Loneliness

The Temptation of Silence

Oh, how tempting that mistress is,

to be shut away and not a bother to nobody,

To make absolutely no-one the sadder

by reciting the same pains that ailed them.

Oh, how tempting that emptiness is,

to be quiet and subdued and unnoticed,

To make absolutely nothing go worse than it already has

by moving again to the great god of failure.

Oh, how tempting that nothingness is,

to be perfect and nonexistent and unbothered,

To make absolutely everything nothing, and nothing everything

by emptying the whole world of its contents.

Oh, how tempting that silence is,

to destroy my self in mine own vainglory.

A Broken Vase

This vase is broken.

It is chipped, cracked, and damaged.

It is broken like a million other vases.

Yes, it is broken.

Hurt like a million others, indeed.

Each one uniquely hurt, each one uniquely changed.

This broken vase is worthless.

It is broken. It serves no purpose.

It would be better to throw it away.

No, it can heal.

And when it is healed, it will be unique.

It will be a simple vase no longer.

The broken vase will stay broken.

It will never be fixed to mint condition.

It must be thrown away.

Yes, the damage will stay.

But it will be fixed to be different.

It will be unique and special and beautiful.

This is a broken vase. We must throw it away.

I am beginning to believe that the vase is not the problem here.

As I put my elbow on the table and the hand under my mastoid bone and grab at my short hair I stop and think

wow okay, that felt strangely feminine why did I do that

hmmmm... should I deprive myself of human interaction...?

Impostor

I, a false pretender to the throne

command thee thus: stay away

from me, from my filth, from the

degeneracy of my very being.

There is nothing good here.

No beauty to redeem. No

great ambition or fame

to be found in this husk.

Do not argue. You may not

tell me about how great I already am.

I fear you may convince me. It feeds

the narcissism, the complacency.

I will not be great. I will not be good.

Do not place your hopes upon me.

I merely take and take and take what's not mine

so that I can pretend I had a part in creation.

Go. Cast my chains off thee.

Be free. Be happy. Be real.

I will hold myself back and watch

with a jealous, happy smile.

I Don't Deserve A Thing

I don't deserve to be happy, I'm just another useless fool,

Doing nothing and nothing and nothing till the end of time,

and if saving the someone took 10 hours of my life and I wouldn't be noticed,

then I'd probably just let them die whatever death out of laziness.

I don't deserve to be sad, I've been relatively lucky,

I am fed, with a roof over my head, constant electricity, more clothes than I know what to do with, and the sky is blue,

and it doesn't matter that I was beaten and yelled at and traumatized,

because everyone else had it much worse and got over it, so why can't I?

I don't deserve to be wanted, I'm not supposed to be wanted,

Anybody who wants me is greatly appreciated and surely a fool,

for anybody who could love this person with this face is a miracle,

a miracle of idiocy and foolishness and complete lack of judgement.

I don't deserve to be hated, why would you hate me,

it brings you nothing and I'm not even worthy of hate,

instead please ignore me, ignore everything I say,

for the silent treatment is worse than the loudest slur.

I don't deserve to talk, I don't deserve to be known,

I don't deserve to be heard louder than the people who starve,

or the people who bleed, or the people who lose, or the people who die,

I don't deserve to deserve at all, anything in this lucky, cruel world.

today i am going to run on the treadmill until either my lungs or my legs give out

the pain will remind me to exist

Finally did it this time.

3rd time’s the charm.

today i am going to run on the treadmill until either my lungs or my legs give out

the pain will remind me to exist

Who is Speaking?

Who is this?

three people in one

one person as two

put on a mask and done!

Is the fair lady speaking?

She is quite fun.

Let's decide on a date

and go for a run!

Is the young boy speaking?

He is quite kind.

I hope he is not so sad.

The world is good, I'm sure he'll find.

Is the good sir speaking?

He is quite professional.

I think he will go a long way.

His intelligence is indeed exceptional.

Are all three of them speaking?

I sure hope they are.

Each one brings something different

Like three types of shining star.

A Tree Falls

A tree falls in the forest.

Nobody is nearby. Nobody to hear.

Does it even make a sound?

A tree falls in the forest.

It will impact the ecosystem

even more than it impacts the ground.

A lighthouse stops its beacon.

A ship nearby is lost and weary.

It cannot see. It runs aground.

A man dies alone in his hut.

He was kind, he was friendly, he was good.

At his funeral, no friends of his could be found.

But one kind lady far away might remember.

He had helped her find her way, a long time ago.

And so his memory, perhaps, will be skyward bound

as the man who loved everybody but himself.