The First Funny Bitch Was Cain, Who Straight Up Lied To God After Killing His Brother.

I yelled at God today.

This morning, I woke up PISSED. Before going to bed, I had gone on a massive twitter rant about this whole “Make Rape Legal” rally nonsense going on. And I couldn’t let it go. Like, this was really eating at me. This morning, I yelled at God. I wasn’t mad at Him. I was so frustrated and bitter and angry with this world, and the people in it. I was so done with humanity and everything we’ve created. 

This happens every morning. If it’s not a pro-rape rally, it’s a black kid shot by police. It’s protesters at Planned Parenthood. It’s a mass shooting in a school or a theatre. It’s Trump. It’s murdered and missing Aboriginal women in Canada. It’s human trafficking. It’s refugees dying at sea. It’s terrorist attacks. It’s casual racism and sexism on facebook. It’s thousands of children dying of hunger. It’s capitalism. It’s imperialism and colonialism. It’s everything. Every day. I wake up PISSED every morning because of this wretched, broken, messed up world we live in. This wretched, broken, messed up world we MADE. 

I asked God, “how am I supposed to have joy and peace in the midst of these atrocities and injustices?” I knew that I wasn’t supposed to have this rancor and vitriol rooted in my soul. I know that this bitter, hateful, black feeling inside me is not of God. But I knew that I was outraged for the right reasons. I know that I am angry because of all the evil in the world. So why does my reaction feel so antithetical to my calling? Why can’t I help but have the feeling that I am destroying myself from the inside out? My heart is in the right place, right? I love people, so I’m outraged at their mistreatment. So why is this love stealing my peace and my joy? Why does my love feel like hate? 

I asked God this. I said to Him, “are you angry like me? Is your heart breaking like mine?” And He said, “Katherine, my heart breaks for the victims AND the perpetrators. I weep for lives taken and souls lost, no matter who they are.” 

See, my problem is that I say I love people, but I don’t actually love all people. My love only extends about as far as my personal code of ethics deems people worthy of love. I love the victims, and I forget to love the perpetrators. I love the oppressed and I forget to love the oppressor. I love the innocent and I forget to love the guilty. 

Funny, right? Cause I am the guilty. We’re all the guilty. Jesus died for rape victims AND the rapists. And I think I love people but it’s only when God shows me the hatred I harbour in my heart that I realize that I don’t know how to love people at all. 

Somehow, I bought the lie that hate is the right response to hate. Somewhere along the way, my love was hijacked and twisted and corrupted into hate, and I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t understand why I was so tortured all the time. I thought that hate was strong and love was weak. So I hated the people inflicting injustice and I thought I was doing something about it. 

I forgot that love already did it. I forgot that it’s already done. I forgot that Jesus said “It is finished.” I let the enemy steal my peace and my joy because I forgot what real love looks like. 

So when I yelled at God today, and I said “what am I supposed to do?!” He told me to love. 

Which was much more revolutionary to me than one might expect. :P 

The greater good is exactly the size of a single human life. The greater good is no greater than the well-being of the lowest member of society. To sacrifice any human for the greater good is to sacrifice the greater good itself.

January 1st Reflections

Welcome to 2014 everybody. I know that the beginning of a new year is always a time for nostalgia and a time for optimism. It creates a fresh start for those who feel that they may need one. And I do understand the wonder when the clock strikes midnight and you start Day 1 of 365. 

But I would like to remind you that this is simply another 365 days. It's another circle 'round the sun. It's the beginning of a new calendar, which is a socially constructed method of keeping track of our planet's rotations, determined largely by greek rulers ages and ages ago. 

There is nothing magic about the new year. The single second that makes the difference in the date has no power whatsoever. The gravity you ascribe to the new year is entirely in your head. New beginnings have nothing to do with the date and everything to do with you. 

You can start over any second of any day of any month. You can quit anything, drop everything, pick up and leave. You can switch your major or your school or your career path. You can change anything at all about your life and you don't have to wait for the perfect time to do it. Firstly because there is no time like the present and secondly because there is no guarantee that the perfect time will even happen. 

If you want to lose 10 pounds, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to get your finances in order, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to fix relationships, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to reinvent your image, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to learn something new, start RIGHT NOW. If you want to develop your character, start RIGHT NOW. 

Nothing is to be accomplished by waiting. New Year's resolutions are so seldom fulfilled because too much emphasis is placed on the circumstances of the resolution and too little is placed on the conviction behind the resolution. 

The magic is in you. Not in the day. 

