Normalize This Kind Of Conversation

[ID: six gifs of to my star. 1: a cup gets dropped and ji woo checks on seo joon to make sure he's okay. 2: ji woo shields seo joon from seeing a defaced poster of himself. 3: seo joon notices a new rug with a moon in the apartment. 4: seo joon cuts himself while cooking and ji woo sucks the blood from his finger. 5: ji woo grabs eggs and then puts them back since seo joon dislikes eggs. 6: seo joon notices a new space poster in the apartment. END ID]

@queercreators event 02: romance — to my star

 ↳ ji woo expressing love nonverbally

Oooof didn't realise these two will end up clashing...dang ...may have to consider not starting not me when it airs...how will I fend off the spoilers thooo

i’m sorry for the person i’ll become when not me starts airing at the same time as bad buddy. it’s gonna be gmm lockdown in this house.

also the cutest thing ive ever seen happen in a show fandom is bbs watchers collectively calling pat a "walking green flag". that imagery is so precious to me. so so precious.

Color Rush- Crushes and Obstacles (Ep 5-6)

So I already analysed episode 5 of Color rush with the question focusing on the nature vs nurture of monos and probes. We basically have a show that keeps reminding us about the world and stigma of being a mono, the psychological regression, issues and lack of control that occurs once a  mono meets their fated probe. Because of this ideology, our main character finds himself being forced to make a choice of if he should embrace becoming a monster to keep his probe by his side or if he should be alone forever stuck in a depressive state, empty and lifeless. The issue with this way of thought is that apart from maybe the media showing him clues about how monos react when they meet their probes, there’s not enough evidence in my opinion that this is the only choice/way for a mono and probe to end up. Especially since our mono had seen a relationship where it was more or less successful before the mono maybe lost control once the probe died, that’s his mum and dad. So this analysis focuses more on that same question is it really the only ending for a mono and probe relationship; to end with chaos, and pain, and obsession, kidnaps, crimes etc., or is this just all a placebo effect that has been embedded into the minds of monos to be this way.

Monos and Their Probes

Let’s look at the details of episode 5 and 6. Yeonwoo and Yoohan’s relationship evolves as they both start to fall more and more for each other. For Yeonwoo, this is hard because he’s never known what that feels like, and his crush and attraction to Yeonwoo is even more enhanced in his mind because of the connection and link to Yoohan being his probe. But if we don’t focus on the fact that Yoohan and Yeonwoo are probes and monos and just see them as two high school boys who have feelings for each other who went on a date, went home after and chilled, their relationship becomes like every other normal relationship, no danger, no questions of obsession and addiction. Pause.

Devotion vs Obsession

When we have feelings for people we tend to become obsessed and addicted to their presence just a bit, it’s because of the serotonin, and dopamine released when we have a puppy love, a crush or even when we start to fall even more deeply for someone. It’s feelings of happiness, of euphoria, excitement, and more. So Yeonwoo and Yoohan just like every other couple are going through phases of these euphoric feelings, wanting to spend as much time with each other as possible, wanting to touch each other, wanting to stay together every single time. It’s what happens in a honeymoon phase of a relationship. You can’t let go of the other person. Now this doesn’t mean for us we want to go kidnap and commit crimes to keep our crush next to us, we may miss them, and want to keep talking to them but it doesn’t mean we’re insane, addicted or obsessed. Do you see my point?

I think Yeonwoo truly has exaggerated his feelings of a crush on Yoohan. He’s made it so much more worse than it has to be because he’s been fearmongered by the media into thinking just because he doesn’t want Yoohan to leave it means he’s turning into a monster when really he’s just liking and crushing on his new crush. He didn’t have to make the decision to go buy these kidnapping tools and to think of ways to make himself a monster, since that’s the only choice he believes he’s left with. No, he could have like every other normal person just missed him. So why is Yeonwoo letting himself go deeper into obsession and addiction and letting himself think he is a monster? In order to really look deeper to see if it’s truly the only end for a mono, or if it’s the environment that is making them this way; we have to analyse the psychological mindset of monos when they meet with their probes

Monos: The world of Lonliness and Depression 

The metaphor already for monos is lack; they lack color, lack brightness, lack vibrancy in their lives. They’ve been forced since birth to see the world in such a dark and oblique way. And as they find out about their condition, they are seen as monsters from the get-go, forced to be alone to avoid people in case they bump into their fated probes. The loneliness and the forced mindset of a mono to stay in this lifeless energy is really psychologically depressing and tiring. And it’s when they get a glimpse of hope, of companionship, love, colour, and more with their probes that Monos start to feel happy and joyful. Now it doesn’t have to be this way, Monos could end up feeling comfortable with their condition if they were just treated equally and right, but no they’re prejudiced, pushed away and bullied horribly once it’s discovered that this is what they are.

