I Feel Like I’m Missing Something That Everyone Else Has

Music To Watch Boys To

Chapter 1: You Belong with Me

Monday, October 13, 2014

11 pm

It’s been three whole months since you stepped into the squad room of Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit, and it's been a wild ride. It's almost unbearable on most days but your team reminded you constantly the reason you did this. Every conviction, every confession, every time the victim spoke up and became a survivor; reinstilled your faith. 

You look up from your desk as Sergeant Olivia Benson leaves her office. “Are you two planning on sleeping here tonight?” she jokingly asks as she walks past you and your partner, Det. Nick Amaro. “Go home, paperwork can wait,” she says, “Good night.” 

You look over at him and almost get lost in his brown eyes, then compose yourself slightly so you don’t seem too obvious. “C’mon, I’ll drive you home.” he says. This has been happening a lot, not that you were complaining. You weren’t purposely trying to be alone with him but you’d be lying if you said you didn't enjoy it.

Your apartment was ten minutes away, but he insisted. Every time you’d talk about random nothings. Sometimes you’d overshare about yourself, your and family and sometimes he’d talk about his life. Then you’d lay awake cringing about what you’d said. Tonight, you thankfully chatted about music. 

You raise the volume and blast Taylor Swift. “I should’ve known you listened to her,” he teases.

“She’s a lyrical genius, what else can I say?” you reply smiling. 

“Yeah? Try listening to You Belong with Me on repeat for weeks, my daughter is obsessed.” 

You laugh and reply, “A lady of taste.” You ramble on, “So she’s releasing a new album named after her birth year which is also my birth year.”

He pulls up to your building, he smiles and you say thanks. When you unlock your door, you head straight to your bathroom since it's late and you have a shift tomorrow. You strip off some of your clothes on your way to the sink. As you’re brushing your teeth, you pause and stare, you feel so pathetic. He’s my coworker and he’s married, not even legally separated. He’s that nice to everyone, I’m nothing special. Stop thinking about him. You want to scream at yourself. You step into the shower and as you lather yourself with soap, you think about him. The way he smells like a man and it makes you want to drown in his scent. The silver ring he still wears on his finger, how you long for its coldness on your skin. His brown eyes, you got lost in them so often. His lips, everywhere on your body. His smile, you bet he’d smile like that whilst gazing up at you. When you get out of the shower you feel dirtier than when you started out.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

7:45 am

You’re about to snooze the alarm for what feels like the tenth time, and then you open your eyes and glance at the clock. Shit, I’ve got to get dressed. You shower, moisturize, and put on underwear, pants, and a blouse. You apply lip gloss and some light bronzer, blush, and mascara. You are there to work. You remind yourself. Don't look at him unless you have to. 

You thank the universe that New York is so fucking cold because you would’ve been a sweaty mess by the time you reached the precinct.

You chided yourself for being late, already dreading the day and the fact that you’ll have to suffer through the precinct’s generic coffee because you didn’t have time to eat breakfast. You put your bag down and just as you take your coat off, you notice a cup of coffee on your desk from the little cart across the street. “Nick, thank you.” you manage to say before burning your tongue on the bittersweet taste. 

After the briefing on the Stevenson case, you and Amaro were sent to interview the victim and her parents now that she was out of surgery. Margaret Stevenson: a seventeen, white female, was kidnapped by an unknown assailant sometime after she left school, on her way to her home, twenty-five minutes away. She was beaten, raped, wrapped in only a bed sheet, and left for dead on the subway, twelve hours after she was reported missing. The rape kit was still being processed. Her parents had insisted she was a straight-A student and didn’t have time for a boyfriend. Her friends claimed that if she was seeing someone, they had no clue who he was. 

She was awake now and talking to her dads. 

“Hi, Det. Amaro, Special Victims, and this is my partner” Nick gestures to you while mentioning your name, “Can we have a moment with Margaret?” 

After the parents leave, you take a seat on the chair next to her bed while Nick stands. “Margaret, can you tell me the last thing you remember?” you ask. She hesitates. 

Nick notices and says, “Margaret, do you know the person who did this?” 

On the verge of tears, she replies, “I don’t want to get into any trouble.” 

You gently touch her hand, “Honey, you did nothing wrong. We just wanna catch the person who hurt you.” 

She starts crying, “It's the college scout, Dean Michaelis, I’m sorry I didn’t want to ruin my chances of a scholarship.”

“Do you think he’s done this before?” you query as you drive back to the precinct. 

“I think so, maybe we’ll find his M.O. in ViCAP. I think he’s escalating.” When you get back to the precinct, you let Liv know everything the vic told you, along with your theory. 

“He’s definitely escalating.” she says when similar cases were found, “Do you think the school knows?” 

You add, “Possibly, was there any DNA found?” 

Liv replies, “Only Los Angelos, Georgia, and Ohio haven’t even tested the rape kits.”

“The rape kit came back with DNA from under her fingernails and semen, all from the same guy.” Odafin ‘Fin’ Tutuola tells us as he puts the phone down. 

“I’ll call Barba for a warrant for DNA, Fin and Rollins, go pick this bastard up.” Olivia commands as she dials the office phone number for the Assistant District Attorney, Rafael Barba. 

THE WALLY AND CHARLEY BESTIEISM OF IT ALL😭😭😭

Music To Write Boys To

Chapter 6: High Infidelity

Saturday, November 15, 2014

10:47 pm

You follow them into the ladies' room and drag Nick into a stall so you can listen. Just focus, I can’t afford to get distracted by Nick right now. Nick and the way his arms were on either side of me against the wall. Then, you hear the women talking.

