Humans Are Crazy

Humans Are Crazy

Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.

Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?

Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.

Alien: What??

Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.

Alien: wHAT?!

Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.

Alien: WHaT ?!?!

Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.

Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.

Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.

EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…

Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*

Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf

More Posts from Distinguishedsaladphantom and Others

Thinking About Simon Riley Offering To Give You A Massage… Rough Hands Massaging Sweet Oils Into The

Thinking about Simon Riley offering to give you a massage… rough hands massaging sweet oils into the curvature of your back, gently rolling his fingers over your spine as he soothes the knots out before his hand lowers, gripping the flesh of your ass as he spreads you apart, presenting your holes to him before you feel his tongue diving into your wet heat. Your pathetic whines egging him on as he slurps at your juices, rough fingers teasing your sopping entrance as you flutter around the tip of his digits <3

Masterlist

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEANDERTHAL CHILD WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME? Because They're All I've Been Thinking

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEANDERTHAL CHILD WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME? Because they're all I've been thinking about when I'm sad for the past few days. Their existence makes me less sad.

Spotting Beelzebub alone on a couch is a very dangerous trap that must be avoided at all costs.

He may appear to be minding his own business, sitting there innocently, scrolling his DDD. Maybe chewing on a mint. But make no mistake, this is a trap.

Should you choose to sit next to him, your fate is sealed. Beelzebub may put a hand around your shoulder or pull you towards his lap. He may just remain still. Yet every single time, Belphegor will appear. Very swiftly, very silently.

Belphegor will sit so close to you that he's practically on top of you and will proceed to squish you into his twin. He throws a leg over your knee, over Beelzebub's too, and lets his body go slack. Gravity takes care of the rest as he topples into you like a domino. He's heavy. Arms cover your head as you disappear from view.

Shout as you might, Beelzebub allows this to happen. With his hands on either side, there is no escape. You sink down and your cheek winds up pressed against his naval while Belphegor cozies in close, his breath flooding your nose. You can flail your lower legs until someone gets tired of the squirming and holds them down. The twins will cuddle you until they feel satisfied.

The Attic Club Sandwich shows no mercy.

Yall Knew It Was Only A Matter Of Time 🤡💀

yall knew it was only a matter of time 🤡💀

It’s So Toxic

It’s so toxic

sorry for twitter link again, not a porn link but still quite nsfw but this is how im imagining myself slobbering on ghosts shit

link

Oh Hey!! Yall Watch Out For This Shit!!

oh hey!! yall watch out for this shit!!

it’s so dumb ??? like oh yeah, tumblr is totally gonna send an ASK to contact me? 🙄🙄🙄🙄

⋆ ˚。⋆౨ৎ˚comfortstreamer!reader

⋆ ˚。⋆౨ৎ˚comfortstreamer!reader
⋆ ˚。⋆౨ৎ˚comfortstreamer!reader
⋆ ˚。⋆౨ৎ˚comfortstreamer!reader

comfortstreamer!reader who is loved by the girls, the gays, + the theys. they stream about twice a week + their main platforms are pinterest, tiktok + twitch! they have a youtube, but they use it for lifestyle content + "day in the life" videos + their tiktok is mostly the same thing, plus the occasional tiktok trend!

comfortstreamer!reader who mostly streams stardew valley, animal crossing, unpacking, minecraft + the sims. they're actually mostly known for their hello kitty island adventure playthrough (since they're the most popular streamer to stream the game), but sometimes they boot up powerwashing simulator (it relaxes them) + legend of zelda breath of the wild. also every other month they have a super mario 64 playthrough for the nostalgia where they answer questions from chat. well-known for their baking streams, their barbie marathon w/ ted nivison, + playing hello kitty adventure with charlie slimecicle + jschlatt! (how you convinced schlatt to play, no one will never know)

comfortstreamer!reader who lives in zurich, switzerland. they hate the cold + the time difference away from all their friends is unbearable!! but that's just how it is for them, lots of discord calls at 4am for them + watching american streamer's "morning streams" when it is nowhere near morning for them!

comfortstreamer!reader who has their little quirks, some of which have been compiled + made into youtube compilations. they won't eat on stream, if they do eat they'll deliberately do it away from the camera. always sits with at least one their legs hugged to their chest. takes internet drama SUPER seriously (which are never actually about reader, but more that they hang out with schlatt who is 'controversial' + things like that). wears matching friendship bracelets with their favorite streamer friends. has pink-post it notes all over their setup. when nervous, they reapply their lipgloss.

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22 years old 🇵🇸

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