Kinda urgent (tho it may not sound it) I'm trans and I watched some videos saying bein trans is a sin. This disturbed me deeply. I'm afraid what if God wants me to stop my transition, or else I won't be able to be with him. If thats what Jesus meant by picking up my cross? I don't want to stop transition at all but I don't want to go against Him either. I'm scared and confused. I don't want to think my gender identity is a temptation from Satan since it's so deeply who I am. (1/2)

(2/2) I feel so distraught and like my world is coming apart. I feel distant from God and fearful of Him rather than knowing His love. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do or how to reconcile my gender identity with Him. It’s making me question my faith, when all I want is to be close to God. I know this may not sound urgent but it’s destroying me inside and I don’t know why. Do you have any thoughts on this whole thing? I’m sorry if this is a bother or not seemingly urgent.

Hi there, anon. I’m sorry those videos shook you so much – I’ve been there. It’s sucks, but it’s okay. You’re okay.

First off, I promise that God loves you so, so deeply. And God made you how you are. Jesus came that we might have fullness of life, not to make us live in fear or so that we might continue to live under the chains of social norms. Because the gender binary is a social norm – and we are called not to conform to the world but to be transformed in Christ.

God does not set ultimatums that force us to chop off pieces of ourselves, or squeeze ourselves into boxes that don’t fit, in order to live with God. This post has a quote from a womanist theologian on how God calls us to wholeness, and what that means for LGBT+ Christians in particular. And here is a post with a string of tweets that show how God loves us as we are – rather than saying, “In order to love you, I must make you into something else,” God says, “I receive you as you are – and I come to help you become your fullest, truest self.”

With all of the above information – that God comes to affirm our fullest selves – we do need to take the concept of carrying the cross into account as well. Luckily, Austen Hartke’s Transgender and Christian series has a video on how being trans is not “Our Cross to Bear.” (If you have trouble hearing videos, let me know and I’ll write out a synopsis of the video for you tomorrow!)

His videos “Self Denial or Abundant Life?” and “Abundant Life AND Self Denial?” are also ones that would help you understand how God calls us to abundance that includes transitioning. (Again, let me know if you need a textual summary of the vids.)

Jesus assures us that we can know sin by its fruit, and we can know goodness by its fruit. So let’s look at the fruits of trying to live as cis when we aren’t, versus the fruits of embracing being trans.

Common fruits of living as cis when we aren’t: depression and anxiety from dysphoria; feelings of isolation from other humans and from yourself; feelings of anger, often against God, and thus a lack of strong relationship with God

Common fruits of embracing being trans: gender euphoria!; renewed energy and feelings of joy and thanksgiving that we can use to serve and connect with others as well as to praise God; deeper understandings of ourselves and new experiences that may shape who we are and give us wisdom; a connection to a marginalized community that helps us develop empathy we can use to serve others.

(Some Austen Hartke vids related to these ideas of good fruit: x, x). 

Embracing being trans bears good fruit, while trying to repress it (as well as transphobia) tends to bear harmful fruit. For more on the idea of good fruit, see this tag. Satan is not “making” you trans, because if that were the case, it would not bear good fruit.

God delights in diversity, anon. We are all made so uniquely, with different gifts to offer. I believe being trans is a part of that – we have a unique perspective to offer others – a unique view on our bodies, our minds and spirits, on the gender binary and harmfulness of gender roles, and more. 

Another video to help calm your worries about physically transitioning, this video by Austen is helpful too. 

Here’s a prayer on transitioning that also might help.

For more resources, including responses to common arguments against trans/LGBT people using Scripture, see the “But what does the Bible say?” and the trans section of our resources page. 

I’m going to post now so you’ll have this; I might add to it tomorrow so keep a lookout for updates. Take a look at the links, and take a moment for some self care. Then, if you have more questions, you are welcome to ask them here! We are here for you anon; you are not alone. <3

i don't know what else to tell you except to be brave and to be kind. take it day by day. go outside and watch the clouds paint the sky. call a friend.

we are still here, and furious. you are still here, and that matters. you can still do and make and be something important. i promise. stay alive. it matters, and you matter. i know it is easy to succumb to anxiety and exhaustion and defeat.

communities can start with tiny ideas. google "dnd meeting near me" or whatever your interest might be. google "volunteering near me." google "support groups near me." start journalling. start a discord. start a book club.

when you close your eyes and hear hamlet, answer his prayer: it's better still to be.

*pinned post*

I'm Katherine. She/her. White, cis queer woman.

This is gonna be SO long. I'm so sorry.

TL;DR : uhhh...i'm Christian but hopefully not one of THOSE Christians? (trying, learning and working not to be)

Let's start with side blogs, then a cut.

