Me: Fine. Don’t Talk To Me. You Think I Need You To Message Me All The Time? Ha. I Don’t Even Care.

People Get Tired Of You Being Sick

When you first become ill, they will show you sympathy. They’ll send you cards and hope you get well soon. They’ll call or text to check in and see how you’re doing. They’ll cut you slack. They’ll be understanding when you have trouble keeping up. 

But once your illness becomes a chronic condition, they wonder why you can’t get better. They show impatience and frustration. They stop trying to include you in plans. They ask why you aren’t trying harder. They don’t get it. They just want you to be abled again so that you’re not inconveniencing them.

People get tired of you being sick, but they don’t stop to think that you’re probably fucking tired of being sick, too. They don’t take the time to think about how you’d love to just get over it. They don’t care enough to realize you didn’t choose this. 

What I say: I'm off to bed now, goodnight!

What I mean: I'm going to dissociate for a few hours until I drift into sleep, goodnight!

chronic pain [ID: Two boxes with drawings in them,the first one is an arm outstretched with an x-ray like bones inside of the arm and hand. The bones have flowers and plants in them. The box under has a drawing of a torso with again bones showing with flowers in them.]

I only want human contact from the person I’m attached to…other than that I’d rather be alone.

By the time you find this, I will be dead. I am leaving this app open on my unlocked phone near my body.

I’m sorry that by this time tomorrow I won’t be around anymore. Im sorry I couldn’t contribute enough. Sorry I was too sick.

Dear mom/family.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I was a failure. I’m sorry I wasted time. I wish I could have been a better kid. Im sorry I wasn’t the daughter/sister/aunt you wanted. Im sorry I don’t even know what or who I am. I’m sorry I was just a problem. I’m sorry I was so sick. Such a burden on you all. I deserved what I got.

Dear sister,

I love you and I’m sorry. I miss you. I never told you how I was feeling.. You wont forgive me I know. I cant forgive myself either. Im an awful awful sister. I deserve this.

Dear best friend,

I love you. I’m sorry. My head is too broken. Im too tired. You tried so hard to help me but I failed you. I’m a terrible failure. I will never forgive myself for disappointing you. You were my world. I loved you more than words could express. But it was never meant to be. I’m sorry. Im sorry I wont be around anymore. Im sorry we wont get to do all that we wanted and dreamed. I’ll miss you for eternity.

Dear myself,

I hate you. I hope you rot. You horrible disgusting disappointing failure. You’re a fucking burden. You deserve this.

Goodbye.

Love,

Amanda/Des/Blair

🖤

Tonight