From a young age, monos are told that they are going to be monsters, they are going to hurt people, they are going to lose their minds one day. And this is just exacerbated in the media with fears and warnings of how monos interact with their probes. If from a young age, a mono is repeatedly told, this is who they are, then it forms a placebo belief and effect, and brainwash that this is the only way they can be. Mono’s don’t see any other way out, or a chance to be different because everyone feeds to them the same narrative of pain, despair and obsession. And it sucks. Look at how immediately Yeonwoo’s aunt reacts when she notices Yeonwoo and Yoohan have found each other, she immediately scolds him and tells him he has to move, so he doesn’t break and lose his sanity. She doesn’t give it the benefit of the doubt, or ask questions; she resorts immediately into trying to push them away from each other.

Now, this makes sense because she has lost her sister who was a mono who probably lost her mind once her probe died. And then went missing/ taken by maybe another mono (that’s what it seems Yeonwoo and his aunt believe happened). Because of this, there is a negative stigma with the aunt on how monos can behave, she has already lost so much because of monos, and so she doesn’t want Yeonwoo to be the same. The aunt is like everybody else in this world, whose first reaction to monos is to push away and to avoid, this world isolates and distances monos away from a chance to be happy, and live freely because of their condition.

The Psychological Implications of Being a Mono

The psychological implications of being a mono are so fascinating to me. It’s like a psychological disorder (despite it not being that way) are all psychopaths forced to hurt and become serial killers? Are all sociopaths meant to avoid people just because there’s a higher tendency that people could get hurt if it goes awry? No. Because just because you have a gene or a link to a family member that went crazy and started hurting people, it doesn’t mean you would make the same choice and do the same thing. Not everyone is the same just because they have the same disorder or mindset. And that’s the same for monos, monos don’t have to go crazy and hurt their probes. The separation from their probes obviously enhances anxiety and fear of going back into this lifeless, darkness that they finally found a way out of; this is what drives their actions. It’s just enhanced emotions and enhanced fears, but they don’t have to act on it, the people who do act on it are people who were weak or predisposed to other factors that make them want to be violent. Yeonwoo doesn’t have to plan ways to kidnap or take Yoohan when Yoohan would gladly stay by his side. He doesn’t have to be this broken or fearful of becoming a monster; he’s making these choices because he has a placebo mindset that this is who he should become. And it’s heartbreaking.

The thing is we see  Yoohan and Yeonwoo having a great time together, being happy and liking each others company without the color rush having to be the only focus of why they’re interacting. We do get to see Yeonwoo panic because of decolouring, and he enhances those emotions because of his already ingrained anxiety about what it means to want to keep Yoohan by his side. The way I see it, Yeonwoo has formed an anxiety about who he is because of how the world treats him and other monos, and because he has that issue with stress coupled with physical evidence that he’s losing colour, it drives him to think it’s a sign he’s becoming a monster. It’s not.

First of all, of course, he becomes worried and scared about losing colours, the decolouring effect is like going from a high to a low, when colour rush happens to monos it’s a euphoric effect, it doesn’t last, but like a drug it can lead to a crash and a hangover, so of course immediately Yoohan leaves Yeonwoo starts to crash and regress back into seeing the world as grey, and that makes his mindset also feel depressed coupled with the fact he does not want Yoohan to go because of his crush (not dependency). So Yeonwoo misunderstands his reactions when Yoohan leaves as him becoming addicted and obsessed with Yoohan with no point of return when really he’s just moody because his high is gone and he misses Yoo Han as a normal person does with their crush. So he’s talking himself into thinking the only explanation is his dependency on Yoohan for color and his obsession as a mono growing. And it’s sad, monos have been forced to feel this way, that they’re predatory, horrifying and cruel in their love when really they’ve just met the one, and they wish to be happy.