@tootiredfortiktok personal blog. Ranting, shitposting, whatever I want.

@fandomofisolation tv shows, books, movies, etc. Currently there's a lot of Our Flag Means Death, 9-1-1 and Supernatural (i know, yikes, haha)

@tellmethestoryofyourtattoos art, photography, travel, stories, cute animals

@clearancelevelneedtoknow human rights, social justice, education, science, resources

@justspngifsrbs reblogging Supernatural gifs (made at the peak of my relapse into an obsession with that stupid, brilliant, awful, wonderful, hilarious, tragic mess)

I have one other secret side blog. If I liked a bunch of your posts that don't fit the theme of this blog or any of my other side blogs, you'll know what my secret side blog is about and why it's secret.

If you're here because you saw that I followed you or liked a bunch of your posts, here's what you should know:

Sometimes, the discrepancy between the vibes of this blog and the blogs I follow or the posts I like may give you pause. I get it. Don't worry, I PROMISE I am not trying to evangelize you. I use tumblr for a lot of different things. This was my first tumblr blog and is therefore still my main blog. Over the years, I've made others for different areas of my interests. I mostly reblog from the side blogs listed above.

Now. If you found me through one of the posts that I made on this blog itself, there are some things you should know about me which will allow you to contextualize the stuff I say here.

I AM a Christian. I don't really know how to define that except to say that I believe in a higher power, who has consciousness and will. And I believe that all of reality originated from and is still maintained by that higher power. My concept of that higher power aligns most closely with the Christian concept of God.

I am currently deconstructing and reconstructing my faith.

I grew up in a family that attended a church that's part of the Pentecostal Assemblies of Newfoundland and Labrador, which is in turn part of the World Assemblies of God Fellowship.

Some stuff about NL pentecostal culture:

- no drinking, smoking or drugs. Most are teetotalers (if someone in the community does drink or smoke, it's a little rebellious/scandalous/taboo). For communion, we use grape juice.

- no sex before marriage

- teeeeeeeechnically, no divorce either

- gambling is also taboo. Older people in small, rural towns even avoid playing cards altogether, just because of the association with gambling.

- my mom's generation is weird about dancing. She almost didn't let me go to prom because it was a dance. It's basically like the movie Footloose - "dances are events where teenagers might engage in risky behavior like drinking, drugs and sexual promiscuity. Therefore, dancing must be banned." That's on its way out, I think.

- similar to the dancing one, my grandparents' generation was weird about movie theatres. That has passed.

- women CAN be pastors (clergy). Divorced people cannot.

- divorced people and unwed mothers are allowed to volunteer at church stuff (as layfolk) but gay people are not.

- my church is trying to be diverse. That means they're trying to create a community that welcomes, includes, celebrates and values people of all ethnicities and cultures. They're not perfect but I can say that they're trying.

- they're pretty chill about mental health stuff, as far as i can tell.

- at my church, the lead pastor is a white man (the lead pastors at most NL pentecostal churches are white men, and the leaders of the paonl are white men). Two other pastors are white men. One is a white woman. One is a woman who is either white or mixed race. I do not know for sure. I've never asked her. Three other people on staff at the church in layfolk paid positions are two white women and a woman of colour. There are also nine women on staff as part of the "Community Connections and Conversation Cafe (ESL)" team. Four are white, five are women of colour.

- so basically, I can say that they are not intentionally, maliciously, overtly misogynistic, racist or ableist. Obviously they are still part of a religious institution that exists in this province and country because of settler colonialism. Obviously the same systematic inequalities that are inherent in schools, healthcare, government and all colonial institutions are also inherent in this one. I can say that, within the obvious limitations of that context, they are trying to be feminist, accessible and anti-racist.

- they're struggling with fully embracing non-cishet folx. I know that within the NL pentecostal community, there are individuals who support me and are fully affirming of my relationship with my wife as a normal, healthy, God-honouring relationship. But they are the minority. And like officially, my wife and I are not allowed to volunteer at any NL pentecostal churches or with any NL pentecostal events. We are welcomed and accepted and included as attendees when we go to church. It's just that, for us, volunteering with kids and youth programs has always been an integral part of faith and participating in church so it kinda sucks that we can't do it anymore.

Some stuff NL pentecostal churches believe:

- God is sort of like a person, more or less. An intangible, invisible, immortal, pure-spirit, omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent person-like entity. With will, consciousness and feelings. He loves, He hurts, He gets angry, He gets sad, He grieves.

- God made the whole universe from nothing, by speaking.

