*Trigger Warnings: Details And Descriptions Of Su*c*d* Attempt, Su*c*d*l Ideations, Emotional Abuse,

Tuesday, Nov. 1st, 2022

4:35pm

Dear Me,

I’m at the Brookside Market today, and there’s so much on my mind. First, when I woke up this morning, Angel (oldest sister) was in a bad mood and wanted the apartment to herself. I didn’t know what to do with myself because I needed the space too, simple as that. The apartment is a safe space that shelters me from the outside, from New York City, while I am still struggling. It concerned me that she was feeling bad and I wanted to give her space, but I also wanted to talk too, we haven’t talked one-on-one much at all. 

I ended up just staying to myself and offering to make her breakfast, to which she turned down. After I ate, she talked to me about me about my spending impulses after the heels I bought as a birthday present for myself arrived. She wants me to stop being so impulsive with “indulging” myself and stop spending my money carelessly. I told her that I never learned what it means to be responsible with money and practically took advantage of the money available. She was extremely frustrated and abrasive, and went towards assuming that I expect for money to always be there. That I expect people to cover my needs while I indulge in what I want. She’s right? I guess? 

Despite whatever negative consequences come, I just move forward with asking for more money when I’m in hot water, just to put myself in the same situation over and over again. I want to be smarter with money, not only for the purpose of learning, but to be successful with the life I want to live. I just need to be more conscious of how I spend. I need to think about the bigger problems more, and really use my money for my needs, instead of thinking about my immediate wants. I need to be more forward-thinking with my money WHILE using my money to provide for myself independently, starting now. All of my basic needs are being covered, but they won’t anymore. 

She decided that she and Gem are no longer giving me money, so I have to change and provide for myself. BUT, this is not to say that I want to rely on them or take advantage of them, ever (I haven’t even been spending their money when I’m “indulging”). I still feel really bad about my actions in response to them helping me, and I don’t want to continue those actions. To Angel and Gem, I’m so sorry for unintentionally hurting you and spending money that I have and that you gave me on unnecessary things, rather than saving towards my potential apartment or my subway card. It was not smart nor respectful to do so, and I promise to take this information (even with the nasty delivery) and be smarter with my money, and to learn from this and grow from this point onward.

Part 2 Part 3

Watchers in the wave by Tuomas Korpi

this tweet hasn't left my mind once in the two years since it's been posted

Week 1: July 10th - July 16th

Episodes 1x01 - 1x04

Week 2: July 17th - July 23rd

Episodes 1x05 - 1x08

Week 3: July 24th - July 30th

Episodes 1x09 - 2x02

Week 4: July 31st - August 6th

Episodes 2x03 - 2x06

Week 5: August 7th - August 13th

Episodes 2x07 - 2x10

Week 6: August 14th - 20th

Episodes 2x11 - 2x14

Week 7: August 21st - August 27th

Episodes 2x15 - 2x18

Week 8: August 28th - September 3rd

Episodes 3x01 - 3x04

Week 9: September 4th - September 10th

Episodes 3x05 - 3x08

Week 10: September 11th - September 17th

Episodes 3x09 - 3x12

Week 11: September 18th - September 24th

Episodes 3x13 - 3x16

Week 12: September 25th - October 1st

Episodes 3x17- 4x02

Week 13: October 2nd - October 8th

Episodes 4x03 - 4x06

Week 14: October 9th - October 15th

Episodes 4x07 - 4x10

Week 15: October 16th - October 22nd

Episodes 4x11 - 4x14

Week 16: October 23rd - October 29th

Episodes 5x01 - 5x04

Week 17: October 30th - November 5th

Episodes 5x05 - 5x08

Week 18: November 6th - November 12th

Episodes 5x09 - 5x12

Week 19: November 13th - November 19th

Episodes 5x13 - 5x16

Week 20: November 20th - November 26th

Break

Week 21: November 27th - December 3rd

Episodes 5x17 - 6x02

Week 22: December 4th - December 10th

Episodes 6x03 - 6x06

Week 23: December 11th - December 17th

Episodes 6x07 - 6x09

*only 3 episodes

Week 24: December 18th - December 24th

Break

Week 25: December 25th - December 31st

Break

Week 26: January 1st - January 7th

Break

Week 27: January 8th - January 14th

Episodes 6x10 - 6x14

*5 episodes so 6x10 & 6x11 are in the same week

Week 28: January 15th - January 21st

Episodes 6x15 - 6x18

*will adjust the January schedule if needed when we’re given a premiere date

Find the event info here.

I wanna ruin your days so I wanna point out the painful thing I realised:

when Buck had the pulmonary embolism in the Grant-Nash backyard the doctors said that the reason he survived was because he was surrounded by medical professionals but when we saw Maddie and Chimney at the hospital neither had a single drop of blood on them so the only thing that makes sense is that Hen and Eddie were the ones that got Buck stable 🤧

I knew she would!!! 😁❤️👏🏾

(She's gonna LOVE it!! 😁)

*Trigger Warnings: Su*c*d*l thoughts, Self- Deprecation,depression.*

Tuesday, Nov. 1st, 2022

6:48pm

Dear Me,

I’m not really excited about my birthday this Saturday. I think that how I view my birthday directly reflects how I value myself. I convinced myself that I don’t matter as much or am worth much, so why celebrate? I don’t get to celebrate in any way that is enjoyable, if there’s a celebration at all, and the day I’m born doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things.

It’s a reminder of time passing and the stress of the unknown time to come. It’s like a checkpoint to see where I’m at and how much I’ve done in a short amount of time. I never expected that my life would go on for so long, which, inherently, is a good thing (apparently), but it scares me. 

I don’t think that I’m worth the effort, but I know that I would be upset otherwise.

So, let’s hope I feel better when the day comes…