“I heard from Stacy that someone sicced the police on Charlie.” One of the women says.

“Oh my! For what reason?”

“Apparently, he beats Diane.”

“He’s from down south, I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“She always seems so happy and put together. I just don’t know what to make of it.”

“My hubby tells me that Charlie is one of them gun nuts. I don’t trust that kind of people. There are rumors that they argue plenty.”

“Couples argue all the time.”

“The help hears everything and they gossip. They hear him yelling and breaking things.”

You hear the stall door opening, you panic and turn to Nick. Crap I should’ve thought this through. “Kiss me.” You whisper to him, hoping he just goes along with it. He doesn't hesitate. You run your hands through his hair as he presses his body impossibly close to yours. You can taste the champagne on his tongue, you moan as he bites your lip. You start kissing his neck as you reach for his belt buckle.

“Is someone there?” The women ask.

You pull away from each other, flustered. 

You step out of the stall, speechless. Nick stands behind you, attempting to wipe the lipstick stains from his face but essentially making it worse. “I’m so sorry, I uh…” You stumble for an excuse. At least this looks realistic and awkward enough that they won’t ask questions.

“Oh.” They laugh. “Do you remember how it was when you first got engaged Anne? I could barely keep my clothes on.” 

The car ride back to the precinct is silent. “Well, that was a bust.” You announce breaking the tension.

Nick rubs his face, “What do we tell Benson?” You shrug.

“Can we talk about what happened?” Nick asks.

“In the bathroom? I panicked. I’m sorry.”

“Do you regret it?”

“We just doing our job.” Terribly. We really fucked up. Casualty count? One. This partnership.

“And in the ballroom?” 

“We were acting the part.” But if we’re pointing fingers, YOU kissed ME!

“If you had to do it all over, would you do it again?”

You glare at him, “What?”

“It’s a simple question, would you kiss me like that again?”

“When would this ever happen again?”

“But if it did?”

“It wouldn’t.”

“Let’s just pretend it did.” Nick says exasperatedly.

“No.”

He glances over at you, “What about the other night?”

You fiddle with your necklace, “What about it?”

“Were we just ‘doing our job’ then?”

You cross your arms over your chest, “Nothing happened.” Was he checking me out? You drop your arms and sit up, “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Fine.” After a minute he mutters, “I think you would.”

You raise one eyebrow and he continues, “I think you would kiss me again.” You open your mouth to say something but decide against it, instead you stare out the window. 

After briefing Olivia together, Nick drove you home. He said nothing to you the entire time. Your thoughts were preoccupied with wishing this night never happened and wanting to jump out of the car to avoid the tension. You realize you’re still wearing the stupid ring as you enter your apartment. You take it off and slip it into your jacket. Nick’s jacket. Fuck I might as well clear a part of my closet for his clothes. You were so angry. You weren’t entirely sure if you were mad at yourself for being so stupid—or Nick Amaro, for being so stubborn. And for making me love him. UGH, I hate him. You didn’t. You take off your heels and start to walk towards the bathroom when you hear a knock at the door. Maybe he came to his senses and wanted to apologize. You unlock the door to see Chase. “Why do you have a phone if you don’t bother to pick it up?”

“I was working.” You state matter of factly.

“You never make time for me. You’re always too busy to watch me perform. I’m at your beck and call. I thought this time might be different.”

“I know this might be hard for you to grasp but my life doesn’t revolve around you. I’m a cop! I can’t just say, ‘no thanks, no crime for me today’. And what do you mean by ‘this time’?”

“I’m not even a part of your life. Do you want to be with me?”

No. I don’t know. “I just think maybe we’re moving too fast. What do you mean by ‘this time’?” 

He begins to pace,  “I’ve waited for years for you to be ready. When you joined the academy, we lost touch and I moved on. Then, you just texted me out of the blue. I thought maybe you were ready to grow up.”

Ouch. “I didn’t make you come over that night. I didn’t make you date me. I didn’t ask you to ‘wait’ for me. I’m all grown up, you’re the one throwing a fucking tantrum.” You’re so close to crying, tonight had been shitty enough without this bullshit.

“I just hoped you were done acting like a drunk slut. What are you running from?”

You were too stunned to reply so you try justifying yourself instead, “I’m not running from anything.”

“Maybe you’re running from yourself. Do you hate yourself that much?”

“Shut up.”

“Were you with him?” 

“What are you implying?”

He gets close to your face, “I”m gonna ask you this once, are you fucking him?”

“I don’t have to defend myself on something that didn’t happen.” Okay, so I bent the truth a little. You open your front door and tell him to get out. When he’s gone, you grab a bottle of vodka from the back of the cabinet. You turn the bathtub facet on and get in. You hate Chase and you want to hate Amaro. You feel confused and angry but underneath that, you just feel fucking empty. You couldn’t even force yourself to cry after all that happened so instead you take a swig from the bottle. What am I running from?

#mood

Saw a screenshot reposted on insta and had a vision

Simon

lowkey obsessed with my own blog. it has all my favorite things and all the opinions i agree with. best place on the internet maybe ever

Masterlist

Music To Watch Boys To (WIP)

AN: Set in 2014, canon adjacent. Mostly writing this as a coping mechanism.

Warnings: angst, implied trauma, self criticism, implied alcoholism, slow burn

You Belong with Me

Fuck it I love you

Brooklyn Baby

Born to Die

Salvatore

High Infidelity

Chapter 7

Me : ‘slides Disney a $20’ how about we forget this whole Pocahontas 2 crap ever happened