Yall Know That Joke About Schlatt Teaching Ted How To Jerk Off?? That But Schlatts Teaching Ted How To

Your roommates have one rule. No boys allowed if they ain't home. Which is silly cause their almost never home but it could be worse.

So when your coworker opens the door carrying you inside to the couch, they nervously look up at the camera.

"Um hi I'm y/n's coworker Eric, she's got a fever and passed out at work. I had her take medicine on the way here." He holds up the box and sets it in the coffee table. "Um just gonna go now?"

The click of the cameras speaker echos.

"Keys are still in yer pocket." A deep voice growls through the mic.

The young man frantically searches his pockets before practically throwing the keys on the table and high tailing it out the door.

-----------

They tell you the cameras are for your safety while their gone. No, don't worry there isn't any in the bathrooms or your bedroom. (There is)

No men allowed because you could be taken advantage of (you're theirs and they only share with each other)

And you listen to their silly rules, follow all of them even when their gone. (Such a good girl you are)

-----

Your phone chimes as you're putting on your heels in the hallway. Smoothing your dress out when you straighten you grab it out of your purse.

◇ Where ya going, Lass?

Jeez, you should have known one of them was watching. Those guys act like your parents sometimes.

♡ I'm going out

You check your makeup in the mirror, applying some lip gloss. Your phone chimes again.

♤ No shit, where?

You can't help the eye roll. You swear Simon can't go a single sentence without cursing.

♡ Where else on a Friday night? Got a date.

You check your purse, making sure you have your keys, mace, and the kitty knuckles Price had bought you. Counting the ticks on the clock till your phone starts blowing up.

◇ What?!

♤ Think f'kin not

♧ To dangerous, stay home instead.

☆ Agreed, stay home. Order take out and watch a movie.

You sigh. They're a little overprotective sometimes.

♤ Breakin the rule

You glare at the camera before responding.

♡ The rule was not to have anyone over, didn't say anything about going to someone else's place.

You regret sending it immediately.

♧ Not gonna happen.

♤ Your ass isn't going anywhere

☆ Seems like some rules need amending

◇ Bonnie, yer diggin yerself a hole

You flip the camera off

♡ You guys are overreacting! I swear you're worse than my parents. I'm not a child, I'm allowed date. I dont bother you guys when you go out.

Your phone rings and you ignore it, knowing it was Simon wanting to give you an earful.

A chime

• Hey, I'm outside. Ready?

You flash the camera a smile and wave,

"Bye boys! Don't wait up."

You put your phone on silent and walk out the door.

-----------

You wished you had stayed home. This date isn't going well at all. He seemed like a nice guy too.

You slip your phone from your purse and quickly text the group chat. Promptly ignoring the missed calls and texts while your date drones on.

♡ Okay...you guys were right. I should of stayed home...No I told you so please.

-- 5 minutes later--

You ended the date after another backhanded insult. Placing some cash down for your food (which he ordered FOR you) and enough for a tip because you know this asshole wouldn't.

You were walking down the sidewalk ordering an Uber when his voice caught up to you.

"You're seriously gonna just leave me in there like that?!"

You pause, turning to see him walking towards you. Oh just great. You resume your walk towards the 24/7 store to wait for your ride. He follows you the whole way, yelling about how you should be grateful for a date with him.

You check the group chat (no messages)

♡ Texting so theres a time stamp if this guy does something stupid

--30 minutes later--

You slam the door open and closed again. Sliding the lock into place, throwing your keys and purse. You mutter angrily taking your heels off. You just want to take a scolding shower, open a bottle of wine, and get some actual food.

You practically rip the liquor cabinet open, cursing when the only thing you see is they guys stuff.

"Fucking Kyle drinking my stuff."

Okay, scratch the alcohol, that's fine. You'd love to order takeout, but your cellphone screen is shattered to pieces and refuses to turn on. With a sigh, you make your way to the bathroom closing the door behind you.

Turning the water on and stripping down you look at your wrist. The blooming bruise makes you grimace. He had tried to stop you from getting into the Uber.

While you're showering, you don't hear the front door open. Boot thuds through the apartment.

You're wrapped in a towel when you open the bathroom door. Steam rolling out behind you and off your skin. Padding to your room you try to decide if you want to just sleep or put a movie on.

You open your dresser drawer, grabbing some panties, shorts, and an oversized shirt. Setting them on the bed you grab your hair brush, turning towards your door at a creek. You scream and launch the brush at the person in the doorway. John easily catches it.

"Fuck you John! Scared the shit out of me!"

----------

John's eyes drag over your form for a moment before tossing you back your brush.

