From The Cherenkov Radiation Wikipedia Page

the scientists used to enter my enclosure with radiation suits on. they were advised not to get close to me cause if i bit them or they hung around me too long, they could get a lethal dose of radiation.

but some of them still would pet me when they pumped me full of chemicals. some would leave parts of their lunch for me near the entrance to my enclosure. the way some of them looked at me...i think they forgot that i was just a reanimated corpse of a wolfdog that had been be so modified it could barely be considered a wolfdog anymore. i much more resembled some kind of alien or shapeshifter.

still though...some of the scientists wanted and still want the best for me. even now that they remotely monitor me.

sometimes i can hear their radio calls in my head. make observations about my behavior. giving me migraines to deter me from getting too close to humans. making my body hurt and ache when i stray too far from where Im meant to be.

i wish my current environment was more like my enclosure. nice and foggy and chilly. mostly wastelands expect for a few sparce shrubs and dead trees. i used to dig burrows in the dirt and sleep underground. i miss the smell of dirt.

jed the wolfdog is really the closest ive found to how i look. im a black and white wolfdog that has patterning similar to a husky or a malamute.

like his pattern is so close to mine.

ive been trying to look into what dog breed i might be and i found images of sled dogs that really hit home.

this one especially. i feel like my pattern is a mix between this sled dog and jeds's pattern.

and then the white parts of my fur glow blue at night..

had phantom pain in my tail all day today. i couldn't get my tail to stop being underneath me so i sat on it the entire shift at work and it kept aching :(

kept having a tingling sensation on the back of my neck and shoulder too. must have been my hackles being raised the entire time :(

i don't like it when others refer to me as a dog.

thats something only I can call myself.

(discussing trauma related to being treated like a pet or servent, please proceed with caution. nothing graphic is discussed but just incase)

when others call me a dog...it makes me so uncomfortable and it feels like its connected to really deeply repressed problems that the overall system has had.

being treated as a servent and being seen as something less. expected to follow orders. to stay in line. to always be at beck and call.

i can call myself a dog cause that doesn't hold any meaning behind it. but when someone else starts to treat us like a dog or call us "good boy" it triggers this...fawning in us. such a deeply rooted fear. fear connected to harmful and painful consequences if we do not do what we are told. so we try to be this "good boy". do what they want and they will leave us be. that kind of thought process.

i can see why dune is so uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a collar. as nice as it would be to be able to...i feel similarly.

as something that has been treated as less than human and unworthy of basic human rights...i can see why we have such a strong want to reclaim nonhumanity for ourselves.

others can be dogs and enjoy it. but i can't. and neither can Dune. i may be a wolfdog, but i dont wanna explore any kind of possible "dogness" or breeds or anything.

im happy for those who can love being a dog and all that comes with it and enjoy the companionship of humanity.

i can remember enjoying times with the scientists too...

but i cannot allow others to refer to me as a dog or treat me like one. it is deeply deeply triggering for us.

Sonar and Dune both struggle greatly with feeling like they must serve humanity. it was so so so drilled into them that they were the ones to be walked all over and not respected.

i hold similar fears of humanity just cause that trauma runs so deep in us. i feel ashamed cause its such a...""sterotype"" of being nonhuman. unfortunately its an uncontrollable factor for us.

i cannot help that our brain has made us associate all humans with danger. its unfortunate and i want us to be able to let that go someday. but its not going to be soon.

i just...have seen others talking about hardships with being associated with dogs. and how it can be triggering. i saw a lot of ourselves in those posts.

we struggle similarly with a lifetime of having it be taught to us that we are not worthy and how below others we are.

i hope one day that i can learn to love the dog part of myself. and embrace all the quirks and joys of it. but it is not going to be soon and it hurts and causes severe flashbacks for us rn.

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any other canine therians live away from town n when something goes bump in the night you are ALERT and AWAKE my ears are SWIVELING and my hackles are RAISED WHERE’S THE DANGER WHERE IS IT

x

Harley Cowan