Emzy-unvibe - Emzy

On my summer grind

Reblogs appreciated <3

[This is a digital painting, not a photo]

I have a deep and complex sadness within me. the complexity comes from the fact I have no idea what causes it

nor doodles 🤎

having friends is literally just like hey i drew this for u (i love you) i just found a batshit insane image and i can’t look at it alone so i’m sending it to you (i love you) it’s 4 am and i’m gonna bully you until you fall asleep (i love you) you need to eat today or else i’m gonna throw hands (i love you) i want to squeeze your ocs like a stress ball (i love you) we’re halfway across the globe from eachother in completely different timezones but i still say good morning anyway (i love you)

Hey, good-looking.

some silly buttercup doodles

one thing that continually surprises? frustrates? me abt having a stable enough life, being not suicidal Anymore is that sometimes I Am again. not in that Means Plans Intent trifecta. Just. a piece of me starts saying "you should kill yourself."

and it's wailing and crying and like when you're responsible for a baby suddenly wailing and crying I can't just Shush it. it's expressing some need that isn't met, some stressor that's overwhelming, some desire for Escape and an Out. but wailing and crying and saying "you shouldn't be alive" because that's what it knows

so I have to gently, exasperatedly, still hearing those chants of "just die, it's easier, disappear", feed and water and care for this baby. give it toys. take it on a walk. wait for those hiccuping sobs to turn to quiet sighs.

then maybe get an answer. what happened. what's gone wrong. the baby didn't like "my friends don't want to go to this thing with me and I'm taking it as a Rejection of wanting to spend time w me" and also "I woke up late and missed a little event I was looking forward to and blame myself because I played video games late into the night when I Shouldn't Have and Knew Better" and maybe "I'm pissed off that I have to go to a Work Event on the Weekend with really unclear expectations when I'd rather be doing something fun" plus "I'm feeling sensitive bc a podcast I listened to hours ago talked abt a way of thinking that is Triggering [for specific reasons] and I might've been mildly dissociating for the better part of this evening"

and parse it out. Okay. I get it. you feel lonely and overtaxed and uncertain about the future and blame yourself for issues now but with the moral valence of [specifics redacted]. also this has caused a fair bit of pain flare.

then your sad, wounded, tired shell has to make a life worth living out of this. and life is worth living, and it will be, and these are now problems you can work on and share honestly with people who care about you and find different ways of balancing your time and energy and give yourself a little treat and connect with something you enjoy

and you're not going to kill yourself. you'll make things better. but it's still tiring.

mans

Thrice Upon a Time.