HAPPY INTERNATIONAL ASEXUALITY DAY!!

imposter syndrome when you make music is like:

ok i think i'm ready to show it

[shows it] [good reactions]

2 interpretations of the "good reactions"

• the good reactions seem polite : they now must think that you're dumb and have no future and they don't know why they're supporting you in what you do ; you thank them but inside you it's "never again am i showing this to anyone"

• the good reactions seem sincere, they even have specific favorite parts, you talk about it for some time with them afterwards : you think you finally reached the right audience, it's got something, it's my thing, it won't please everyone but some people might like it ----- one month later, randomly working on music → your brain: oh remember this time when you showed them this song? well actually they were lying, they hated it, and you made yourself a fool by trusting them like, do you really think your music is good? you're so dumb, the parts they said were their favorites? they focused on one little thing that was not too bad to make you believe they really liked it

So either reaction, I feel like I'm a little kid with a drawing, that no one wants to tell me what they really think about it and only lie to make me feel good but now I have no idea if that's really good, because I have no benefit of hindsight with my work

But when people don't like it I feel discouraged and when people like it I think they're lying

How am I supposed to ask people to play my song when thinking like that, how am I supposed to call on professionals to produce it, how am I supposed to promote it and take some space with it? I'm afraid people who like me as a person feel obligated to listen to it to prove they're good friends and give an opinion on it

i'm like a swan, you know?

There are some people in this life that i like very much

i miss my little monster

I've had this idea for a zine for the longest time and I finally made it! Inspired by and dedicated to all of my fellow fangirls* :')

As always, I'm sharing a high res pdf for standard A4-sized paper so you can print this zine yourself!

just realized my favorite genre is horror and that I love it since I'm a kid and I've no idea where it comes from

like i've read so many horror books and seen so many horror videos and movies and video games and never realized until now that horror was a big part of my existence

i don't know if that's weird and what it's saying about me

pollution won't kill me

war won't kill me

money won't kill me

depression won't kill me

bullies won't kill me

administrative stuff will

am in love with art

does anybody knows why

some more W.I.T.C.H. doodles now that i've read all of the comics

i've just come to a thought, about gender, and somehow, wigs (???)

🌸 (skip to part "🍄" for the real thought)

for context about myself, i struggle to identify gender as a big thing, like for me it has the same weight as eye color or haircut when i describe a person (so to me sexism and gender discrimination as well as the whole society dividing our population between "males" and "females" is nonsense)

instead, when i see someone, i encompass their main characteristics and link that to a face and when i can, a name. [Assumed] gender is often one of the characteristics that i remember the best, along with haircut and -color and height (i have no idea why) + a unique physical or vocal thing that stands out. But gender is at no point the main thing, I rather see the whole person (or what i know and remember about them), often including gender.

🌼 (it was a long contextualization sorry)

so when it came to questioning my own gender, i struggled a lot and had a few theories, things i explored to know what i was the most comfortable with (i still don't have a clear answer btw)

one of the "theories" was gender fluidity, back when i was in highschool. The way i was thinking of it was : sometimes i feel more "masculine" and prefer to be perceived as someone with "masculine" characteristics, sometimes more "feminine" // ; but sometimes i felt like i was disgusted of being perceived as a woman, or as a man, (tbh most of the time i just hate to be perceived but that's not the point), so i tended towards a more neutral look, but, it was not only about gender. Those "masculine", "feminine" and "neutral" characteristics that i was looking for, actually had nothing to do with gender, because as i recall, i don't see gender. I was just biased by society stereotypes that we've been taught since birth. What was actually happening, is that those types of clothes + this mood i woke up with + these events in my day + these people or group of people i will meet was making me feel like "this is how i want to be perceived and/or this is how i would like to feel like today". It could be as "someone confident", "someone classy", "comfy in winter type", "dark sleep-deprived grrl", "rain and lost wave mood", "fit-in and not standing out type" etc.

so gender fluid I was not (maybe you consider I am but I don't think of myself like that)

🍄

so here's the actual thought about the wig and gender

when i was swinging through genders and "types of person i felt like at this exact moment" it felt like you have a wig (it works with many things other than wigs oc) over your natural hair, and it works like makeup, sometimes you put it on for you, sometimes for others, sometimes for both

and one day you feel like wearing long hair, but the other day shorter hair, or colored hair, depending on your own parameters of how you feel like and external parameters like what type of people you are going to meet. But also sometimes you don't want to put a wig on, and you just let your "natural" hair be as it is, and you don't care what the others think your hair looks like, they can think they are long or short, it's actually up to them depending of their criterias and it won't define you

it's accessory

and i feel like that about gender, if that makes sense

some like their hair or non-hair how it is, some like to style it a bit, some will change every week or a few times a decade, others will radically change one time and be happy with their last cut but in no way this alters who they are fundamentally

and gender doesn't define you, except if you want it to be for some reason, like if it's a way to resist or convey a message, but otherwise let anyone be who they want or feel like to be, it doesn't have to weigh so much in society (i'll stop here because i think people who got here already know the point i'm making)