"Get dressed then come to the kitchen. Pull a stunt like not answerin' your phone again and I'll take you over my knee."

"My phone is broken, can't answer what won't turn on. Did you just threaten me?"

"Seems like it was work'n fine earlier when you were being all defiant."

You rolled your eyes.

"Yes having a life is defiant. I dropped it on the way home okay. Now let me get dressed its cold."

With a sigh John leaves and shuts the door behind him. Sending a quick text to the group chat for the guys only. The one that's full of pictures of you, stolen panties, their thought about fucking you...

☆ Kyle, get her a new phone while your out. Says she dropped it n it won't turn on.

♧ Dropped it? Musta been a hell of a drop. It's late but I'll see what I can do.

☆ Simon, how's the food coming? Decide what yer getting yet?

♤ That honey chicken she likes so much. Got us some stuff too.

☆ Johnny how're things on your end?

◇ With him now

☆ Good, make sure he can't touch what's ours again.

------

You opt out for a different shirt, an oversized hoodie you've stolen from one of your roommates at one point. (They left it in the laundry room for a week, fair game) it will cover your arms. Effectively hiding the bruise so you won't have to look at it. If John says I told you so, you swear you'll cry.

Padding to the kitchen, you see him sat at the table. He's changed out of his uniform and into his loungewear. Did he drop everything to be here? You dont know much about what your roommates do for work. Just that they were all in the military. They said you didn't need to know so you've never asked.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I would be, if you would of behaved." He's texting on his phone. Occasionally scribbling in the notepad next to him.

"Behaved?" You took a slow breath, "I didn't break any of your rules!"

His gaze always makes you nervous, like he can see all of your thoughts.

"John, you and the guys have so many rules for me. I have 3 for you. I know I don't pay many of the bills here, but I don't think that's cause for treating me like a child." You're fiddling with the sleeves of your hoodie.

Truthfully, you're not sure what bills you pay exactly. Once a month, you send money to Price, and he takes care of it. He says it's easier that way. The other guys do it to...you think? All the bills you've seen are addressed to Price.

"Gonna redo some of the rules." He sets his phone down. He motions for you to sit.

"You said changes can't be made unless everyone was present."

"Good thing we're all here then." Kyle's voice sounds from the hallway.

You deflate, of course they're all here. You know what's gonna happen. They say the voting is fair but it's not. They always agree with each other.

Johnny comes and sits at the table, gone is his usual peppy self. He stares at you.

Kyle comes into the kitchen next, setting a box down in front of your usual seat. He sits to John's right as always.

You can feel Simon's glare on you when he comes in. You ignoring his calls is a peev of his. Your stomach betrays you when you smell delicious food.

"Should eat this infront of ya. Little shit." Instead he drops your favorite takeout by your spot. "Sit."

He sits on the opposite side of your usual seat, passing out more food to the others. You're always squished between Simon and Johnny.

"You guys are-"

"If you don't sit down right now."

Ah yea that's real mad...you sit in your chair with a pout.

Containers squeak and plastic wraps rustle for a few minutes before Price speaks up.

"Start from the beginning, what happened on yer date."

Your eyebrows furrow, "That's not really-"

Kyle's hand slaps the table in annoyance. "You're on thin ice already. Do as you're told damn it."

You tense, fork abandoned in your container. A glare present on your face as you take them all in. You calmly stand.

"If I wanted to be scolded and interrogated, I wouldn't have moved out of my mom's place." You push your chair in, "I'm going to bed."

You make it about 4 steps before your wrist is trapped in an iron grip. Johnny's angry response lost to you as tears pricked the corner of your eyes and a small whimper comes out of your mouth.

The kitchens deadly quiet. Johnny's grip loosens as he looks at your wrist, he shoves the sleeve up and you can practically see him bristle like a cat.

"Price..." Johnny won't let go of your wrist. Soon the others are crowding you both. The bruise looks worse now.

"Let go Johnny!" You're ignored. The guys are passing looks to each other.

------

"He put his hands on ya.."

"Let go!"

"Bastards gonna lose a hand"

"For fucks sake Johnny let go of me!"

He releases his grip only for Kyle's hand to replace it. Softly turning your wrist back and forth, watching your face for discomfort.

You just want to crawl under your covers. They always take things too far.

"Kyle I want to go to my room, please let go."

He passes a look to Simon as Price and Johnny leave the room, talking quietly to each other.

"You're gonna sit and eat while we get your new phone set up." Kyle grabs the box and opens it.