Society vs Monos

It’s his aunty who triggers this emotion, her conversation with him made him think there’s no other way out of becoming this monster because she put that fear that he may be forced to separate from Yoohan. And this is really where I think Monos become the versions they are shown (crazy, obsessed, crimes) in the news because not every mono and probe is going to be in love, not every probe may want to be with their monos, everyone has a different circumstance and that fear of losing colors, may drive a mono to doing things. However, I don’t think it’s natural for them to become so obsessed and so desperate to live with colors so much that they hunt down their probes and hurt others. That’s a specific few, ones that had those warped mindsets, or a more problematic background or a harsher philosophy. Not everyone becomes violent, some monos probably retreat from their probes and stay depressed, some fall in love with someone who isn’t a probe, there are so many different ways it could go, the thing is monos are only shown in one light, and that’s the people who chose to go far to keep their probes by their side through fear.

This self-hate and deprecation Yeonwoo has of who he is naturally reminds me so much of internalised homophobia, hating who you are naturally and thinking you’re wrong because of how society has made you see yourself. It’s the same feelings; the disgust, the anxiety, the repression etc. And we’ve already mentioned how monos and probes are probably metaphors of LGBTQ+ struggle, society making monos think it’s wrong to be with the people who love them and they love. This self-hate will make Yeonwoo feel he has no other option but to check himself into a hospital or institution or to (trigger warning)  end his life. And that’s just so messed up. I’ve seen many people question his mindset because from what we’re seeing his mother seems like she had a happy marriage with his father, shouldn’t she be proof that monos and probes can be healthy? But I think we’re forgetting that his father died, and from knowing how monos react to missing their probes, I’m guessing his mum couldn’t take it and also lost some of her sanity or she fell into depression and couldn’t get out of that. Also as mentioned, I think Yeonwoo thinks it’s a mono that kidnapped his mum, and so that also maybe gives him more resentment towards who he is, and again makes him think monos only end up committing crimes and hurt people they love.

But we need to know more about why he thinks this way and what other evidence they have about his mother’s missing case. Plus his mother has not been by his side for four years, and in those four years he’s been bullied, mistreated, have to move schools each time his condition is found out, so it’s been a long time of society again making him think he’s a monster, and without his mum there to help him see different, he just follows that mindset, unfortunately.

Yeonwoo and Yoohan; Just a crush

For Yeonwoo and Yoohan, their relationship is not just based on dependence, Yeonwoo thinks it’s the colours, and he does not understand it’s just feelings and him liking Yoohan since he first met him. Yeonwoo has had to push people away, and find excuses not to have friends, and Yoohan barged into his life without warning, both have been attracted and wanting each other from the start. Yeonwoo struggled with this information and rationalised it into thinking it’s because he wants the colour rush, but it isn’t that, it’s more than that, he just wants to be happy, in love and with Yoohan. Yoohan is the same as Yeonwoo, he’s also had to push people away, and alienate himself, and not care about the world or society because of his own condition, seeing Yeonwoo made him want to do more, he liked what Yeonwoo was to him, he liked having a crush on Yeonwoo, and so he also found himself wanting to stay with Yeonwoo for as long as he can. For a long time I’ve also been thinking he was just as obsessed and addicted to Yeonwoo like monos are to their probes, but no, he’s a teenage boy with a crush, and so is Yeonwoo. We also let the media and how society views mono make us feel worried and scared about these two’s relationship forming and whilst it was thrilling to think it could be more dangerous than it is, it’s really just two people falling in love with each other, and one psychologically scarred and brainwashed into thinking there’s something wrong with who he is naturally. And that’s just painful.

So yeah Color Rush; a look into psychological mindsets, nature vs nurture, the addictive feeling of what love is, and more, this show is so fun to watch and analyse and see how it’s going to turn out, but there are moments where it hurts and makes you think and question how society and media play a role in showing minorities, how they control the narrative about certain things and if that’s right. Fearmongering, prejudiced mindsets and more isn’t cool, but the world has always been led by these ignorant ideas without education and open mindsets, and it sucks. So watching color rush is an interesting metaphor and symbolism for the struggles some people have because of stigmas associated with conditions they have from birth, or just ideologies formed that isn’t necessarily true about who they are as a person, it only leads to self-hate, depression, anxiety, self-harm just to fit into society’s narrative and it sucks. Let’s hope Yoohan shows Yeonwoo he’s not a monster, and he’s okay being himself and loving Yoohan. he doesn’t have to hurt or go insane and do crimes because he’s a mono. He’ll be fine.  

