Eventually-getting-it-together - I'm Doing My Best...ish

There's so many new cases in my state. K-12 got a week long spring break. It ends Monday, and I'm honestly so worried about returning to in person instruction. A lot of families travelled and didn't take proper precautions. There's going to be rapid testing for most K-12 before spring break ends, but I'm worried because it's only so accurate and it's voluntary. I'm fully vaccinated, but some of these kids are high risk because of asthma and diabetes and other health conditions. I'll survive if I'm jobless or my substitute teaching hours are cut again, but these kids struggle so much with online learning. My suffering in fully online college is only a glimpse into what they go through. My heart goes out to them. I think we're going to have another shutdown soon. It's completely necessary, but still hard.

Today I am trying to get ahead with my classes. My classes started this past Wednesday and it is now Saturday. I feel very disorganized because my asynchronous classes have me completing modules, but not all of the due dates are posted. It's really hard to find a schedule, but I'm going to set that up today. Today I'm working on:

1) reading curriculum guidelines on online experiences

2) making my initial discussion post about it

3) finding an old algebra or geometry textbook in my basement to help me brainstorm ideas for the 5+ hours of related internet instruction I'll be creating for a class

4) setting up an outline of my first lesson plan

5) reading 2 short chapters for another class

6) watching a presentation

7) looking at a long term assignment

8) making another initial discussion post

*I'd work at my desk but my father currently has Netflix blaring and is snoring. I can still hear literally everything but this is the quietest room in the house. If I go near him I'm probably going to end up screaming at him about how impossible it is to work in this house. My state is currently in full shut down (no indoor dining, no libraries for studying, I'm not allowed on school campus, etc). I guess my room is as good as it gets.

(via)

Last night I ended up having another anxiety attack before bed. My heart was beating hard and fast and was uncomfortable. I had a stress rash all over my chest. I couldn't stop crying. I had a hard time breathing. I felt like I was going to throw up. It's just the stress of school + not being able to register for a vaccine + feeling pressure from work to in person sub + my grandpa dying about a month ago + my grandma being in the hospital + my mom being the bipolar and manipulative sociopath she is + the whole pandemic. I feel so inadequate sometimes :/

never underestimate the power of:

• cleaning off your laptop/computer

• changing your sheets

• straightening up your room

• changing out your toothbrush

• drinking water

• changing the lock/homescreens on your phone

• changing your phone case

• changing your pajamas

• putting on chapstick

• washing your face and putting on moisturizer

• putting lotion on your body

^Today's set up. Currently reading about online teaching practices.

I'm in a really pissy mood because my dad has been very very very hard to live with as of late. I'm currently in my room with literal ear plugs in and I can still hear the TV blaring. The house has the worst set up and everything is heard everywhere. However, he's a grown ass adult and can go down stairs and watch tv there. I miss the quiet floor of the library so much 😥

me making another post for my 12 followers knowing that it will get approximately 4 notes

I've been a mess lately, but it's a good kind of mess. I actually felt ~happy~ yesterday. It was a foreign feeling. I've been trying to catch myself feeling happy or proud of myself. It's the same idea as trying to catch kids being good instead of catching kids when they're being bad. I had a really good day at work yesterday. Driving home I was a bit stressed, but I heard some great feedback and I was just on cloud 9... well compared to stressy and depressy. I really needed that with the pandemic, online classes, weird hybrid subbing, my grandma, and just everything else.

I love it

So there’s this artist, Alex Schaefer, who makes a bunch of paintings of Chase Bank burning.

There’s just

so many of these

and I think it’s incredibly funny but

I just read this bit from the artist and

This is a "plein air" painting which means I set up my easel right across the street of this Chase bank in my city and painted it like it had caught fire. The police questioned me on the spot. Three weeks later Homeland Security was knocking on the door to my home. The question they kept asking me was "Do you hate these banks?" I can honestly say yes.

And I just think this is the greatest artist statement I’ve ever read.

Definetly not my most productive day. I'm proud of what I got done, but it just wasn't nearly what I needed to do. I'm still bumbed out from yesterday. I'm actually behind schedule this week (not just because I joined a class late). On Wednesday I was too depressed to do any schoolwork and slept and watched videos most of the day. Today I couldn't get focused until about 11am. I woke up somewhat early, but I definetly slept in compared to my schedule last year/pre covid.

What I did today:

● wrote two initial discussion posts (~700 words total)

● replied to a discussion post (another ~300 words)

● got half way through this week's Environmental Statistics module

● attempted to do some affirmations in the mirror today (I have horrible self esteem and body image... it's been particularly bad lately)

With that I'm going to listen to some Headspace and go to bed 😴😴😴