- God is the only God. He's the only entity like Himself that exists, and everything else in existence came from Him. I am pretty sure that PAONLers believe that if there is some kind of spiritual entity that is neither God nor human, it's either an angel or a demon. Christians in general don't believe in djinn or in other deities/minor deities.

- humans were made in the image of God. So i guess it's less that God is a person-like entity, and more that humans are God-like little dudes.

- humans have souls, which are...from what I understand, one of the three essential things that make up a human (body, mind and soul), and are sort of like intangible, immutable, immortal imprints of one's identity and one's choices on earth. I think many people think that a version of your consciousness is stored in your soul, which will have awareness after your earthly body dies.

- the bible is the "inspired, infallible, authoritative" word of God

- the trinity: God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit, three in one

- Jesus is the Son of God. He was fully God and fully man. Virgin birth. He died and came back to life then ascended to Heaven where He is now chillin and will eventually come back to earth "in power and glory to rule a thousand years"

- the Holy Spirit allows people to speak in "toungues", which is a supernatural prayer language unique to each person. It is the Holy Spirit speaking directly to God the Father through a believer's mouth, without involving the believer's brain. It cannot be understood by any human, including the one speaking it (unless the Holy Spirit gives someone else the supernatural gift of interpretation).

- angels, demons, demon possession and miracles (including raising people from the dead, healing the body, and "signs and wonders") are all real, actual things that exist and have happened and do still happen today

- believers are supposed to get baptized in water as a public declaration of their faith

- believers are supposed to participate in communion (which, for pentecostals, is the metaphorical, not literal, consumption of Jesus' flesh and blood) as a reminder of Jesus' death and resurrection until He comes back

- on the topic of Jesus coming back, NL pentecostals believe in "the Rapture" which is supposedly when Jesus comes back, all believers living and dead will be raised up into the air, like being beamed up onto a spaceship. Or they'll just vanish into thin air, leaving behind clothing, shoes, glasses, etc., if you believe the "Left Behind" book series.

- there is an eternal afterlife, and the only two options are Heaven or Hell

- preeeeeeeetty sure PAONLers officially don't believe in ghosts. I'm pretty sure they think the door to another plane of existence is one-way only. Like I said, only two options, and PAONLers believe that both those options are eternal and irrevocable.

- anyone who is "saved" goes to Heaven

- anyone who is not "saved" goes to Hell

- God doesn't want anyone to go to hell so He sent Jesus to take our sins upon Himself

- When Jesus was dying on the cross, He assumed all the guilt for all humans who ever were and ever would be

- the only way to be "saved" is to believe in Jesus as the Son of God who died and came back to life, accept Him as your Lord and Savior, and profess said belief and acceptance

If you're into theology, and these words have meaning for you, here are some terms that apply to NL pentecostals:

- Protestant

- Evangelical

- Charismatic

- Biblical inerrancy

- Finished Work Pentecostalism (progressive sanctification)

- Trinitarian

- Premillenial dispensationalism

- Pretribulation Rapture

- Arminianism

- Security of the believer (conditional upon continual faith and repentance)

- Continuationism

So that's where I come from. That's how I grew up. That's what influenced the beginning of my faith.

Now. Where am I going? Well, I don't know. But like I said, I'm still a Christian. That label still feels right. I'm currently in the process of deconstructing and reconstructing. I don't want to just take away from everything I was taught by the Pentecostal Assemblies of Newfoundland and Labrador. I only want to add to it. Not in the sense that I want to believe everything. That's admittedly rather difficult, because a lot of different Christian beliefs are opposites of each other. I want to add to what I've been taught in the sense that I want to know, and understand, what other sects believe and why. I probably won't know, within this lifetime, which view is "right". Maybe it doesn't matter.

My wife, who is very wise, said, "I just don't have the energy to try to figure it all out. I know I love God, and we have to love other people. I guess we'll find out the rest eventually. I am hanging on to my faith with my last little bit of strength. So I just want to use that bit of strength to focus on loving God, being loved by Him, and loving everyone else the way He loves them."

Some highlights of my current belief:

- "God" is an entity. God has consciousness and will. God is the only *anything* that is real and has always been. All of reality as we know it flows from, is part of, and is maintained by God.

- i think that God's form is pure energy. And I think that energy is love. I think God = love = energy. I don't just think that all love is from God; I think all love is God. Same goes for energy. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. God always was, always is, and always will be. All of matter is made of molecules, which are made of atoms, which are made of protons, neutrons and electrons, which are made of quarks, which are energy. God is over all and through all and in all. So I think that all of reality is energy which is love which is God (like the force in Star Wars). And love, as a force, is the most powerful force in reality. Stronger than gravity (like in the movie "Interstellar"). Faster than light. More powerful than life and death.

