Mic Check One Two One Two

More train than dragon but I fold, metro train from the DC area cause public transit is cool

Christmas at Wayne Manor is usually hectic. With various arguments about varying topics and an inevitable snowball fight that ended with the four boys being draped in blankets in front of the fire because they were all out there in nothing but sweatpants.

Between serving rounds of hot chocolate and adding new logs to the fire, Alfred would be seen cleaning up the discarded tissue paper and scraps of wrapping paper that littered the floor.

That is until the year Bruce gave each one of his children weighted blankets, and the hours which in previous years had been flooded with shouting and shivering bodies were replaced with the sound of deep breathing.

—————————————————

The lack of noise coming from the drawing room was concerning as Bruce made his way back to the room after helping Alfred finish cleaning up the wrapping paper. Alfred was currently in the kitchen beginning preparations for Christmas dinner.

As he stepped into the room, bracing himself for a snowball to the face—because there’s no other way his children would be this quiet unless they were planning a sneak attack—but was surprised to find his children weren’t scheming as he had thought. Dick was sitting in front of the couch, Tim and Stephanie leaning their heads on either of his shoulders and Damian curled up on his lap, their weighted blankets draped over each of them while Jason laid on the couch under his own blanket. All of them were asleep.

Leaning against the doorframe, Bruce crossed his arms and watched the deep breathing of his kids, the soft music coming from the record player Dick had given to Alfred floating over to him.

“I believe you made a good decision for their gifts this year, Master Bruce,” Alfred said softly, coming to a stop beside him.

Bruce smiled. “I’m afraid Jason won’t be able to keep up his promise to help you with Christmas dinner this year, Alfred.”

“That’s alright, Master Bruce,” the butler replied. “Let them sleep. I do not think any of them have gotten this much sleep in a while.”

Bruce chuckled. Between regular villains of the week and the holiday schemes from a myriad of different villains, they had all been swamped on patrol.

“I’d offer to help, but I think we both know it’s for the best that I don’t,” Bruce said.

“I appreciate the thought nonetheless,” Alfred replied.

They stood there in silence for a moment.

Then, as Alfred turned to leave, Bruce said, “Merry Christmas, Alfred.”

“Merry Christmas, Master Bruce.”

Hehehehehe

Just spent 4 hours drawing out this stupid joke instead of drawing what i was meant to be drawing 

(Apart of the sith separatist Anakin au full au guide here )

(Jokes from the cosmonaut variety hour on youtube ) 

Talia unintentionally overstepping Barbara's boundaries (sneak peek for AO3)

Context: While out shopping Barbara was kidnapped by Talia Al Ghul's men and taken to where the Lazarus pit is. Talia says it's a fun girl's trip, but Babs knows the side effects of the pit and is not about to be pushed in.

Barbara (stopping her wheelchair before Talia could roll her to the Lazarus pit room): I'm not going in there.

Talia: Why would you pass up this offer?

Barbara (arms crossed): Jason Todd, you, Ra's Al Ghul, and that one time you put Bruce into a coma and tossed him in, assuming you could convince him to love you. And what happened after that?

Talia: We… both went insane, and I almost killed our tifl. But that's in the past, he's better now, I'm sane now.

Ra's (smoking): Never got my thanks for that.

Talia: Father! - Look, Barbara I'm not even killing you—just pushing your chair into the pit.

Barbara: I'm good. I'd rather get robot legs than end up in the pit.

Ra's Al Ghul (siding with Barbara): Contact me if you want me to set you up with that, but she still said no fifty times, Talia! Can you send her away already?

Talia: Father, stay out of this! Barbara, think about what regaining the ability to walk would do for you. You could finally be with Nightwing.

Barbara (grossed out): Oh God, why would you wish that upon me?! We're not like that anymore!

Talia: Seriously?

Ra's: He's with the orange woman now.

Talia: Aww, I was secretly rooting for you two.

Barbara (glaring at Talia): I'm definitely not going in there now. You're not about to insult me and then push me into green slime.

Talia (in denial): You know what? You need some time to think this over and agree to it. I’ll leave you here in this gorgeous tea room and return in twenty minutes. I know you’ll make the right decision. Father, keep watch of her.

Talia exited with a graceful stride, not allowing Barbara to get a word in or continue to refuse her offer. Ra's pulled out his cell phone and handed her an older-looking iPhone.

Ra's: His number is in this phone; he’s labeled "Ahbil."

Barbara nodded, took the phone, and hit the button to contact Bruce's number. Bruce reluctantly answered the unknown call, as his night job often led to strange calls like this.

Barbara: Hey… Bruce, it's Oracle.

Ra's: We don’t need to go by codenames; I know your name is Barbara.

Barbara: Private call, Ra's!

Bruce (confused): Why are you calling me from an unknown number?

Barbara: Talia kidnapped me and is offering to push me into the pit so it can 'fix' my disability, and when I say "offering," I mean she will not let me leave until I agree to it.

Bruce (shocked): What?

Barbara: Yeah. She said I’d be fine, which is a crock of bullshit. I've seen what the pit does to people; Jason has told me. I made it clear I’m not doing that. She said I have no choice unless you come to save me.

Bruce: She said I… And you’re stuck there—God damn it, Jim is going to kill me!

Barbara: Yeah, he might actually shoot you if I end up going crazy, or at least arrest you. She’s not stating it, but this seems to be a mix of good intentions with bad thinking, and she wants you back. Think you can be here soon?

