I Wish I Could Just Properly Articulate How Much Love Is A Fear For BlackArachnia (tf:s). (CW : Trauma

I wish I could just properly articulate how much love is a fear for BlackArachnia (tf:s). (CW : Trauma and bad feels)

Seriously, the only song I can use to describe her fear is litterally a song about kidnapping. (“Tag, Your It” - Melanie Martinez)

Finding out she was left for dead by the love of her life was like a gut-wrenching, tearing out of any feelings she ever had. She had been abandoned, the only bot she ever loved, left her for spider-food. How could anyone be that cruel? Did he even care? Shouldn’t he have come back for her, even if it was years later? No. He never did. She became BlackArachnia 17,573 years after her shell had been killed.

In Beasts On Earth!!, she tried every form of method to keep SilverBolt away, to show see never needed such weak and painful feelings, she didn’t need to be betrayed so painfully again. She even ensured he would die from the foraging of killer spiders she planted in his chest, and even then, after he miraculously survived, he took care of the one left he insisted on keeping, and still said he loved her.

Just like Optimus. He didn’t give up on her. Every fight, every hurtful word, every near-death issue. He wanted to be with her.

How is this possible?

Her spark couldn’t calm down in her hardend chassis. Her limbs were not responding to any thought from her processor. Everything was closing in yet falling apart all at the same time. Her vision was darkening and she felt sick from the deepest parts of her spark. It was all too much for her. Why did she have to feel this way? All these stupid emotions and stupid feeling and stupid fragging maximals that had to be so perfect and great and innocent.

"Do you even know what that does to me, Orion? To constantly be met with understanding and patience and…and you?" Her voice cracks slightly, her anger beginning to fray at the edges, revealing the vulnerability beneath. "It's infuriating."

"…Why are you so damned understanding?!" Elita bursts out, her optics flashing with helpless frustration. "Everytime I yell, every time I push, you just…Absorb it!" She slams her hand against the wall, leaving an impression. "It's maddening!"

"It makes me angry! It makes me so angry that I can't even be mad at you properly!" She pauses, her optics flickering rapidly. "You make it impossible to dislike you! You're the most irritatingly decent mech I've ever encountered!"

"…You think I push everyone away because I want to?" Her voice drops dangerously low, a dangerous glint in her optics. "Maybe I just can't stand most mechs. Ever consider that?" She snaps, but there's a hint of vulnerability she can't quite disguise.

"…Why are you still being decent about this?! I'm being a total jerk! Why aren't you yelling?!" Her arms cross tightly over her chest. "I thought you would finally tell me to…To shut up or leave or something!" She finishes in a frustrated shout, her voice echoing off the walls. "But no, you just have to be…You!" She gestures at him in exasperation. "Always so calm and understanding and…Ugh!"

“…I don’t have a sparkling,” she said again, as if trying to convince herself none of this was real. “I don’t love.”

“I can’t believe they became leaders of the factions…Despite what awful cowards they are…” BlackArachnia muttered in tears, her voice just barely heard over the rustling of the tree.

“…That wrech doesn’t deserve the fame he has! He abandoned me, like everyone else always does!” BlackArachnia hissed back at him, her claws scratching harshly at the bark, causing ScatterSpot to cling to SilverBolt’s leg.

“You don’t care! You never could! Just abandon me as well let me crawl back home!” BlackArachnia snarled back, continuing to scratch at the tree.

“…I’m good on my own. I’m strong, indipendant, I don’t need stupid love to make it work! I’m better off on my own! Why can’t you see that?!”