- science is legit. Science is just an attempt to understand reality. If all reality is God, then science is one way to understand God. Science, math, art, music, language, belief, thought, relationships between humans are all ways to understand, and engage with, the divine. So whatever the scientists can prove with evidence and solid methodology and peer reviewal, i'm on board. Evolution? Yep. I'm good. Climate change? Yeah. Same page. Age of the earth? Yes. Dinosaurs? Yes. Hominids other than homo sapiens (e.g. H. neanderthalis)? Yes. All of it. Whatever science is offering, I'm taking.

- Trinitarian vs Oneness (i.e. is God three in one, God the father, God the son, or God the Holy Spirit, separate entities but all God? Or are the father the son and the holy spirit all different forms of the same dude - just God?) My belief: yes? Both? Who cares?

- was Jesus fully God AND fully man? Was Jesus the Son of God? Or just a normal human fully filled with the Holy Spirit? My belief: Yes? Both? Who cares?

- did Jesus actually die and come back to life? My belief: mmm.....yeah, I'm still feelin' that it's a yes on that one. That's important to me. Haven't let go of that one yet.

- is the Bible infallible and inerrant? My belief: ummmm.......I don't think so. I am no longer really vibing with that particular theology.

- did God make the world in a literal seven days in the exact order described in Genesis chapter 1? My belief: nahhh.

- When Jesus comes back, are believers, living and dead, going to float up into the air like they're being beamed up onto a spaceship? My belief: I mean, I feel like this could go either way. On the one hand, I see no reason to take that literally. On the other hand, why not? I'd believe weirder.

- are angels and demons real? My belief: well, i think so. But i doubt that they are anything like what we think. I believe in a spiritual realm and i believe that there may be entities that exist on that "plane".

- do people get possessed by demons and can those demons be cast out of the hosts? My belief: i'm thinking yes and yes.

- does each individual human have a specially-assigned guardian angel? My belief: i mean, I feel like that's unlikely,but what do I know?

- are people who speak in tongues really filled with the Holy Spirit? Is that a legit supernatural event? My belief: yeah, I think so. Why not? I'd believe weirder.

- do miracles still happen? Like raising people from the dead? Healing the sick and injured? Signs and wonders? My belief: yeah, I think so. Why not? I'd believe weirder.

(To be continued. I am working on this post in fits and starts. I will talk more about my de/reconstruction journey eventually)

some positives:

Seven states voted to protect abortion rights, including the deeply red state of Missouri

Sarah McBride became the first openly trans woman elected to congress

Mark Robinson, the man who called himself a "Black N*zi" will not be governor of North Carolina

Angela Alsobrooks and Lisa Blunt Rochester become the first duo of black women senators ever in the history of the senate (sadgressive but good for their constituents)

Kentucky voted to protect public education!

If your parents weren't religious do you think you'd still have strong faith?

Of course not. Where, I ask you, would I have met Jesus in the first place, if not for my parents? Who knows, maybe He would have arranged a meeting for me at some point in my life. I hope that parallel-universe me would be sensible enough to open up to Him. I often wonder what I'd be like if I didn't know Jesus. I speculate sometimes that I'd be rather more promiscuous, with significantly lower self-esteem. I would most likely be a lover of alcohol. Beyond that, I have trouble figuring out what parts of me are me and what parts are Jesus. Would I have the same love and compassion for people? Would I have black and white views or would I be all grey areas? I don't know the answers to those questions. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't know Jesus. But I do know that I'm grateful I never will. I'm exceedingly thankful that I got that early introduction, cause my life with Jesus is frickin awesome! HahahaThanks for the question :)Peace and love! -Katherine 

For Anyone Contemplating Suicide

My Commitment to You

I cannot fix everything, as much as I want to. I can't kiss it and make it all better or put a bandaid on it and magically cure all ailments. 

But I can be there. 

I have arms to hug you with. I have a shoulder for you to cry on. I have ears to listen. I have eyes to see you for who you truly are. I have lips to tell you all the wonderful things about yourself. 

I promise that I will never tell you that what you are feeling is wrong or invalid. I promise that I will always acknowledge your pain. 

I promise that I will always encourage you. I promise that I will always be a source of hope and optimism. I promise that I will remind you of why you are a beautiful human being. I promise that I will remind you that life is worth it. I promise that I will cheer you on. 

I promise that I won't give up on you. 

I promise that I will love you, fiercely, unconditionally, and inexorably. I promise that I will never stop loving you no matter what. 

That's what I CAN do.