"I really-"

Simon's large hand is around you in seconds. Pulling towards your chair, only to drag you onto his lap instead.

He stabs a piece of chicken with his fork and brings it to your lips.

"I can feed myself you know.." Simon raises a brow at you. You know he won't let you leave until the food is gone. With a sigh you take the offered fork in your mouth. He nods and stabs another piece, you chew slowly trying to think.

Kyle is tapping away on your apparently new phone. Of course it's the newest model. There's no way you're going to be able to afford payments on that and knowing the guys they'll say,

"Don't worry about that, gotta have some way to get ahold of ya."

But you do worry about that stuff. You work your ass off to afford things. Hell you'd been living with your mother because she charged less rent than any apartment around you.

You thought it was to good to be true when you saw the advertisement for this place.

//Roommate wanted//

• Set amount of rent

• Own room with lock

• Internet included

• Looking for someone who doesn't mind sharing space with 4 guys who are hardly present.

• Expected to keep the house tidy in their absence and to bring the mail in.

• Upkeep the plants and fish

You didn't hesitate to apply. Farther from your job of course but the thought of not living with your mother who berated you for any little infraction? Worth it.

-----

"Open up." Simon's voice cuts through your thoughts briefly, and you mindlessly take another bite.

If you could pick up some more hours for a few weeks, maybe you could pay enough of the bill down so the payments were less?

Another bite

But the guys would get upset if your schedule changed.

Another bite

You stuggle... the set rent is great. Let's you work on your debt. Sometimes your friends wanna go to lunch and it's a nice place. $17 for a small portion of food ain't worth it. Your friends laugh sometimes. And when you get home, the guys do the same thing. "Should of just got something good."

Bite

You pause and let go. Glaring at Simon who's chuckling to himself, looking at your small bite marks on his hand while Kyle shakes his head.

"Excuse you. When's the last time you washed your hands, Simon?" Tongue licking your bottom lip.

"Not my fault ya wernt payin attention."

-----

April 3, 2024. Journalist Zuher Dahlan was passing out candy and saw a little girl start crying. He asked her why she was crying and found out that he resembles her father, who has been missing since they left the north of Gaza.

mutuals do this!!!!

i never wrote on tumblr nor in english before! so pardon me if there's any mistake- lmao who is gonna read this anyway.

Leviathan HC! (ft. Collectionist!MC)

So picture this, Levi finds out MC is also a figure collectionist (at least in the human world) and he asks them how they cleans their figures (just to be sure MC knows how to do it the right way).

"I clean them with make up brushes..." That's the answer Levi wanted to hear! Now he is going to asks MC's help every time he wants to clean his figures (he cares about them a lot, so this happens pretty often).

Btw, this is Levi's love language, he doesn't allow ANYONE but you to touch his precious figures AND also he loves the time that you both spend together cleaning his figures!

I let my pussy make my decisions, call that clitical thinking

oh hey!! yall watch out for this shit!!

it’s so dumb ??? like oh yeah, tumblr is totally gonna send an ASK to contact me? 🙄🙄🙄🙄

it's good for your mental health to have mutuals who are wildly horny about kinks which do nothing at all for you

I still love how when the switch came out Nintendo was like “I know! We will make the switch games taste bad so kids won’t eat them!”

And all of humanity collectively said: “Okay but how bad does it taste?” And licked their switch cartridges.

Philosophers and anthropologists have debated it for years. “The defining trait of humanity is our intelligence/compassion/creativity/curiosity, etc.”

No no. All of that is wrong.

The defining trait of humanity is that we are weird as shit.

roommate soap who catches you masturbating because nothing else quite takes the edge off like a little death or two but instead of looking surprised and pivoting, he stands there and looks perturbed.

yer doin' it all wrong, lass. it's no wonder ye always strung tight.

you go from mortified to insulted in seconds, but before you can even snarl at him to leave, he's already dragging his big ass boyfriend in the room, still fully appalled at how you're mistreating yourself.

got tae see this, simon. appalling, it is.

and now you're being manhandled into different positions, toys long abandoned for thick fingers and coarse palms, lube replaced with spit and they'd left you with the destabilizing knowledge that the first peak they'd brought you then had been humiliatingly fast and efficient and somewhere along the way, fingers had been replaced with tongues.

(that you had to almost crawl yourself to the bathroom after your long nap and they hadn't even fucked you is embarrassing.)

Something something Simon "Ghost" Riley holding your ruined cunt open after he's filled with with cum just to watch the way your walls try to close around his prying fingers, spitting into your stretched hole because he knows your poor cunt will be gaped enough to leak it all over your panties for the next few hours.