕 to know that there are supportive people like you and everyone else is really reassuring. It’s amazing to have such support and it’s made me feel so wonderful and warm☺️❤️❤️

✧・ﾟ:*Today’s magical girl of the afternoon is: Prisma Illya from Fate/kaleid liner Prisma☆Illya✧・ﾟ:*

ouch

You hate yourself so loudly. You hate yourself at the top of your lungs. Your loathing for yourself permeates your speech. “Sorry I’m just rambling.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Just ignore me.” “Sorry if I’m annoying you.” “Sorry I don’t make sense.” “Sorry about that.” Sorry, sorry, sorry. You act as if you have to beat everyone else to the punch. As if the punching bag is you. If you hate yourself first, if you hate yourself loudest, then nobody will hurt you. You clapped your hands over your ears and shut your eyes and balled yourself up so that you’d never have to experience people’s loathing for you. And it meant you never heard their love. You drowned it out. You screamed your hatred over it. And you never got to hear it. 

There is a long time since the last time I did anything recklessly. Since I can remember I have something, some problem, some idea, anything that I might have to deal with, occupying my mind and taking me from the things I like to do. Hobbies, I mean.

However, lately, thanks to quarantine, I've been able to do this things. I've been watching many movies, which might seem normal but I didn't used to do as much since I was too worried about getting enough sleep, working out, going to college, getting my driver's license and all of those ordinary things. I have, also, started to read a book or two, didn't finish any - you see, reading on the internet era is a little bit complicated. I've been definitely taking better care of myself. My self-esteem, my health, my relation with my family.

I found myself to be so deeply immerse on my daily life problems that I forgot how to be a living been, I was so worried about being "healthy", getting good grades this semester and doing my best to eventually have a future that I forgot about the present.

This quarantine has been - at least for myself - quite good. I've been more self conscious, could realize how I was without knowing suffering from an ED, could realize how my mom can be here now but since she is older might not be in here for much longer (let's give some 25years), could realize how your plans for the future might not happen and how you should find a way to enjoy what you have and what you can for sure have. I don't know, even if everything changes somehow, even if my plans of 6 months ago don't happen, I know, today, that I can adapt, I can change the course of my life and always be a new and better me. All I need to do is stop and look at myself.

Long time no see

This just made easier to say: I have no idea what I am doing

So long, so gone

What have you been doing all this time? Did you learn anything new? Did you try anything new? Did you live or survived? 

Maybe we should all really try harder -not on the emotional meaning of course-- but on the physical and rational way, go for it, try it, risk it.