Just saw this tweet, which is an old interview Yin did, and

This explains why Jack is Yin's baby, that's his character, their stories are so similar 😭

not so quick pitch 

Light on Me (2021 - Korea) 

Rating: 10/10

Foundational Romance Trope: friends to love triangle

There were some who thought this BL slow, and I get that, but really it’s just subtle and quiet. With Light on Me, Korea gave us an honest to goodness high school set BL with some classic old school yaoi tropes almost like they were doing a bit of a, 

“now that we’ve hit our stride, let’s perfect the vanilla sheet cake BL style.” 

It was great, of course, but very refined and elegant which some found off putting. It made me think of something like this… 

It’s what Korea does, repackage and perfect vanilla cake into this pretty glowing confection of precision joy. I’m cool with that. By all means, please include BL in the Hallyu take over. This is the K-pop of BL En-Hyphen style, manufactured super-powered cute but… restrained. 

But that doesn’t make it any less gut wrenching to watch. In fact, it makes every subtle tentative movement of care that ShinWoo attempts that much more telling. It makes every fear of exposure that prevents DaOn from taking action that much more traumatic. It makes every moment of TaeKyung’s brutal honestly and blunt communication that much more powerful. 

It’s like that intense moment of focus on the hand flex in an Austen adaptation - we are awaiting every crack in the sugar sculpture with bated breath. 

The filming in this show was precision engineered. The frame was kept uncluttered, characters appeared exactly in the center, there was little visual noise, and the lighting was full on, even in night shots. To me this reflected the character of TaeKyung - honest and almost stilted in his mannerisms. I feel like the director filmed this series as if the show itself were TaeKyung: careful and clear and specific. 

This may come off as one-note or simplistic to a casual viewer but it’s actually quite difficult to film something so precisely and still make it interesting to watch. It forced the viewer to focus almost entirely on the actor’s faces, their nuanced emotion, and their interpersonal relationships to the exclusion of all else. Lucky for us those actors served the lens beautifully. 

There is literally NOTHING distracting about this directing style. It’s like the camera was a neutral white room, a well-lit gallery in which the narrative hung suspended for us all to stand and stare at in hushed silence.

A love triangle has never before looked so perfect or been executed so perfectly, and it never will again. All BL love triangles that come after Light On Me (and we will get them now) are going to be unfavorably compared to this show. 

When I posted about Korea’s history with BL, I talked about how strategic and clever they are with tropes. Light on Me is a master class in how to use tropes to manipulate audience sympathy so they can’t decide which pair they prefer. Korean BL never just throws in a trope without purpose - they calculate its impact on story structure. Basically, LoM used this technique to infect fans with Second Lead Syndrome. It’s SO GOOD.  

So yes, Light on Me was cleverly engineered, but it was also SPECIAL, and here’s why:

This show gave us a small cast of beautifully acted complex and sympathetic characters and dwelled on their different motivations, communication styles, and narrative roles. It gently explored not what it means to love, or even be in love, but what it means to act on love, and what that says about integrity and emotional courage. In doing so, it managed to treat its characters with integrity too. And not just the three main characters but the mentor, the faen fatal, and the best friend support characters too. 

This show felt very fair. Fair to its characters. Fair to its story. And fair to us, the watchers. 

For me this BL was classy, a real winner, not the least of which because they NAILED the landing, including the final kiss. Korea is DOMINATING 2021. Like seriously. What’s going on here?  

Full analysis of the love triangle trope under the context of the second half fo this BL here. 

Bravo, Korea.

(source)

Taekyung's neurodivergance is actually central to the story that Light On Me is telling. If he weren't different, if he didn't miss social cues or misunderstand people's reactions, he wouldn't be pursuing this friendship with Shinwoo. If he didn't have a single-minded focus that nothing could shake, he wouldn't insist on their friendship. None of this would happen if Taekyung understood social cues or the way other people think. His different way of thinking drives the entire story, all his relationships and all the ways he's helping the people around him. The same things that kept him isolated are now winning over the people he's coming to care for and that's beautiful.

Bad Buddy Ep. 9: Tiny PatPran Kisses

Me, an asexual: This actor on this TV show has a really beautiful face. It’s amazing how pretty it is.

Friend: That was the most asexual way you could’ve complimented his appearance.

Me: Certainly not. I could’ve said “He makes me thirsty… thirsty for coffee whilst sitting across from him staring at his glorious face :) ”

Friend: That was actually clever; I’ll give you that one.