Bruce: Yeah. I’ll text everyone and we’ll be headed there in a few hours. Tell her I’ll be there and that you won’t be wheeled to the pit until we get there. Do everything you can to avoid being pushed in!

Barbara: I will try my best; the mad king next to me is actually on my side with leaving, so he might be able to help.

Ra's: I’m… going to let that one slide because you called me king.

Bruce: I have to deal with Ra's—that just dawned on me. This is ridiculous, but you're my friend, and Jim will kill me if I mess this up. That guy sees me as his friend, and I can’t lose that!

Barbara (chuckling): Men and their weird friendships. Just hurry up.

Bruce agreed and ended the call while Ra's poured himself and Barbara some tea.

Ra's: He’s coming?

Barbara: Yes… your daughter is thirsty for a man who doesn't want her. She’s intelligent and all that, decent mom, but she is thirsty.

Ra's (agreeing): I have no idea where this insanity came from.

Ra's coughed from years of exposure to the pit as Barbara rolled her eyes.

Imagine being Alfred during Batman Begins when Bruce leaves to “find himself.” Alfred is worried, but reminds himself that all rich men do this and he’s probably just going to come back as a worldly, obnoxious vegetarian. Then Bruce shows up several years later buff as hell and it’s like no, he’s a ninja. he’s a ninja and he wants to terrorize Gotham in a bat costume.

Jason finds out the same stalker kid that used to hang off gargoyles to photograph him mid-patrol is the kid that forced his way into the Robin mantle the second he died and he immediately assumes that Tim's been plotting his downfall since he was seven years old and has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to steal his job.

Jason, looking at the footage of Robin!Tim that Talia shows him: that mad bastard... it's a coup. the evil genius has been planning this for half a decade!

Damian, peering over Jason's shoulder at the weedy 13 yr old chasing a murderous Batman around and looking Stressed™ as he does so:

Damian: *slowly looking between Jason and the footage of Tim*

Jason, murmuring: it's a conspiracy...

Damian:

Damian, to Talia: put him back in the pit he needs another round

shoutout to Jim Gordon because that man has to deal with Bruce Wayne & his children in multiple identities and has to pretend he doesn't know they're the exact same people.

Batman: I know it's been a rough night with the Arkham breakout, but we need to go offline for an important mission.

Jim Gordon, who knows full well that Bruce Wayne is about to host a gala and let his kids run absolutely wild terrorizing attendees: ...important?

The office but it's just the Batfamily.

Batman/Bruce, in the middle of a huge argument in the diner room: I have no favorites.

Batman (to the camera): My favorite is Cass. She can neutralize every single one of us.

Camera on cass eating a bagel, while Bruce narrates: And I respect that.

---

Duke: Cass.

---

Cass: Duke.

---

Steph: Cassie!

---

Selina: You know who it is.

---

Jason (to the camera): Dick? Oh that's so fucking easy it's the gremilin

Tim (To the camera): It's the gremlin.

Oracle/Babs (To the camera): Damian.

Steph: Evil child.

Damian: Me.

Dick as nightwing in a rooftop walking around with his hands: Oh my god, I can't belive you even asked me this??! We are all a big ass family and- We just keep going, like there's so many people here who I never saw before snd they just *poof* keep spalming and- Like cmon guys get a grip-

Dick (To the camera): *sight*

Dick:... It's Damian.

----

Jason (To the camera) without batting an eye: Tim.

Cameraman: I'm sorry- *checks notes* I'm confused... Didn't you to- Tried. to kill Tim Drake once?

Jason:

Jason: So?

------

Tim (To the camera): I feel like I should say Bruce....

Tim: I mean it needs to be someone I admire, respect, enjoy and stand up for despite all flaws.

Tim: Like despite every single wrongs right?

Tim:

Tim:

Tim, horrofied: Oh my god it's Jason.

Jason on the other side of the window behind Tim wearing a full Red-Hood atire and holding a cellphone gen 1: HA-HA.

----

Alfred (to the camera): It's not Master Bruce.

Bruce: Alfred? Definitely not me.

Dick: It's Bruce.

Alfred (to the camera): You don't raise as many children as the fate bring to your doorstep by yourself, take care of their wounds, wait for them in a cold night without getting any type of rest until you receive a single sign indicating that they got home safe and then get the luxury to choose.

Alfred (To the camera): I wouldn't even consider the luxury of choosing.

Alfred, serving tea at the dinner table: You all made my hair go gray equally.

----

Babs (To the camera): Me.

----

Damian: This is ridiculous, obviously I would pick my father.

Damian to the camera: Nightwing.

---

Harley: I'm not even sure how y'all let me be part of this.

Camera man: We didn't-

---

Commissioner Gordon ( To the camera): If I'm being honest I feel like I resent every single one of them.

Commissioner Gordon: Except of course, my daughter.

This happens a lot actually

Starting to think a cooler headcanon for Clark’s upbringing might just be that the entire town of Smallville collectively decided to just go with it and accept that Martha and John's kid has superpowers, but we don't talk about it.

Someone's tractor gets stuck and nothing can get it out? "Be a dear and run down to the Kents, would you? Ask for Clark?"

"Why Clark, we need a machine--"

"Run along now."

Or if he kicks too hard and the football vanishes into the upper stratosphere, no it didn't, we all collectively saw it land over there *vague hand movements*